Have now had 8 text messages since 6 am saying wish I was home 😐

Based on what you have reported @Determined, I think you have made the right decision. Now don't be regretful, plan your weekend - do some nice things with your sons, nail that report. No worries about whether the house is clean enough or whether your Darling is pulling away from you.

Take time out to relax a bit too.You're practising some self care and looking after everybody's best interests instead of doing what you "think" you should. This is in no way selfish just very sensible.

Thoughts re boundaries?

At yesterday's counselling appointment the councillor encouraged me to have a discussion re boundaries (lovingly implemented guidelines, not as rules to be enforced) as soon as possible after my darling comes home.

It just occurred to me this may be better undertaken before coming home so that it the discussion can be moderated by a nurse (will depend on her assigned nurse, there are a few who I think would be very helpful with this, others not so helpful) so that if the discussion goes poorly she is in a safe environment. Thoughts ?

Re the boundaries? Suggestions on sensitive framing and delivery?

• If you talk to me disrespectfuly I will not engage, if you don't 'settle down' I will leave the room.
• If you engage in any form of self harm you will need to go to the ED, if you won't go freely I will call an ambulance. (Last time that happened we ended up with 2 car loads of fat police people poking around inside our house, very embarrassing ambulance and police cars out front and neighbors looking on so that decision is not made lightly)
• If you drive off in the car during/ after a meltdown I will call the police and report you as a danger to yourself/ others.

When I write it down it seems overly harsh which is why the discussion has never happened before this, I don't want to do it as a control thing but to make life easier for my darling and for our family. I am sensitive to the fact that this makes my darling sound horrible but that is never my intention.

Coming home from an extended stay in hospital is a good starting point for some positive changes.

Thankyou anyone for your thoughts,

Any mods who can comment @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member

Agree about the fresh start and setting of boundaries bit @Determined. And yes, it's best to have this discussion with a third party involved so your Darling doesn't see it as you being the baddie.

Does your Darling gradually build up to "those" moments? Will she be amenable to abiding by those boundaries at that time? Does her mood simmer and then explode? Can she be distracted before that happens?

The thing I can't get my head around is their effectiveness when a rage appears out of nowhere. Then you can kiss those boundaries goodbye as you are no longer dealing with a reasonable person.

Looking forward to reading advice on this one.

Hi @Determined I’m Scout and relatively new to the forums.

The boundaries you've written up here seem reasonable, it really sounds as if you've put a lot of thought into the risks, and to keep her and the family safe when coming home. The conversation indeed might be tough, and you're also preparing really well to see that it happens in a safe place with safe people around her. Boundaries are extremely important and I'm glad to see you're taking this on proactively and to focus on keeping her safe and managing into the future out of the hopsital.

Usually simmer simmer snap @soul, occasionally the snap comes from no where but that could be more to do with me being obtuse lol.

Re being amenable to the boundaries... dont know because I have never tried. I have always backed down to avoid conflict. That clearly does not work though.

I agree about not seeing it work in a crisis but the theory behind the the boundaries is that if there is a clear outcome then often it won't make it to a crisis. For it to work I need to be strong and consistant in my response.

I think when it reaches the point of dealing with an unreasonable person, thats when I actually need to call for an ambulance for my darlings safety. Very hard call though based on previous experience .

Also looking forward to some positive insight from others here.

Hi @Determined,

Firstly I want to commend you on being so respectful. I believe I have said this before (if not I've thought it a hundred times over), but it is really beautiful to see the way you speak about your darling with so much love and respect. I understand that when you try to write down these boundaries that it can sound a little harsh and make you question if this is the right thing or even stalls you slightly in the process. This is ok, and goes back to the respect you have and the importance you place on making sure you're supporting her in the best possible way. It doesnt come across as harsh to me

I believe you have really thought this out well. Boundaries are an important part of your darlings return to home and helpful for both of you. Having the discussion in hospital sounds like a great idea, as you said it means that she is still in a safe environment and gives her the opportunity to think over and adjust to the boundaries before coming home. This also means that it isnt a confronting thing for her when she does return home.

The boundaries that you have listed here also sound good to me. I know it can seem overly harsh, but these are all centred around her safety, which makes them necessary. As part of the framing around this you could emphasise that you are wanting these lovingly implemented guidelines as a way to keep her safe as she is so important to you...or something to that effect that comes more naturally to you.

A way of opening up the conversation around this may be to ask her about what she feels would be helpful for her when she does return home. This allows conversation around her needs and any adjustments that she may need and then allows you to add that you have been thinking about it also and feel that some loving guidelines may also help and would she like to hear them. Starting these conversations can be tricky and this is just one way, I'm sure others will have some more suggestions on this too. Whichever way you decide to go about having this conversation needs to feel right for you and allow your own language and words to shine through. As I said you have so much love and respect for your darling that this will come through in your conversation with her, as it does here on the forums.

I hope that was helpful in some way and I wish you all the best of luck in opening up this conversation. I know you'll do well

@Determined

This link might be of help to you

https://www.bpdcentral.com/help-for-families/beyond-blame-system/step-4/

As I said you have so much love and respect for your darling that this will come through in your conversation with her, as it does here on the forums., I agree @Former-Member

Hugs @Determined