14th year house bound

Wow that is an old Toyota.

Better to have something a little safer. Dont feel guilty, @Jacques its still a 14 yr old car and I am sure your uncle wouldnt have given it to you if he couldnt afford it.

We had an old corolla which I had til late last year. I needed to top up with oil every few weeks, and lots of things were starting to go, I bought a new old car, but had an accident after only 4 months. Now I have a Holden so must be finally a true blue Oi OI OI.

Cant sleep, been reading, "The Tulip Eaters" and checked emails.

yes @Appleblossom it was a celica, which made it worse, the parts where so expensive, so i have not been able to drive to the next town for over 5 years, i could only drive locally.

Yes my Uncle was very kind, i told him not to because i would feel guilty but he just turned up with it, i feel very lucky to have such kind family like i do. yes he could afford it but that was not the point, i feel like i am always costing family money reguardless how much they have.

Yes i know the feeling with old cars, it is a continious struggle, and i am sorry you had an accident right after you got your new one. It is always they way hey, i got a window for the celica when they would not pass it for rego, had to save for moneths to get it, 2 weeks later a rock came up off the road and smashed the new one.

oh yes you are a true aussie now, lol

i am sorry you are having trouble sleeping, i know the feeling, i am not reading much the past 2 months, can't concentrate, too adgitated, what is The Tulip eaters about?

Well good luck with our sons concert, i hope you enjoy it and he goes well with it.

Take Care

Jacques

Oh @hiddenite My Angel,

i am so PROUD of you, how you managed for 2 hours is unbelievable, i could not have even walked through the front door, of course you are shaking, wow, kids, red cordil and junk food, yep that is a recepie for hyperactive kids, and so many wow.

I can't believe how much you are managing to do lately, you are going really well. i know how hard it is with the shaking and chest pains, but it will subside, give it time.

i had a big panic attack this afternoon to the point where i could not breath, but i managed to push through it.

yes i was going to ask about the costumes, and wow making some blankets, i am sure the girls are excited, you are so creative, have you thoought of taking up sewing as a hobbie, my mother does cross stitch and embroidery, they are all beautiful she likes ones with animals.

yes i am better today than i have been all week, i pulled everything out of the cupboards in the shed, a lot of stuff i have not seen since i left high school. so many memories, memories of a better time. anyway will get started organising it tomorrow.

i hope all goes well with the blankets and costumes, wow you are a great mum, not too manty children would have a mum who would spend quality time with their kids like you do.

you where in my thoughts too, i could almost see you in my shed telling me where to put things.

Big Hugs and have a restful night my angel

Jacques

Hi @hiddenite My Angel

I am sure you would Karen, yes with my OCD i need to have everything organised, everything has it's place i can't leave the shed until all tools and everything is packed away.

i hope you managed some rest last night, i hope the day at the river goes quickly, i used to sit in the car park in the next town every day and just watch people going about their business wondering if i would ever be able to live like them, the answer is obviously no. some days went quick others didn't, i did this for 6 years, always parked in the same spot, i felt like i was on the outside of something looking in, like normal life was for everyone else, like i was excluded from being busy. i don't know how to explain it, it just feels so surreal.

will be thinking of you today, big hug

Jacques

Hi @hiddenite My Angel

I bet it has been tough, i know i live in the lougeroom, house not big enough, i have no room of my own to go to get some alone time. that is why i think it really important you have a place of your own, not just for somewhere to call home, but for some stability for you and your girls. and somewhere you will be happy to go, not just a place to stay.

you and me are lost souls arent we? yes i think our past will always haunt us, we just have to manage as best we can.

I know you want the girls to see you as a super mum but you are damaged by what he did and so are the girls, Many people have OCD and manage life, i have got used to mine, everything having it's place and continual handwashing. Karen i think you went above and beyond protection of your daughters, what you endured for them is incredable, if they knew what you sacrificed for them. Karen lease tell yourself every morning when you get up, he did this to you, he did this to the girls, none of it was your fault, he was too weak to seek help, too weak to walk away, too weak to be a man. Karen you are the strong one, you protected your girls, you protected yourself, you did what needed to be done for survival, many people would not have been able to endure what you have, PTSD can happen with 1 tragic event, you lived it for 27 years, of course you are damaged, or course the girls are damaged, but that is the reason you need to get help, and get the girls help.

Karen i know in my heart one day you and the girls will be happy, your own little family, just the three of you, you are so wonderful to them, such a great mum. i know you don't see it, but i do, and i am sure the girls do to.

Karen i will watch over you and make sure if you need help i will tell you, but you need to promise me if i do notice something you will go imediaty to the doctors? deal?

Oh Karen, you really need a place of your own, you can't go on like this, the car is no place for you, you have done it for long enough, it is cold here too, i feel so sorry you have to endure it like you do.

Hang in their, i am always thinking of you my special friend.

Jacques

Hi @hiddenite,

Just wanted to step in here, and say I can hear that you are living with a lot at the moment.

I’m really happy to see that you have found an old friend of yours in Jacques.

Though I know you’ve mentioned you’d not let anyone know, in terms of medication decisions, talking to a professional is really important to make sure that you are well and in particular managing withdrawals or negative effects of going off medication that may occur.

If you are not willing at this stage to do this, please keep a journal of how you are going, that will help track the effect of your medication.

Stay safe hiddenite, and keep us updated on the situation and how everything goes.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel that you don’t belong, keep posting and sit by the fire with everyone.

Rhythm.