when is it time for hospital

Good Morning Claire @outlander 🙂

I'm surprised to read your Sister is still not well, is it the same Sister? or has it started to be 'shared' amongst the family? The dreaded Lurgy {do you remember Spookytookims bringing that up?} has struck the Center of my Universe too, and it's got about a dozen people to go through there, and it's gotten just about all of them too! I'll touch my head, 'cause it's as good as touching wood, whilst I say I haven't got it yet!?! I think it's more of an allergic reaction I'm getting, stuffy nose, chest clumpier than usual - but the wattles are beginning to flower, as are other wildflowers - which gives me the flowers themselves to be allergic to and the bugs that eat them! 🙂

It was a bit cool here last night, I put the fire on and used almost all of the wood - I'll have to get the 'farm car' going and collect some more, as the Guru Google tells me it's going to stay cool for the next week or so. Luckily I remembered the farm car keys, that I'd left at my Center - I can fit much more into it than the wheelbarrow and it's much easier on the arms 🙂

I'll touch my head while I make the statement that I'm still washing the dishes every day and making my bed too . . . I even picked up the broom yesterday and removed some of the forest floor of bark chips, wood splinters and dirt that had been dragged in for the fire! I've been throwing a little fertilized dirt and some mulch around in an attempt to coax Spring along. Cleared my little pot plant-place on top of the septic tank and rebuilt the little frame I put over it, re-covering it up with an old sheet {when the cherry tomatoes start fruiting, I get little moth-sized bats (super-cute little fellas) that steal the tomatoes if I don't cover them right up!:)}

Sorry about your strange dreams, I don't recall mine anymore - I haven't for decades, . . . and I'm glad. I wonder how I managed to 'split' my subconscious like that, I never knew there was such a thing as a good dream, I thought it was your minds way of going through all your fears and worries. I think I just got exhausted, I have memories of doing everything I could not to fall asleep when I was a kid. I remember in my early teen years, my Mother giving me a relaxation tape {back in the ancient days of cassette players!:D} Mine was like a story of a magical place, in a beautiful, lush, rich valley. I follow a majestic Unicorn Stallion, gossamer white with a golden glow to his mane and tail, and an entire Galaxies sparkle from the tip of his horn. I marvel at the deep natural beauty of this rich green, plump leafed, thick rainforest valley; as he gently and silently guides me down it's hidden paths. Even the air here is completely natural, so clean that it restores my health as I walk. The magic in this place is positivity 🙂 I can feel it, I'm breathing it, it's all around me. As we move down the path of the valley, the very colour of light begins to change. The deepness of the forest begins to glow like an emerald as the purest of sunlight touches the leaves while we enter a secret meadow. I feel my very skin relax with the soft embrace of the suns warmth the instance we step onto the fairy tale field of multi-coloured, sweet scented wild-flowers. I walk with him to the center of the field, I am intoxicated by this place, all my senses are enlightened. When he reached the middle of the meadow, he drops his head - I stroke his mane, so soft it feels like touching a breeze; I place my hand on his shoulder, feeling the silken velvetiness of his coat; my eyes dance down from shoulder, along the graceful arched neckline, to the pin-point star-shine of his mythical horn. The light there is so bright, so pure and brilliant it appears as a liquid. I see kindness and generousity sparkling in his eyes, and I know there is a gift for me in this Unicorn-willed pool of light! 🙂 I squat down beside the Stallions front hooves, by the edge of the light-pool and dip my finger into the light, just as you would to check the temperature of a bath. The atmosphere is totally relaxed, with a tingle of excitement like it was your birthday or you've won - there was such high positivity that there was definitely a feeling of celebration! 🙂 The touch of light felt electric more than warm, sort of 'pins and needley', as the reaction to actually feeling light, not just seeing it, is so fast that we can't really describe a sense we don't really have. But I have no fear as I reach in to this pool of light to receive this kind gift from a magical creature in a fantasy land. I don't move my hand, I don't 'feel around' for it - the pieces just form on my palm and I grip my fingers around it. Even as I lift it from the light it seems to retain some of it in it's sparkle. It is a spiral cystal - a cystal Unicorn Horn! 🙂 I know when I leave this magical land I won't have an actual cystal Unicorn horn, but I will have a magical link to everything that sparkles. Everything that glimmers and shines, everything that twinkles and glows, everything that glitters, every rainbow - is a link to positivity given to me by a Unicorn Stallion in a magical land! 🙂

Wow that ended up being a 'big blurb' 🙂 hope it gives you something to read today and maybe gives you a lift

Niqua

Hi @outlander

I thought the best way to deal with this was to go through it point by point because you do not cause what happens - it's someone else pushing the blame back onto you. It's impossible for everything to be our fault - we are not that powerful. To me it sounds very much as if you are being held accountable for not being what someone else insists - etc

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@outlander wrote:

everytime i take that next step something bad happens.

the first step i took was to be open about how the PTSD was affecting me and that i needed help- guess what happened mum flipped her lid and blamed me for it

It's normal to have PTSD when you have had trauma in your life - and being thrown from a horse even once is enough - but it's your mother who flipped her lid - that was her choice

then i went to a new psychologist and thought things were going well until they werent anymore. only took 3 sessions until mum was on the back foot and everything was getting blown out of proportions just becasue i wanted some me time

Everyone is entitled to some "me" time - everything was going well until your mother got onto her back foot and everything was blown out of proportion

then i was told to do the opposite of what my brain says so i got back on my horse- fell off and had been winded badly and thought id done my neck in yet again

Someone told to get back on your horse before you were ready - that is a start-up for feeling out of control and aggravates PTSD - we need to listen to our own insides before getting back on the horse - anyway - continuing

the last time i got my meds sorted i ended up in hospital

That was co-indidental - you got your medication sorted and ended up in hospital - that was hardly your fault - as we all know sh^t happens

the next time i made the step to go abck to therapy my nan ended up in hospital

Your Nan ending up in hospital could not have anything to do with your going back into therapy - again - another co-incidence

the next session then i thought id be a little bit more open to get more help and then i ended up talking to friends as a step up becasue i isolate myself so much- the birthday thing gets blown wayyy out of proportion and i get the blame for it and am expected to fix it which i havent yet

Again you try to take steps to be independent and make an event with your friends - it's not your fault your mother wants a surprise birthday party for your 21st - you are right - the way she has been treating you doesn't give her the right to be sh^tty about your birthday - that is totally out of proportion - just think if you had not arranged something - maybe your mother wouldn't have either - you are not resposible for your mother taking second chair in your life - actually - third chair after you and your friends

the next session i went to therapy she rambled on about some crap for the 2 hours and i realised that in among the crap there was a stroy line to it though i didnt need all the shannanigans she was going on about and comparing me to my sister, but i thought no ill go again and do the homework so that was a step up as i was weary about doing homework, and do you know what happened my horse got sick and had to be put down and then my nan went into a nursing home

You don't need to have your therapist comparing you to your sister - my therapist tried that in the past - I shut her down - and it's rotten that your horse got sick and was put down and that has nothing at all to do with your homework

The stuff with the podiatrist is a different issue - I have had orthotics in the past and not at all sure if they helped - I don't really know except I don't need them now - and yes - that costs a lot of money but that's not your fault either

I know you feel as if everything is your fault but actually none of what you have written is - it's a crappy way to live but you are not to blame

Actually - I feel as if I say too much about your mother - but one thing I can tell you about my early childhood that caused me trouble until my mother died

I was honest and obedient - but she was bad-tempered and could hurt physically and emotionally - one day when I was about four I turned around and attacked her - and although physical force was not something I continued - I put up with emotional and verbal abuse - but in the process of my growing up I learned to endure it with the occasional verbal pay-back. She may have loved me but never liked me - and that was hard indeed

But better than letting her keep going without defending myself and my little brother

So yes - I do get it and it's really crappy for you and I care

Dec

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After lunch there is no rush for any doctor and they are advisable that time.

Hi @outlander. I'm lurking about the forum tonight. I had a hypoglycemic attack this morning after doing my 80 laps so still feeling a little fuzzy. Nothing a can of coke and a cookie couldn't fix though. I am not diabetic so unsure why I had a hypo, but had all the classic hallmarks (dizziness, sweating, extreme thirst, pins and needles around the mouth, hunger). I think it was because I skipped breakfast and went too hard at the pool.

@Former-Member

Hello Niqua
no this is my other sister, we have all had this virus thing except me touch wood that makes you cough and mimics the cold but its viral so cant be treated with antibiotics. The rest of the family is ok just my youngest one has the remnanats of it where at random she will just do one loud cough and it scares the crap out of me!
And yes I remember spooky bringing it up while she was here (I miss her 😞 )
ahh yes hayfever, I get that bad too, the morning antihistamines are a must and I have a few with me just in case it doesnt last the whole day.

My strange dreams Niqua arent strange but rather my worst nightmares. I often think theres a meaning to the dreams and this one has me worried and I cant seem to shake it off. I know it might not happen but I can never be too sure now can I.. I didnt think I was going to have to go through what am I now and the traumas ive been through but I have so I just never know.

That was a big 'blurb' but it wasnt pointless. It took me out of reality for a bit while iw as reading it.

@Owlunar

Hi Dec

the PTSD is in my life but its also ruining it. I dont have PTSD from falling off a horse but I do fear riding every now and then. My PTSD is complex and has two different events. One being sexually abused for months and you have read the story there and I dont particularly want to go into details here and the other one is watching my sister get attacked by a dog. Both affect me greatly but each are distinct differences in the way they affect me.

I still havent told my mother that my friends arent coming. I tried to today but nothing came out, well before I even started to say anything my mind had already thought of another topic to talk about so I ended up talking about something totally irrelevant to anything. Something I knew she wasnt going to get on the back foot of.
I havent arranged anything for my birthday. Im not celebrating it, its not worth it. That way no one gets hurt with any choices I make.

Shes compared me twice and thats only in one session, shes forgetting two tiny details though.
We might live in the same house but what she went to therapy for was for something so basic and only went twice. Im not going to get into that. But while we live in the same house she hasnt experienced SA, or witnessed DV or watch our sister get attacked by a dog and have to travel to hospital and stay in the same hotel as your perpretrator or anything like that. And 2 theres 7 yrs difference between us! That in itself is a lot to say.

My foot is being a right pain and im so over it. Im ready to lob it off because I cant handle the pain anymore. I see my gp on friday for ultrasound results. I already know what its going to say and also what shes going to say and thatll be go for an MRI. So im trying to up my work even if I get home later so I can afford it asap.

I cant help but feel its my fault. Theres no evidence to say it wasnt.

@ManishAhuja
hi nice to meet you, my drs surgury only takes appointments exccept on weekends.

@Queenie
yeah im pretty sure that would cause a hypo. You might not be diabetic but you can still have your blood sugars affected. I hope your feeling abit better know though.
80 laps thats heaps! You must be getting so fit!

what a bloody day ive had. ive been gone since 8 this morning and have only gotten back about 45 minutes ago and ive still gotta go to the chemist. i need my ADs but im knackered and i am debating whether i really need them tonight or not

i dont want to keep doing this 😞

i cant handle it 😞

maybe i should quit my jobs, im failing anyway. i cant do this anymore

Hi @outlander

I hear you - you feel as if you can't do this - whatever this is - any more and I have been there myself and found there is no choice except to continue - and here the name of the thread is When is it time for hospital so I guess taking time in hospital is part of the game-plan -

Even though you feel as if you are the cause of all the trouble in your life there is no logical reason to believe you have caused any of it - I know you feel as if this is the case and I think this is part of your recurring pattern of thoughts with is so hard right now - whatever those thoughts are

This is tough stuff - what can I say that you have to make choices that other people won't like and if your mother gets all het up with that - that's her thing - sheesh - she does ride you and as this has been happening for as long as you can remember it's really hard for you to break out of the pattern - I really do understand

Also - not doing anything is also a choice - so hard - but yeah - one thing though

How important are your jobs for you. Do you really want to stop dping that?

The environment you live in is toxic - this I know having lived in toxic family scenes myself

There's not much I can say but I am here - I am listening

Dec