Horrendous anxiety flare up

Thank you @Appleblossom.

You know, I have been processing your words for the last several days with no idea of how to respond.

I have NEVER in my life been told I have a good work ethic (quite the opposite) and I really had to take some time to think about it and not just immediately respond with anecdotal evidence of how I am slack.

It still blows my mind a little bit, but I wanted to make sure I said thank you. There is a (not so) little part of me that feels like it has been acknowledged for the first time ever, and right now it is bashfully looking at it feet, but I cannot tell you how grateful it is to have been recognised.

Thanks @Mazarita,

I am very fortunate to have spent nearly 10 years heavily involved in NLP (neuro-linguistic-programing) with some of the most skilled trainers in the world, and SO MUCH of my resource pool comes directly from that work, and indirectly from the interest in self development that it triggered, and the people and ideas I have met/been exposed to through it. Though I have not been directly involved in that area for a long time now, I still benefit from what it taught me (about myself and my mind's capabilities) in countless ways.

Know too that I am likewise following your story, though I don't pipe up much.

Today will mark one week on my shiny new medication.

Side effects have lessened in severity, though still encompass many aspects and try out new ones from time to time. All in all most days I feel phyically not too bad. Nowhere near as seedy as the first days. Sleep has settled down for the most part. Worst ones have been teethgrinding and yawning constantly. Funnily enugh one of the nototrious side effects of this medication (bum troubles to put it nicely) has actually IMPROVED my life as I was previously being woken up in the middle of the night with quite a lot of intestinal pain, and spending 1-2 hours a night getting up to go back and forth to the loo in the stupidly early hours of the morning. This is no longer happening.

That weird 'Blankness' passed after two days and it was nice to have my internal kinesthetics back online. The odd 'quietness' of my mind had passed too and there is now a fair bit of chatter going on again. Slightly fewer intrusive thoughts, slightly fewer vocal tics (which mainly respond to the itrusive thoughts).

The Sunday Night Anxiety Roadshow came through last night, a little later than usual, and MUCH more focussed on bodily sensations than on thoughts. As my head was already in the right place I mostly focussed on breathing to slow my heart rate down, and once that settled did a progressive muscle relaxation. Also put away my laptop and switched ut to a paper book to get away from 'screens' for a while before bed, and ended having a REALLY good night's sleep.

Anxiety was/is VERY strong this morning and only a combination of unavoidable urgent deadlines saw me make it out of the house. I was also feeling pretty nauseous - as it turns out I have a migraine coming on. Made it to the gym though had to take it easy as I was feeling pretty green through a lot of it, and had an occular migraine when I got to work. This is the second time that has happened after a work out (it is so damn trippy) and I must remember to mention it to the doctor when I go back, though the optometrist couldn't find anything concerning with my eyes.

Still feeling pretty crook this moring and haven't even had my pill yet. First half of my day is meetings, so I will see how I go. I have too much work to do to take the day off, but if I can't be productive at work there will be little point in staying.

I have a week off work booked as soon as this project is wrapped up and I am counting down the days!

Sometimes work shows and gets dollars or gold stars sometimes it doesnt.

I was warned by my brother in a weird way when I found he had taken the Myth of Sisyphus to heart in a negative way.

We need to honour our work... whether others see it or not .. whatever it be.

I love the convent .. I used to live thin Abbotsford before it was made into a public space. I dont get there enough .. maybe one day I will bump into you there .. lol

Been on tese meds for two weeks now and side effects have settled down (and I have become used to them) to the point where I would consider them more or less negligible. So that is good.

Sleep is NOT a problem anymore, except maybe in the other direction as I am sleeping quite a lot. I'm not willing to ascribe that to the meds yet though as I tend to hibernate in winter quite a lot anyhow.

Was VERY interested to note that I had noticably reduced anxiety last night - to the point where a couple of times I sort of went 'looking for it' - I mean come on, it was 7pm on Sunday, where was the horror of the morrow? But at the same time I didn't look too hard because just being able to enjoy the evening was very pleasant and novel.

I did wake up with pretty bad anxiety this morning, and cancelled gym, but have made it into work and while a bit anxious I am not too bad.

Only three days till I get my week off. I think I am going to sleep through most of it!

Continuing to find that God laughs at plans.

My leave this week had to be cancelled.

I get to take extra next week, so I still get the whole amount of time off, but delayed. To my surprise I am only a little grumpy, and not at all anxious about this. Normally my time off is SO essential that I get quite touchy if it is delayed.

I dunno, I am in a really good mood today, slept well and woke up happy. Things have ceased to be quite so intense at work and I am just feeling good. I'll take it.

Fantastic @chookmojo

Yes there are limits to the best laid plans of mice and men

After a week of feeling so chilled out and cruisy that I was starting to think these meds might have been the best decision I have ever made, today I am feeling fairly anxious again.

It isn’t particularly surprising as I am getting a big handover today, so I am nervous about that. Plus we have to go out for a ‘team lunch’ to celebrate the end of this big project. I do NOT like eating out with co-workers. I don’t like strange restaurants, and I am fussy about food which is hard when there are other people around etc. I don’t like eating in public in general (I’m fat, people are dicks).

I think that lunch is probably the biggest contributor to my anxiety today. Things that other people (people without a lived experience) just cannot ‘get’. Everyone is fine with being anxious about a flight, or a presentation, or a heavy workload…. But they get very blank when getting taken to a free lunch during work hours shuts you down….

I am also going out with my best friend tonight (the one I was supposed to see last week). And while this is always an enjoyable thing (we have a good routine that works well for me), it is still more ‘drain’ to be anticipated, and resources are set aside for that, and so are not available now.

HOWEVER, I will then be taking a solid week off work, and that is bliss beyond description. Very much looking forward to it.

I finally had my first psychologist appointment last night (well first one in three or so years). It was not great. I have belly button lint older than this chick.

Anyhow we did the whole history and current circumstances thing (yawn, this bit is like a broken record by this point in my life) and covered off that I know how anxiety works in the body and the brain and that I know all* about coping strategies and de-escalation and so on and so forth. It isn’t that I am expecting anything ‘new’…. I just don’t want to waste my precious session time on being presented with things that I have known about and used successfully for years, or rehashing anxiety 101.

We broached the ever frustrating subject of ‘self-care’ – which I still either do not get, or they do not get, or something. No one ever seems satisfied that for me getting HOME is what it is all about. Get home, stay home. THAT is self-care for me. I don’t need a bubble bath, and for that to even be an option I am already at home, so frankly I would rather not go to the effort as it adds nothing. I also like napping. Again this means I am at home already, AND it interferes with my night sleep so is not something I should indulge too much. Cuddling my critters? Means I am at home. Gardening? Means I am at home. Cooking? At home. The activity adds very little and the benefits would not pply if I were not at home.

I get pretty frustrated because the things that replenish me seem to be things that are either frowned upon, or are considered maladaptive or something – and then instead I am presented with countless options that do nothing for me, or which are actively draining but which tick the boxes on paper. Have a massage, take a bubble bath, listen to music....

She also kept asking what ‘energised’ me…. I don’t think anything ‘energises’ me (except being at home, preferably alone) unless I am already in a good place. When I am in a good place everything is fantastic, loads of stuff energises me… When I am in a bad place those same things are WAY too much pressure. I don’t understand why this is so hard for her to grasp.

We fundamentally disagreed on a couple of points, and I discovered that as irritating as I find reflective listening (it’s like talking to someone with echolalia) it is actually even MORE irritating when people reflect back incorrectly, or reinforce a point that is NOT the one you are making. (So that's a win for refelctive listening I guess).

I felt like a lot of the stuff she said was a pre-recorded spiel – and I know from my job that you do get the SAME topics come up and 95 percent of the time the spiel is the most efficient way to deliver the message, but still…in combination with the not quite getting what I was saying, and spieling a very familiar (and not quite appropriate) response … well I wasn’t impressed.

At one point she started a ‘spiel’ about how I was choosing to live in my comfort zone because of the anxiety and was choosing to self-limit and did I really want to live such a ‘small’ life? - so I had to disagree and point out that I live WELL outside of my comfort zone, right up to the edges of what I can handle without a meltdown, and whenever I get more resourceful I increase my boundaries still further. She immediately flip-flopped and the next thing out of her mouth was that, ‘Well working full time isn’t for everyone, maybe you should think about only working part time’. As if that hadn’t ever occurred to me or was a realistic option right now. FFS.

So yeah… not very taken with her.

The reception guy though is fantastic! I love when you meet people who are exceptional at their jobs, especially when their job is sort of mundane and they still stand out so much that they practically glow.

I have another appointment in 3 weeks. We’ll see how it goes.