Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

Hi @Owlunar

Sorry you were dragged into this my friend. I was just sharing my pain of estrangement in regards to losing my children which i found harder and inflicted more mental scars than my experience with losing a child to death or my experience of estrangment from a parent and my sister. That is not to say it didn't incur grief and hurt but "losing my children by estrangement was more profound "to me"and I can definitely express that here as a shared life experience without it going up for analysis - my grief/losses is not up for debate! It stops here. It's wrong. I know you were not aware Dec and I value your posts, much of what you said I could reasonate with re the hate and estrangement being worse for you personally. Sending lots love ❤️

Hi @Sahara

Coping with a difficult parent is something I wrote above - that was for you as well as @Former-Member but I kinda got lost with who I was writing to

I think it's fantastic that you are doing your Ph.D - wtg girl-friend - that is so great

But you have visited your father once and as you feel like a captive audience I think that's enough - 2 days in hopsital compared with 6 hours there and 6 hours back - that would be a big ask for a parent - or really anyone - who was pleasant

Oh dear - I probably have that all wrong - but if you have seen him once for a two day stay in hospital - prison scene or not - you have already done more than enough

Lots of luck with that Sahara - I hate being in hospital myself - really it is hard to imagine anyone who would like it - but wow - that is one long trip there and back

Thinking of you

Dec

I don't mind being dragged in @Former-Member

I understand - for a time my dd joined the rest of the family in hating me and that is so painful I can understand a little bit of what you have experienced with your children and being estranged from them for years

I held my breath and prayed a lot and said very little for years - and I would see my dd but that could be difficult with bristling feelings - but time past and she has come to see what my sister is like

But it is very hards - families can be very hard - I understand

Dec

@Former-Member,

thanks for sharing your personal story about the loss of your children due to estrangement. I can't imagine how that must feel.... I agree with you- it's not for anyone to say whether one type of grief is more significant than another type of grief. It's such a personal thing. You cannot compare those experiences, you can only share them in the hope others can understand and learn about you, as a person.... with thoughts and feelings and experiences that are unique to you. (just as we are all unique.)

In my case, I feel I should hold back, because I have never been a Mum and can't imagine what it would be like to be a parent.

Thank you for your understanding @Sahara 💕 Sorry this happened, it was not my intention. Yes, comparisons should never be made. Grief is a terrible thing and all respond in different ways. The loss of a child is horrendous and incredibly difficult to move on from as it's so unnatural - and when murder, estrangment, abduction, abandonment, suicide etc enters into the loss it makes it even more unnatural, more damaging to the mind, more to deal on top of grief, harder to accept - harder to move on from. One has to experience it to know this and it's something I would never wish on anyone. There is not enough support for victims of this out there.

Will write to you soon on a happier note. Glad you are enjoying your PHd - remember you do have the talent to do this, never doubt it. You have what it takes to succeed 🤗

No offence intended, please accept my apology for not wording things better. Chalkin it up as misunderstandings.

My my unwell mum is a challenge, She can't find her sewing box and convinced I must have took it when I last visited (which is rediculous), today's tx msg from her:

"still got shits my sewing box gone walkabout" No hi, how are you, what ya doing... Strange how at my age i still crave validation from mother dearest. Its hard to keep caring when its so one sided.

Was your mums passing peaceful @Sahara ? I know @Dec's mum was nasty 'till the end. I just want to run away from it all until its all over, let the rival rels fight it out without me, bury, divide, scatter - maybe then I'll visit the grave say goodbye. Anyway, morbid topic. It was good reading your self care strategies after visiting tour dad last Sahara, and the long journey and the boundaries when he's in hospital for 2days. We do need to cope.

Work this AM went well, then I went to a Car Boot sale. Found books: 'Food Remedies' (trying to avoid pharmacy medication) and 'Birding for Dummies' (would like to have birds again - really like finches & pink Bourke birds re sound they make).

laps🌿

Warning: describing someone's passing in hospital in some detail... this may be upsetting to those who have lost a loved one.

@Former-Member

my Mum's passing was more or less peaceful- she was admitted to a private hospital and died 11 days later. She was unconscious for around 3 days before she died; she was on a pain-relief pump for that time, which would have kept her heavily sedated, even if she were not unconscious.

Mum had multiple health issues and was elderly. Her organs failed. I don't believe she experienced any pain- in fact, on the last day that she was conscious, I asked her if she had any pain and she said she didn't. I didn't realise how many pain tablets the staff were giving her, though- apparently, quite a lot. So then they gave her the infusion pump for pain, as well. She had good care.

Sorry if this is too detailed!

I had a panic attack in the hospital on the first day that Mum spent unconscious, and decided not to return to the hospital room after that. I stayed at my parents house while everyone in my immediate family took turns to visit Mum and sit with her. I just lay on the couch and took calming prescription medication to deal with my anxiety.

I did not really say goodbye to her, but when I left her hospital room for the last time, I kissed her and said "I love you". I think I knew that I would not be able to return to that room. Mum was actually Ok with being hospitalised and she knew that she was dying. It was sad and surreal.

I just couldn't cope with seeing her like that. My Dad makes out that Mum had a terrible death, but I don't believe she did. If fact, she was able to walk (very slowly) and talk to us, up until about 4 days before she passed. So it was relatively quick.

There were no great melodramatic scenes at the hospital. I already knew that there was nothing I needed to say to Mum before she died. I did not feel the need to unburden my soul to her or anything like that. It's not like on T.V. or in the movies.

Comments on parents dying in hospital

Hi @Sahara

It's really rough when people die in hospital - when both of my parents died there was a gathering of the clan for the last rites and I felt strange - I was sure that my mother's spirit had left - and I prayed that she had gone and yet her body lasted for days and I still can't understand a lot of family stuff

My dad though - his death was dignified - other members of the family did not think so but I did - he was a noble man, a man of faith - and it was a peaceful passing

They both lived long lives - it was easy to let go of a loving parent - though I miss him to this day - it's just normal - but my mother - no - that was harder - and I still feel so much was left unsaid and will be unsaid - and yes - that is hard

There are some things we need to discuss - and warnings are appropriate

Dec

Aw @Former-Member

Nothing you have said is a bother - you are okay - maybe it's hard reading all this stuff

Dec