14th year house bound

Jacques your not so different to me I have hand wipes and sanitizer everywhere too. Even in the car and my handbag. Even the girls have it in their school bags.

Dinner here is 5 sharp, we have a routine and set time for everything too. The girls are more settled knowing when things are going to happen, I get stressed when things aren't on time.

So we both must be in a mess:-)

You and l are so alike Jacques

OMG Karen, it is scary, are you for real, you do the same for dinner, 5pm? OMG and the hand wipes, i can't believe it, i really thought i was the only one with these extreme needs/condition.

i hope you are ok tonight Karen, i worry about you, i wish you could see what an awesome job you are doing, with the girls, the house, life everything, you are amazing.

Yes Jacques it's true dinner 5 sharp, if it's not on time the girls will be at the table waiting, I become so overwhelmed if it's late.

And the girls have tissues, handwipes and sanitizer in their bags.

I actually went to the supermarket today to get more.

My other secret.....please don't laugh I buy hand sanitizer and tissues to go in the girls classrooms.

So I think I'm actually the one with extreme needs.

I thought it was just me.

I told you Jacques that I really do understand.

I think I did too much today I feel really nauseated shaking really bad and chest pain, it hurts to breathe.

Hope your doing better than me my friend.

OMG Karen, at least the children will have very clean hands and never catch a cold, lol.

Their are many parents that do the same Karen, their seems to be a germ phobia right across Australia, we are not alone my angel, maybe we are just the norm now!!!!!

I can't believe how much we are alike, no wonder we are such close friends.

Karen did you drink water when you where mowing? you may be dehydrated, please try to drink a glass of water now, it might help. if that does not maybe just lie down and rest.

I am ok, i have the chest pains too, i am a little anxious tonight.

I think your right Jacques I haven't had enough water the last 2 days. I got a bottle of water next to me now.

I'm so stubborn having to push myself so hard just because I want the place to look perfect.

I'm my own worst enemy

I never though someone would be like me. At least you know your not alone.

Good Girl Karen, it is so important to keep hydrated, especially when you have hard work to do.

I know this is going to sound disgusting, but i always look at my urine when i go to the toilet, if it is dark yellow that means i am dehydrated and need to drink more water, if it is almost clear that means i am rehydrated, it is a good rule of thumb Karen, please see if it works for you.

Yes i too think you pus htoo hard, i am worried you are trying to prove yourslef to your parents and others, i do hope you are pushing yourself for your needs and not for others needs.

Karen, i am so glad you don't feel alone with your OCD, it is difficult to live with, but knowing others are doing the same helps a little.

To answer that mines the color of coke. I suppose that's not good.

You are right Jacques I'm trying to prove to everyone that I'm not a failure, that if everything is perfect it will make everything ok.

I hope that makes sense.

It's a bit scaryJacques that you know me better than I know myself.

You always say the perfect things to make me feel ok.

I don't know how you do it Jacques how do you know me so well?

OMG Karen, that is not good, that sounds like you are really dehydrated, try to drink at least 1 1.5 litres of water, just pure water. you don't have to drink it all at once, drink it through the day, it is only 2 600ml bottles of coke. your body will thank you for it too.

sorry if i got too personal Karen, i didn't mean for you to answer, just to be mindful of what your body is telling you.

I have learned over the past 5 years, the body always gives signs of what it requires, you just need to notice the signs and be willing to do what the body is asking.

It makes perfect sense Karen, i know that is partly the reason my father died, he worked himself to death to try to prove he was not a failure, but you know what, no matter how much you try to prove yourself, some people can not be nice, no matter how hard you try.

Karen please try to only please yourself, if you are happy then let it be, it is your life Karen, your needs, you have lived for others for 24 years, it is time to be a little selfish, allow yourself to be content with being you. to me you are perfect, i wish one day you would see yourself in the same light.

I am glad you feel better when talking to me, i am so humbled, you make me feel safe, i know it sounds weired, but i seem to not focus on the fear when i am talking to you, it is like my mind focuses all it's energy on you, and lets the day to day stuff go. Thank you for being my friend. i can't say that enough.....

Jacques that wasn't too personal. I don't look after myself. I don't believe that I deserve to be looked after.

I've taken over punishing myself . I just don't believe that I deserve to be here.

It's stupid I spent 24 years trying to stay safe from my husband now I need protecting from myself.

I wish knew how to be kind to myself.

Oh Karen, you have been through so much you havre just forgotten how to care for yourself, thats all, it is time you care for yourself now, you are worthy of care, you deserve respect, you deserve love.

Karen, you have been manipulated to beleive you don't deserve any of these things, i am going to teach you that you do deserve care. it may take time, but please bear with me, you are my friend and i want you to be here for a long time to come, i know the girls feel the same, remember KAren, small steps, you need to relearn what it is like to be a woman, to be a person, to be a mother. all of this takes time, you have plenty of time Karen, so try not to feel like you need to be everything now, it will come over time, start with small things, take a break when working on the house, drink that extra bottle of water, the small things.

I honestly believe your late husband made you think this way, it was his final insult to you, Karen you are a beautiful person, one day i will prove it to you.