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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

BunniekinsSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 6:28 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

@Adge So sorry Adge for your loss. The death of a pet is like losing a friend or loved one I know ..... so sorry. gp

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 6:33 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Former-Member

Thanks @Shaz51

Thanks @BlueBay

Thanks @Bunniekins

I appreciate your kind words...

Goto make myself go get & eat some food, back shortly...

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 8:18 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

This is what Rainbow Peachface looked like - except that he had blue & green in his tail.

The colour mutation is called a Lutino Peachface.

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AppleblossomSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 8:25 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Beautiful @Adge

Sorry he is gone.

I had not read of your news when you came to the beer garden.

7 years seems a long time.

I am sure it was a shock finding him.

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 8:28 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

My pet birds & cat Jelly are the only family that I have (living with me).

My relatives (Mum & brothers) all live in NSW, on the other side of the country.

Yes, that's isolating - but I cannot live with them.

My family (childhood) environment was the cause of my on-going traumas (in the first place).

That's how I ended up with CPTSD, from 20 years of repeated traumas (incl SA, severe neglect, & emotional A).

Maintaining any healthy boundaries (especially with Mum) is extremely difficult, even with several 1000's of kms between us...

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor16 Apr 2018, 8:31 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Appleblossom Yes, a shock.

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Apr 2018, 6:14 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

@Adge ...... I know you are grieving, but perhaps you might begin to consider a foray out to a community centre in honour of Peachface .... ?

When you’re ready .... ?

Look up what is happening on the community centre notice board, and just try something, maybe ..... not saying that you may or may not meet a special person that way who has arrived at a similar point in their own life ..... but you are more likely to come across others in a community setting, and have a bit of fun and company in the process.

I know you’re on the younger side, but lawn bowls can be fun ..... if you pull up in front of a club, just watching can give you an idea of the age range .... a bit like window shopping.

I would have suggested golf, but with back issues that’s not a great idea.

Trying something new like that can help you process the grief of losing Peachface.

Hugs 💜

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Apr 2018, 10:26 am AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I go to a MH lunch group function fortnightly (on a Tuesday) - can only attend because I asked work to not roster me to work on Tues (for the moment).

It's good, although mostly people in 60's, many are non-verbal (or not social). I talk mainly to the volunteers there.

I'm the only member there who works, & who is not on a disability or aged pension.

Incidentally it is officially called "Rainbow lunch group"...

I also have psych appointments on Tuesdays, although not during school holidays (which is now).

I have been doing 2 yoga classes every week, for 6 & 1/2 years - I look forward to seeing those people, although we don't talk much. Yoga classes don't run during the school holidays (now).

I found a walking group last year from the Community Centre notice board - I went to the walking group several times a week for 6 months. Then it closed. There are not any other walking groups close to me, so I've not found another one yet.

That's a good reminder to have another look at the community centre notice board (when it's not locked up)...

I have 4 hours of work training this evening, on my non-work day (off).

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Apr 2018, 10:49 am AEST