What to do now

Hello @Former-Member you did such a good thing reaching out here a few days ago after you busted up with your family and flew into the night. Self-care in action to have the insight it took to see where you were at and then later get yourself to the doctors.

I am actually in the same boat in a real state at the moment, I live with bi polar* and often rapid cycle. Sometimes I experience mixed episodes where I am disordered hypomanic AND terribly irritable or very depressed at the same time.

Recently I did something not good for myself - I had a thyroid test in February after developing a goitre on my neck, the results showed the thyroid system was starting to malfunction to the hypo side. I had read the anti-psychotic medication I was on could cause hypothyroidism, so I withdrew myself (carefully) from that medication that I had been on for several years without discussing it with my doctor (or my partner). Oops.

I ended up in a rolling three-week hypomania then rapid cycling that was worse than anything I had experienced for years, then fell out the other end of that with a splat. (That might have been the spit in the giant's eye...)

Last week, I was rapid cycling through hours ~ hours of the dry awful's ~ then totally dysfunctional thinking ~ could barely string a thought together ~ let alone any sensible words ~ without dissolving into hysterics.

My partner was wary of me in case I snapped as I was very irritable to the point my clothes hurt my skin... and eventually.... I went to the doctor. Long short, I am now on a NEW medication, a mood stabiliser for the first time and doing it REALLY tough - it is the beginning of day six on the med today - I SO want to stop taking it.

But I talked to my partner and we agreed I would ride it out and stay with it until I have the blood test in two weeks and see the doctor. Riding out a new medication is just what has to happen to see if there is a gain, one day or even one minute or one hour at a time, redeciding to ride it out because the gain could be relief from the terrible emotional pain and THEN life is okay again and over and occasional joy can happen again.

The lists of side effects are so daunting, yet never have I had all the side effects on a medication, just some of them and then many of that abate and lessen as the good effects start to work. But it is always so HARD to live through the uncomfortable side effects waiting and hoping for good. Sometimes even they don't come good and it is back to the doctors. I so relate to your predicament and despair about it all @Former-Member AND, I also know how very resilient we are to live with this illness and yet have created home, relationship, interests and love... Remember our families often do not understand, how can they? The churning mind and emotional turmoil is within, they cannot see how tough we are really doing it.
I sometimes wish I could plug my doctor or partner in with a cord so they could experience it! But then no. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even for a moment.

You said "A pill that is going to suppress my moods. A pill I will have to take forever. I don't see it as a golden light. I just see it as painful as bipolar."

The thing I dislike the most about going on a new medication is that I even need it or that I HAVE to take it. I am so angry (or utterly blank and worthless) and feel like such a failure most days. I have this unreliable and unsupported belief that i "SHOULD" be able to fix my mind without medication using insight and my own mind. I have been trying forever to FIX MY MIND. with my own thinking.. YET - the other day my partner said

"If you had a heart illness would you expect the heart muscles to fix themselves just by relying on the heart to do it?"

"No." I mumbled.

"Well, how can you expect your mind/brain illness to be fixed by itself, that is not very clever thinking. It blames itself."

I was so shocked how unwell I became so fast coming off that medication. Really shocked, had a pretty wonderful time for a few days shopping and gardening with gay abandon, but then the reality hit. Hard. I feel much the same as you in regards damned if you do and damned if you don't. Yet it is just as it is.

Are you home or staying somewhere safe now @Former-Member? Can you isolate safely so you are not having to face lots of mental challenges while the new medication settles in and gains strength and evenness?

We are resilient strong and awesome determined people, you, me anyone living with this trying and distressing illness - we will get through this.

*my Menu Selection.... of diagnoses are Bi Polar with co-morbidities of complex PTSD, OCD, wrapped up in a tortilla of core anxiety. Do you want fries with that?

PS: I also stopped smoking rollie cigs tobacco on 30 April (after 40 years of 30+ a day) - and have managed through all of this to not have a smoke for 22 days cold turkey.

🌱 We really are quite amazing. What we can do when we set our minds, as disordered as they might be, to something.... believe in yourself @Former-Member - as you know.... it does get better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better. 💚 Such is life.

@Mazarita Hello, I am so glad to hear this too, my long rambley message probably not what @Former-Member needs right now.

I have never really had a psychiatrist or someone knowledgeable to oversee my meds and always been resistant to playing about or trying to find a good fit. I am thrilled to hear you are stable, non-zombie and happy and creative. I have so much creativity inside and I start and my work is REALLY good but then I lose focus, get depressed and fall over and it is a struggle to get back to it. 🙂 Hi Mazarita. 🙋🏻

Hi @MoonGal, really good to see you! I miss the days when you were around more. I dig your long messages, always with good humour and intelligence, despite the tough struggles.

Glad to hear you got your anti-psychotics changed and that things are working better. Those class of medications were prescribed for me in about 2010 and have made a huge difference to my big outbursts of anger and frustration. The mood stabiliser I have been taking since 2008. It helps in a big way too. I also take an anti-depressant. All of these on relatively low doses as they work well in combination for me, we've found. Yes, it's great to have a good trusting relationship with a psychiatrist. They are trying to help us, even if what they have to offer is not perfect. I've found it's often the same with medical specialists of all kinds that I've seen for various chronic health issues. They can offer substantial assistance but not cure in many cases. Good example with the heart muscle.

I would love to see you more satisfied with your creativity. I found that my extreme moods were really big blocks to my creativity. Once I stabilised more, I was better able to focus long enough, and be consistent enough in my states of being, to be able to do it more often and more effectively. For me, it's also important not to put too much pressure on myself if it's not working. That's the time to step back and do something else that hopefully makes me feel okay too.

Gotta head out now for a while. Just wanted to write back to you as I am so glad to see you around again!

@Former-Member - the list of common side effects... are very similar side effects that I was informed MAY happen on the antipsychotic I recently took myself off. I took it for 2 and a half years of it really helping me.

Just to be VERY clear - we are not expected to live with these effects, to just suck them up and accept them in place of untreated bipolar, it is not how it works. They have to put the information out in clear order in case someone experiences some of them so the treatment is responsive and appropriate. I believe what @Mazarita says about getting the right balance, I am not there yet myself but hope springs eternal (says a woman who sobbed her way through 7 hours in bed last night).

@Former-Member - if you are going to at least try the meds, please, please.... do yourself a favour and do not drink alcohol. Not only does it potentially interact, it is all so a terrible depressant. If hope is too much to shoot for right now, think just one steady thought. Stay. It can and does get better.

Hi @Former-Member,

Alcohol can seem tempting. While underr the influence it can make the world feel tolerable, but it afterwards that you might feel the sting. As @Mazarita said earlier, of course this is your choice.

It's true medication can make people feel emotionless, zombie-like and slow. But things don't have to be like this forever. It can take some time until you find the right balance. For some people, once they're stabilised, they can work towards taking themselves off meds as @kristin has done.

@MoonGal how are you keeping motivated to stay on your meds?