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14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor14 May 2015, 10:54 am AEST

14th year house bound

Hi Everyone,

I am new hear, after being removed from other mental health forums for my depressive thoughts i thought i would give this forum a try, this is my story.

I am 33 live with my mother, i am almost compeatly housebound, i leave my house once in the morning for a walk at 6am and maybe once during the week, both times i leave the house fill me with great anxiety, i have no friends, (the last friend i had was in 2001), i have never had a job, never had a girlfriend and never been able to leave my parents side, my father died in 2001 and i have always suffered seperation anxiety the last time i had a night away from home was 1994 for one night (parents had to pick me up at midnight because i was so frantic).

I have spent most of the past 14 years in my room, or the shed, never much out of the yard, no one in my town knows me, people stare and ask each other behind my back if any one knows who i am.

I have only had an income for the past year and spend the previous 7 with no income at all, mum had to use all of her life savings to allow me to live with her and she now has nothing.

I only want to live long enough to care for her in her old age and then i plan to take my own life, i knew from an early age my life would turn out like this, but had no idea how horrible it would be, every day is the same, i often wonder why i keep going, i have very little contact with family (maybe once a year) and i am really struggling to keep going.

Please don't feel distressed about what i am saying, and i am so sorry if i have offended anyone, it is just how i feel.

Their is so much more, but i will leave it at that for the moment, i am shaking and the anxiety is kicking in so thankyou for reading and i will add more later.

Jacques

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In response to: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 3:54 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hey @Jacques

Thanks you know I feel exactly the way you do.
I have no idea why we have this connection and bond.
especially seeing my main trigger is men and if I ever saw you I would run a mile.

I am so grateful for your support and kindness.
You understand that I have huge issues with my safety but you still care.
Im just a strange voice in the dark.

I wish I had someone in the real world that understands me like you do.

I hope you managed a walk today.
or some work around the house..
take care j
karen

In response to: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 4:17 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hey j
I so sorry that you are struggling too. Hopefully that will pass for a little while so you can get some rest.

I'm grateful you were with me last night I needed someone to hold on to.
never forget my friend that im always there with you even if its just keeping you company while you're cleaning out the shed.

I hope you never forget that im here for you. I am so proud of you for taking the holiday and I understand the consequences that toll has taken.

since starting the new meds in may ive put on 10 kg. Um so upset with myself.... I just find the motivation to shift it.
the strange part is that I have never eaten chocolate and can't stant the taste. But since I went on the new meds I can't stop eating the stuff.

I really just want to stop the meds I don't see the point.
I still have daily flashbacks and anxiety attacks. Not sleeping. The negative thoughts are awful. And my safety scares me having to battle that everyday.
When it seems the right thing to do.

I hate being medicated.

anyway enough of that
thinking of you and remember to leave some room for me when you sit on the couch.

hope the car your uncle gave you is going ok.
karen

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 5:17 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi @hiddenite My Angel,

yes i am struggling but nothing that i have not faced before, i will struggle on like you, yes Karen i was with you all night, you where even in my thoughts this morning, my special friend. remember i am always their too, holding your hand, giving you a cuddle when you need it most.

yes medication can do strange things, some of the side effects i suffer is horrible, but for mums sake i take it, she has been a lot happier and less stressed since i have been on it.

i know you don't see the point but you need to take it, it takes the edge off the anxiety, dpression and PTSD, i know it does not seem like it, but i have seen a difference in the way you write, you are not so down all the time like you used to be. we both have the safty problems, i fight it everyday too, every time you think about it remind yourself your little girls need you, and their life would be worse if you go. you are special Karen to them and me.

yes i have 2 couches so you can streatch out on one if you like

oh yes, the car my uncle gave me is going unreal, 20 years newer than the old one, auto and airconditioning and power steering i have never had that before. i feel so lucky to have family that is willing to sacrifice for me and mum, i am going to pay the car back, when i get some spare money, it is not fair for him to give us such a gift, and not fair for the rest of the family, i feel like i am being treated differently and i am worried it will cause friction in the family.

well Karen, if you are on later i will speak to you then otherwise i will be their to protect you, no matter what. Take care my special friend.

Jacques

In response to: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hey J

I feel so much weight lifted knowing that you are here to help and support me.

Unfortunately when I wasn't in contact with you it was such a deep loss that I tried to take my life in march.
I know its such a selfish thing to do but I see my girls as being better off without me . Especially with the symptoms that are so hard to control. I hate the shaking and anxiety.
I try to hide what is happening to me but you know how hard that is and the toll it takes.

I so happy that your new car is more reliable than what you had. So blessed that your family are supporting you. Thats wonderful. Don't feel guilty if your uncle ddidn't want to help you he wouldn't have.

I told you that you are worth it.
I feel stronger with you by my side thank you so much Jacques.

I just don't have the words to tell you how important you are to me.

Karen

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 8:32 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

@hiddeniteMy Angel

Karen you are such a special lady, i do not judge your decision, i think the girls are better off with you, but i understand your way of thinking, i think that way too, i am a burden on my family they would all be better off financially and emotionally without me. i think deep down the girls love you very much, you are their mother, their protector, you can't hide what is happening, i know i can't my mother knows, senses and i am sure your girls do too, when you are hurting hold them close, they are your rock, your reason to live, your reason to be happy again one day.

Karen you are a special lady, what you have been through, all to protect your self and your girls, you should never feel ashamed for what you did, you did what you thought was right for you and the girls, your motherly instinct is strong and now you have survived, it is time for you to heal and enjoy your time with your daughters, those girls will grow up fast, they will need you for the good times and the bad, your advice will be invaluable to them.

from what you have told me so far you have done all the right things under the curcumstances, it was survival, i understand it, i do it every day, i feel so under threat from everyone i will do anything to protect myself, as you did.

Karen i will always be here to help you carry the load of history, you have so much baggage and you can't carry it alone.

you are my friend, always will be. i know how nights can be, stay safe, hold your crystals tight i will be thier in spirit to protect you.

Jacques

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

AppleblossomSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 8:47 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi @Jacques

I am glad you have a decent safe car.

How is the shed going?

My son wanted to busk today, but he has first opera concert tomorrow so I talked him out of it .. too cold outside .. we did some voice work and worked on lines for his next reading for the Shakespeare Society.

He polished his shoes and helped set my clock .. I think we are turning a corner and he knows I am excited about tomorrow because it is about HIM and I think he is worth it.

He can go busking another day.

In response to: 14th year house bound

hiddeniteSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 8:48 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

J you had better just move over and make room for me because I'm not letting go of your hand...I promised.
You're stuck with me.
l hope thats ok.

good night my friend.
sleep peacefully

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 9:23 pm AEST

Re: 14th year house bound

Hi @Appleblossom,

I am glad you have decided to stay on the forums, i really like talking to you.

Yes my old car was a 1982 toyota, until 6 months ago i was doing everything to keep it on the road, it was falling apart from under me. now i have a 2001 toyota and i feel like royalty all the comforts, i feel spoilt.

i am glad you talked him into preparing for tomorrow, wow, he sounds like a great boy, i am glad you two are getting on the same wave length, i am sure things are going to work out fine for you and him.

i wish him well for his concert tomorrow, it sounds tough.

Take Care

Jacques

In response to: Re: 14th year house bound

JacquesSenior Contributor25 July 2015, 9:25 pm AEST