Diary of wifes hospital stay - holding it together for our family

This is precisely why I have zero tolerance for any of my boys hitting girls.
(Hitting anyone really but especially girls). Fix the problem before it becomes a problem.

Hi @Determined ....

Sorry if it appeared that I was condoning S2 becoming physical about losing his temper .... not at all .... it's just understanding the response, and yes, there is the need to niip that in the bud .... this is where "use you words !" becomes the mantra .... and "how can we say the same thing nicely" if it's coming out too rough even then. This becomes an empowerment, because when others, boys or girls, get nasty with their words, he can learn to say "I hear what you're saying, but that wasn't a very nice way of saying it" and pass on the message that good, and polite, communications are best.

I am starting to gain support from unexpected directions. While this illness has been hidden for a long time now, it is also progressive, and even WH's physical appearance is starting to worry people around us. I am so hoping things don't have to become dire before the illness is exposed, but it is so insidious and masquerades so well .... it's infuriating .... but his lack of insight means he is not reachable yet.

The video by Dr Xavier Amador that @patientpatient posted the other day made that so clear. Without that insight, I am the alien here ..... and to mil for whom he can do no wrong .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

@soul .... I agree with @Determined. We haven't encountered physical abuse, and for the emotional abuse we are exposed to, I have to keep calling it out to the kids and reminding them that it's not okay .... it's just that to leave under these circumstances will land us in much worse not-okay territory.

I use what opportunities I can to address the behaviours, including "I hear what you're saying, but I don't like how aggressive / controlling you're being about it" so I am modelling to the kids how to speak up and set boundaries as best I can, and that in turn is empowering them to do the same.

At the first sign of physical abuse, we would be out of here ..... the mental / emotional strain isn't great at the moment, but our safety is not compromised.

Sorry @Faith-and-Hope, I didn't for a moment think you were condoning the hitting behaviour, I was probably was a bit blunt about that part of it because it concerns me so much. It is so hard knowing to support him knowing how much he is hurting at the moment but I cant support that. He can at least identify that he has an emotional regulation issue so we have something to start with.

It must be hard for you waiting for something to happen to bring your situation to light but at the same time hoping that that something is not catastrophic. At least some people close to you are starting to see it for what it is perhaps taking some weight off you (in the context of seeing where you are coming from).

Re the physical abuse, if I for a moment thought the children were in danger we would too would be out of here, no hesitation. That has been made very clear and there has been enough self control to avoid that. I have been hit many times and had stuff thrown at me (not for a long time thankfully) but not in a way that compromised my safety and not in the presence of the children or again, no question, game over. Usually it's just furniture and crockery that gets trashed.

For a long time I have tried to play down her behaviour to the children so they did not think bad of her but more recently have had to call it for what it is, BS unacceptable behavior, particularly when boys were beginning to resent me for the situation and blame me for her benders. It hurts me to tell them but they need to know I am not the enemy and even though mummy is not well, that is completely unacceptable.

Speaking up and setting boundaries is something I am trying to address, early in marriage I modeled my behaviour on my Dads who spent his entire marriage up until he died grovelling and sucking to keep mum happy. (More undiagnosed MI and emotional regulation issues) Finding it very hard to redress bad habits after so long. often easier just to give in and avoid conflict.

Wow,

Just looked at the time, I should be in bed, big day tomorrow.
At least I finally made some progress on my report.

Well done @Determined ....

Sleep well. Chat tomorrow,

😴

Managed a couple hours sleep this morning @Faith-and-Hope @Faith-and-Hope dosent feel like it though.

Have a busy day today. Children at dentist this morning, phone meeng with uni lecturer this morning, (hate phone consults but he is 2 hours away at another campus) then a councilling appointment this afternoon. That 1 hour drive away. Wish I could cancel it but would not be wise at the moment, have already cancelled the last 2. Glad I have mum for a driver again or it would be a problem.

Hope everyone has a good day, I probably wont get a chance to get online again now until later tonight or tomorrow morning with how busy today is so if I am not around it is all good as can be 😉

This is going to be interesting

S2 is refusing to get ready for school, dosent want to go.

Said he would only go in to see the principle and if I bring him straight home again. Like I have time for that. And the principle is a busy man also, he needs to get to it on his timetable not when s2 us good and ready.