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What to do now

Unknown userMember20 May 2017, 3:19 pm AEST

What to do now

I feel dead inside. I got zero clue why I'm trying to smile. I told my family last night never to talk to me. I told everyone else they suck. I broke up with my husband. I'm literally alone. I got nothing.

Will I even like my life own my own or will it also be just full of hurt and pain? I just can't breath. Can't think. I feel trapped. So trapped.

And I know it fades but then it comes back and I'm starting to think why am I fighting this. I'm nothing. I'm just a speak of dust inside a giants eye.

72 replies

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In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember23 May 2017, 6:59 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

All I feel afterwards is how I generally feel.

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember24 May 2017, 10:34 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

Would it be not nice if I screamed at everyone? All my family and friends are contacting my husband to see how I'm doing. That for majority I don't mind but I think half of his family just hope I get lost.

But every single one of them says she needs to go on medication and she will be well. She will be better. It will be the best thing for her.

It's like everyone single one of them thinks this tablet is going to cure me. As soon as I take it I will turn into nice me. Nice me still feels trapped. Nice me still gets annoyed. Nice me can still get mad, angry and sad.

And no a tablet ain't going to cure me. It one may not even work. It may make me worse, or it may help but I'm not ever going to be 100% healed by a tablet. I don't think they got its a illness and I got it for life.

And the annoying part half of them are on or have been on mild anti deppresents and anxiety meds. They should know how meds work. But then again for some people that can't fix the chemical unbalance.

Wish there was a magic tablet. I should event it. Be a billion air. Hello freedom and shoes

In response to: What to do now

utopiaSenior Contributor24 May 2017, 10:49 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

@Former-Member. No. There is no tablet that is a cure. Recovery / cure for those of us with MI, generally means being able to live an easier, more fulfilling life while living with MI.
Whatever you decide, do it for you, to benefit your life. Not for your family or to despite them.

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember24 May 2017, 10:59 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

I just wished they would shut up. They just think it's that easy. Like taking a pandaol. But to me it's not. It sends me into pure fear. Plus then my other thoughts on it.

They annoy me like those people that try and act like they know everything in a conversation but they don't.

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember26 May 2017, 11:11 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

I've started coming out of my deppresion state but now I'm on the do not stop because if you do the World will end mood. I'm on the verge of screaming, laughing, feeling normal and spent over a $1000 in a week. Whoops.

I don't get it. Like I get hours of feeling like me and I'm like hell yes I'm fine then I just go rapid. Why do I rapid cycle. I don't get it. How can I be ill and get moments of feeling normal?

Question. My doctor refuses to let me see someone to talk about my bipolar until I'm medicated. He looked at my previous notes from my phycatrist and said meds first. My mother is seeing someone to help her with me and they said yes meds first before she sees someone. Any way I have been offered counsiling sessions for free and I'm like should I go? I just feel like I need to talk out all my thoughts and fears but then I'm like will they or this trigger me as them just being a counsellor or will it be good.

Anyone been in this issue before?

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember27 May 2017, 6:40 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

And I'm crashing again

In response to: Re: What to do now

Unknown userMember27 May 2017, 6:48 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry i didnt see your post yesterday, sounds like things are not so good and kind of scary? I hear the words rapid cycle alot and im not sure i've experienced it. I do crash quickly and sink like a stone, but mostly thats in response to crappy events in life. and then its so hard to get back up again.

I'm not sure why your psychiatrist would have said you can see someone before meds? but perhaps there is a good reason... how ever it is so controlling the method of help that you need. Not everyone chooses medication and for them to be not supporting you in getting any support is worrying. Would it be an option to see a different gp or get an appointment with the psychiatrist? There is still lifeline, Sane helpline and beyond blue helplines too (when they're available) who might have more insight too.

here listening and with you

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember27 May 2017, 10:07 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

They don't really want to talk to me while I'm not on medication because I can't handle going to deep into my life. I get dangerously depressed. I like my GP. He understands my strangeness and I feel safe with him and trust him. We got good communication and that's a big thing for me. I'm not going to see the same phycatrist as it brings back yucky memories. I've never like lifeline or beyond blue. To me it's very text book questions. I feel like they sit at a table with a list of questions to ask and go through the motions. I don't feel they listen and really help. They just try to make you think and distract you. That's my own belief.

I just want to see someone not to talk about my past nor bipolar but my daily fears. I want to talk about tomorrow. I want to figure out how to get through the day. I have so many things in my brain I just want to get them out so I can then refill them in my brain in order (hope that makes sense)

I know one day I will need to do deep taking and sadly my hated medication but I'm scared nor ready and stubborn and I just don't want to be a robot. I don't want to slow down one bit.

In response to: Re: What to do now

Unknown userMember27 May 2017, 10:52 pm AEST

Re: What to do now

Hi @Former-Member

I agree about lifeline - its just not helpful at all with the formulaic questions, i do believe they could replace real operators with press 1 for yes press no for 2 and go through their list 😛 But i do know other people have found it helpful, and even the distraction i guess can be helpful.

Im glad that you have a good relationship with your gp and fair enough about not going back to that psychiatrist. Could your gp help to organise a support worker or peer support person who could just help with daily life type stuff. When i wasnt working and was really unwell I had a support worker who would visit and help to get me back into routines, help with shopping even etc whatever i needed at the time i think for daily life stuff.

Hearing you about how you feel about the meds and have no judegement either way, its definitely up to each person to decide whats best for them. Meds are the worst of the double edged swords.

thinking of you

In response to: What to do now

Unknown userMember29 May 2017, 1:09 am AEST

Re: What to do now

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has those views. Sometimes you just need to be listened to or given real advice. But I do guess for a lot of people they have been life savers. But for me I can't handle them, they get me red mad!!!

I'm a very proud person I hate asking for help. For me I need to be able to do things so I feel like I'm winning but I know I'm going to crash bad very soon and rely on my partner for literally everything.

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