14th year house bound

hi my angel,

no not really a busy day, i only did about 2 hours work, i am shaking really bad and have a racing heart, when i went to trim the hedges after dinner i had to speak to my next door neighbour, i was frantic, i struggled to speak properly and just froze, i must have looked like a real idiot.

i am losing motivation at an alarming rate, i am not getting up early anymore and struggle just to get my body out of bed, let alone do anything, i do things out of guilt i suppose, i feel guilty for being able to sit around while people have to work to give me money.

i get the shaking after mowing too, i thought it was from the vibration of the mower, muscle memory and all that. maybe it is anxiety.

i feel really down about not doing enough, i am pretty much at a standstill until the plumber comes.

Karen you mean so much to me, you are more than a friend to me, you are my guardian angel. i feel you protect me from my thoughts, from taking action. the feelings are mutual Karen, i hope you know that. you are the only friend i have ever confided in, not even life long friends know what you know.

Thanks for trusting me Jacques I am honoured. I've never had a best friend or someone to trust with my secrets. I am so grateful that you are here for me unconditionally, like I am for you.

Sorry I haven't posted earlier the girls decided they weren't going to bed.

I look at the house and I'm so overwhelmed with what needs to be done I don't think I can do it and that I've made a huge mistake.Jacques remember your breathing if you can get it back under control your heart rate will come down too.

Breathe in count to 5 slowly

Breathe out count to 7 slowly breathing all the way out

Repeat until things calm down

I'm here for you Jacques holding your hand

my angel i sounds like the girls are full of beans tonight, i hope you managed to get them to sleep now.

Karen you did not make a mistake, you need to break the house down into rooms, it is too overwhelming looking at it as a whole, i had the same problem.

They can be really full on especially when I'm exhausted.

How's the breathing Jacques have you managed to slow it down.

I wish I could be with you to support you more.

Yes my angel, i bet, they are young, full of energy and learning new things all the time, i know it is hard, but you are doing a wonderful job with them, you should be so proud of them, they sound like very smart girls. just like their mum.

I have control of my breathing now, but i am very hot, i think my heart rate is up a bit. but i am calming down.

Oh my angel, you are doing more than enough for me, imagine having to care for me too, you would really be exhausted!!!!!

Karen you have done well today, please remember not everything has to be done now, this goes for the mowing, the renos, and life in general, their is always tomorrow to do it, what ever it is.

Karen how are you tonight? you sound better than you did last night, i hope the dark thoughts are easing up a bit.

OMG Karen, you should be careful, it can put much strain on the body, please take it easy and take your time, i know you feel like it all needs to be done in a day, but if it is not possible don't make it so.

Karen, can you put the meds in a container and put it into a locked container with the key in the kids room or your parents room? maybe even get webster packs and put them in a place you can't reach without a ladder. you need to put them away from temptation.

OK Karen, how to fix your tablet.

step 1 go to settings the little cog in the menu

step 2 go to my device, then select Language & input

step 3 click on the little cog next to the samsung keyboard.

Step 4 un-highlight predictive text, auto replace to off, auto capitalisation, auto spacing & auto punctuate, all set to off or unticked.

I hope this helps

i am glad it helped Karen, i am having the same problem, it is not just you with the writing problem.

Karen would it be possible to ask the pharmacy if they could give you only enough for a week, that way their would not be so many around, you need to put them in a place where it is difficult to get to, or where you would wake someone if you go near them.

would it be possible to get the pharmacy to give you a webster pack each day, that way their would be no medication around?

That's the thing i need to have that option, after 24 years and no way out I need to now

Karen, you need to make sure their is no temptation, it is like an alcoholic, they can't be any where near alcohol, same with you and me, we need to stay away from the things that allow us to harm ourselves.

Karen it is only in your mind that you need that option, i know how it is i have that too, a way out, but as i am sure you have been told you need to wait 24 hours, things are not as bad as they seem after the thoughts have passed.

Karen when you have these thoughts, you need to break the thought process, a sound a snap something to break the train of thought. it is a downward spiral if you allow these thoughts to progress. i have to do the same, it s difficult, but we need to try.

Karen, you need to set an alarm or something for every 10 minutes, to break the thought cycle.

Just remember my angel, the girls need you, i need you, and think of all the things in the future you would miss if you where not here, the girls graduation, all the girls birthdays, and chatting to me.

make sure you always remember they are only thoughts, you don't have to act on them.

Karen i am always here if you ever need to talk, you are not alone and you are not the only one with these thoughts, many of us around the world struggle with these thoughts everyday. you are not alone.