Horrendous anxiety flare up

Well I am on leave from work this week and by gum it is lovely. Really really relaxing.

Hopefully I will also end up being productive but either way my batteries are getting a much needed charge.

I do think the meds are having a noticeable affect by this point, I have been investigating hobbies that I haven't had the mental space contemplate all year and have dug up my walking app and kicked my walking back up a notch. And I feel relaxed. Like I have choices.

I have been doing some homework, prep for my next psychologist appointment and that has been interesting. We are going to be looking at where my belief that I am a Bad Person come from, and how it manifests in my life now. I think I have pinpointed the origin story, but I find it fascinating that objectively it is a really minor event in a life that has frankly had its share of traumatic shit. Interesting stuff.

How it manifests now is harder. I know I have gargantuan issues with intimacy, but I am not convinced that those are shame driven... I just have an aversion to it, like I don't like eye contact, I don't like when people use my name, stuff like that. It feels invasive. I think that is why I prefer animals, you get to have amazing connection, but there is no real intimacy.

Anyhow it is giving me stuff to think about during my time off.

Also my crocuses and daffodils have started to bloom, I am pleased out of all proportion by this.

Oh @chookmojo I really had to lol about your echolalia quip. She is probably trying hard but all our presumptions just get in the way of hearing other people properly. You got to set her straight about a few things so that was good in that you got a bit of dialogue happening with a sweet young thing. I hope you werent too grumpy.

At least you are getting some CBT and I hope you work out your Bad Person beliefs of which I have plenty.

That was a very postive reframe @Appleblossom - as you say she was trying very hard, and is a sweet young thing. I have my next appointment next week and we'll see how it goes.

Back at work after a truly glorious week off at home. The most relaxing time off I have ever had. I built a couple more garden beds and planted out some hardy stuff, but mostly I lived the life of a cat; regular meals, interspersed with naps and brief flurries of playful activity. I could live like that forever.

Had a little bit of anxiety on Sunday night (I have a particualr theme of nightmare that pops up when I am feeling insecure and it cropped up for the first time in quite a while, plus a couple of gratuitously awful other nightmares), probably less than a 'normal' Sunday night, and certainly less than I usually get when coming back after an extended break.

I've been on my pills for 4 weeks now, so I am pretty much at the point of knowing how they affect me. I have a follow up with my GP next week where we will decide whether to up the dosage or not. I'm keen to give it a go, I have found it REALLY positive so far, if I have to settle in my current state that is going to be ok with me, but it would be amazing to take it just a little further.

I have my next session with the psychologist next week, and have been doing some homework and preparation for it.

I ended up making that list of accomplishments/achievements with the intention of setting up something like a pinterest board, but quickly found that there was an awful LOT that would need to go on there and that I wasn't quite interested enough to complete it. But I do have a nice list to start me off if I feel keen or procrastinatey.

It is also a bit of a weird/slippery area trying to define achievements. There are some things that would NOT seem like achievements to others at all, they barely seem like achievements to me, yet they are things I look back on and think with a certain sense of pride - 'I did that, without me it would not have come to pass.'

I have old journals which I havent yet and time to look in .. where I have written down achievements etc.

Its important to remind ourselves especially of the slippery more unique things.

It warms my heart to hear all creative things that people do ..

I have been feeling a bit out of sorts the last couple of days; a bit sooky and emotional.

This morning a cried at my personal training – and I don’t mean a silent tear, I mean heaving wracking sobs and snot. Charming.

Actually I am impressed I haven’t cried before with this trainer – we have been working together for over 6 months, but I just was struggling so much with one particular move that I convinced myself I couldn’t do it, panicked and had myself some hysterics for 5 minutes. She was good about it, gave me some time alone, and then just talked me back into it.

Then we got back to work. I finished the workout in a good place, but I am feeling just a bit delicate today and thinking longingly of home already.

To cheer me up I bought myself some adult colouring books with my tax return money. Feels very indulgent. I have a huge box of Derwent coloured pencils at home that I have had since I was probably 9 years old – it was a really big deal to get them as we were very poor, and I hardly ever used them as they were too precious. Definitely time to bust them out and run them through the glorious mechanical sharpener that I am far to chuffed about. Funny how sometimes extremely simple things give you so much pleasure.

I have been flirting with the ideas of taking up colouring as a hobby (good for mindfulness, and a good way to ease myself back into art, and good for me to work with colour) for quite a while. So now I get to eagerly anticipate them arriving in the post. Meanwhile I am going to be cheeky and print off a couple of free ‘printables’ at work so I can start all the sooner.

This is also to give me something to do in the evenings while listening to audiobooks, and in general as a replacement for pot, as I am taking a break for a while (and freaking out a bit about it).

Not good to be delicato .. @chookmojo

Great your trainer was responsive and stuck with you. It might have worked ok as well with a bloke just depends on the individual .. I had 2 sensitive male trainers. One was young, a top sports psychologist as well, and a sensitive soul, the other just had a rehab Cert iii but was a new dad and compassionate to me over a few years which means something..

"Sooky" is such an Aussie term. LOL Its best we are not too tough and forget to care for ourselves or others. My sooky periods are only occasional now.

Great your a bloke and can admit to tears .. even the toughest Aussie blokes are learning the value of a tear eg when cricketer Paul Hughes was hit... and there was Bob Hawke when he publicly admited his teenage son was on drugs.

Australian culture is finally growing up and I am finally learning to speak Australian.I used to just stay on the edges.

I have had a boo-hoo at a male trainer I used to have as well. Poor guy looked terrified at first (didn't know what he has done wrong), but once he realised that it was just that I had psyched myself out he was ok. And I learned from that how to NOT psych myself out when training.... except that this time it got away from me before I could dust off the old routine (has been, gosh, 5 years since I cried in the gym).

You gave me a laugh though, I am not a bloke.... which I guess makes me a sheila if we are keeping with the very aussie vibe. I am definitely a tom-boy, but with a (very) secret girly side.... this means that I wear jeans and t-shirt 99% of the time, but have a stash of pretty frocks, mainly just for looking at since I feel totally absurd if I put them on.

It is all too true that there is way more cultural pressure on guys to not show vulnerability or grief, or really any strong emotion unless it is related to sports.

What a hilarious foot in mouth. Sorry. Relating online can be tricky. You sound a bit like me .. a bit tom boyish but skirts or layers if feminine look needed.

I keep the Aussie discussion going as a patter now. I dont think people are aware enough about how language effects our inner and social worlds .. I had to WORK very hard to dumb down my expressions enough to "fit in". hah me fit in? Well at least I tried. I am Australian born of Australian father but no other Aussie rellies. My mum told me off last year just before she died for having an Austrlian accent hmmm .. its a theme.

I have stopped training but will start doing a lot of walking soon.

Can you believe my car broke down Monday night and I had 3 RACV callouts to get alternator repaired. Have to pick it up this arvo and pay $795. Just one drama after another and I take it all pretty calm and logically .. fix the bloody car but not be able to drive it ... yeah just my bloody luck. Generally I dont swear much but i grew up around a lot of free language .. so it floats around in my psyche. I find it amusing which words the forum censor will or wont let me use. I dont really have a nice middle class girly instinct about it.

Hope I run into you around Melbourne one day ... were lucky girls are allowed to be sooks.