14th year house bound

Jacques you are so lucky to have your mum's support. What a great mum you have.

I just make a mess of everything. Trying to fill in the paperwork online I was so out of my depth.

Thanks for being so honest Jacques.

I feel so selfish having such dark thoughts.

If you can't talk to someone about the suicide stuff it makes things so difficult.People's reactions are always bad when they find out I have children.

No one understands that they would be better off without me. I'm not scared of it.....

Yes you are right Karen, i am lucky, i am so thankful every day for havign a supportive mum.

Karen you don't make a mess of everything, did no one offer any help? how could you do it if you don't know how?

Karen i am always honest to you, you are my best friend, i will hide nothing from you.

Karen, it is not selfish, our brains are just wired differently to everyone else, small differences in chemicals can make a devistating out come for people like you and me.

I know my angle, i do hope you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about these things, i will not judge you or get upset, i am so proud of you talking about these things, it takes enormous courage to do so.

I really do feel honoured you feel comfortable enough to talk to me, i will never betray this trust you have given me.

I know how hard it is with peoples reactions, my family where horrified when i reached out to a person for assisted suicide, i was at a real loss without you, had enough of life and wanted out. I was denied of course, but to see the looks and knowing what they must think of me is very hard.

I know you are not scared of it Karen, but your children would not be better off without you, actually they would be worse off without you, i know your parents would not be able to do all those things at school for them or be able to give them the love only a mother can give. Karen you give them a sense of safty, a sense of family. Only you can give them that.

Well it looks like we've nearly made it through another day.Jacques thanks for being such an awesome friend. I don't know where I would be without you.

Thanks for allowing me to ask personal questions and listening to my problems

I'm going to saygoodnight j, my night meds have just kicked in and I'm exhausted.

Talk to you tomorrow my friend.

I hope you get some rest.

Karen

Oh my angel, i am so glad you made it through another day, it is so nice having a great friend, i would not be here if it was not for you, you kind and caring attitude and your concern for me gives me great comfort.

Karen i am always here for you, you know that, anything, any time.

Get some rest my angel tomorrow is a new day.

I am counting down the hours till we speak already my angel.

I hope i manage some rest too, not likley though, i just can't sleep anymore.

Take care, be safe, my thoughts are always with you, give teddy a cuddle for me

Jacques

Good morning my angel,

i suppose the girls are at school by now and you are into the mowing, please take it easy, it does not all have to be done today, give yourself time to rest.

i am here if you want to talk, my thoughts are with you my angel.

Take care, be safe

Jacques

Hi my angel,

well it is the afternoon and i am hoping you are ok, safe, i hope you managed the mowing and i suppose you are at home with the girls, just stopped in to say hello and let you know i am thinking of you.

Take care, be safe

Jacques

Hi Jacques

Sorry I haven't been around today, I've been mowing. But didn't manage to get in all done it's such a big job.

I hope you are ok

What have you been up to today?

You are probably getting dinner about now.

I missed you today.

Hope we get to speak later.

Take care j

Karen

hi my angel,

i am so glad you got onto the mowing, please be kind to yourself, as i have said before, it does not all have to be done today, their is always tomorrow, this is my life philosophy now.

i am ok, my body temp is all over the place and i can't seem to stop shaking.

oh my angel, you know me too well, home made crumbed sausages with 3 veg.

i really missed you too my angel, i am so glad you have been doing something today, it does help to take your mind off of your troubles, i am going to trim the hedges and chip some weeds after dinner, should only take me 30 min. I did some painting, and some plastering today.

Take care my angel, we will talk later tonight, give me till 7:30pm.

Jacques

Hey Jacques wow you have had a really busy day. No wonder your shaking you must be exhausted.

I don't know how you stay so motivated. When all you feel like doing is isolating yourself.

I find the more physical work l do the more I shake. I noticed last week at the animal sanctuary after carrying a basket full of children's lunches I was shaking like a leaf. The same after mowing today shaking really badly.

You must be really satisfied with what you've accomplished today.

If I had you around, my house would nearly be finished.

Crumbled sausages I haven't had those in years.

We had bbq chicken and salad.

Thank for being such a good friend Jacques.