My Hospital Stay

Day 5. Woke up before the psychiatrist arrived. Yay.
When we spoke - I finally said "I'm making a plan ..." before I could continue, his ph rang, he answered it in front of me. When he hung up, his other ph rang (he has 2 phones). He missed the 2nd call. He looked at who rang - then instantly rang them back. Then anothwr call came in and he answered that. Eventually whilst on that same call he walked out of my room to continue his oh call in private. He waa gone so long, that I managed a quick facewasher wash, brushed my teeth. Got dressed. Made my bed and folded my pj's. Still wasn't back. So I just sat there on my bed. 15 minutes he was gone. No mention of my suicidal plans at all. He just said tomorrow my workcover funded stay runs out. He will apply for a 7 day extension but doesn't think we'll even get 3 days. So I may have to leave tomorrow. I said I'm not leaving.
It's out of his hands. It's up to workcover. I know this. But I don't think he heard -or really chose not to hear my comment about a plan.
FARK!!!
I then went to 2 groups. One on ACT & one on Mindfulness. Logically the words made sense. But inside my brain just kept saying "it's not going to work for me" & "this doesn't apply to me". & "I'll never get better". Again logically I know I should be able to get better. But my brain just keeps screaming NO!!!

Such a frustrating time for you @utopia! I can only hope that the phone call was in relation to a seriously urgent matter

I know many people are not in favour of public mental health facilities. Since I've not been to a private one I can't make a comparison but from what you're saying my personal opinion is that it might be worth considering this as an alternative option.

Thinking of you. I wish I could wave a wand so you'd feel better.

Luv n Hugzzz 💚💙💚

Day 5 - Part 2.
So T the nurse I like came on at 3pm. He said he'd talk with me at 4. At 4.20 he came and appologised. He was running late as he has a student with him and the other nurse is agency. He promised he would find time to talk to me during this shift.
So after dinner I sat down with T and the student nurse. I explained that when I told my psychiatrist about my SI becoming a plan - that he just tiok calls and then never addressed it. I explained that I feel that if I have to leave hospital tmw or this week, that I feel I will carry out my plan to die.
He listened. He acknowledged my feelings areuunderstandable for what I'm currently going through. He said my depression was real. That I do deserve and should be in this hospital for longer. Hearing that was so good. Because some parts of me don't feel I'm sick enough.
He said he has heard my story many times when it comes to Workcover and their lack of empathy and nit approving the amount of time and care needed for people to be better.
He then said he is going to call my psychiatrist now and explain how serious the situation is and will also phone the nursing manager here at the hospital.
He did say unfortunately it may be that I have to leave tomorrow - but maybe with pressure from my psychiatrist and my lawyer -to Workcover - that I may be able to get more time a few days after I go home.
I told him - if I go home - as unwell as I do now,I will die. Or the aalternative is, if they kick me out tmw, I won't leave, I'll just sit outside the front door of the hospital. But I won't go home. Because if I go home I will suicide.
The negative self talk is so LOUD & so CONSTANT.
I feel like I have no control. That I'm out of control. And that the people who have control of my life (workcover) have no comprehension of what I'm living through.
So yes, this is a very negative post.
I don't need or want any responses. I know you all care for me. I appreciate it.
I'm safe tonight. I'm just looking forward to taking my sleeping tablet and passing out into a dreamless long sleep.

Day 6 - part 1
No news yet from Workcover. A nurse came and spoke to me this morning. She explained they won't just kick me out. If I'm sick enough for a CTO they will transfer me to a public hospital - while trying to get approval to come back here.
But as she said - I'm not sick enough for a CTO. If they don't hear from Workcover, I stay here - as it's Workcovers responsibility to tell them when my time is up.
Nurse R also said my psychiatrist is working behind the scenes to try and get Workcover to listen. There is another workcover patient going through the same issues at the moment.
It is very stressful and increases the anxiety so much.
So I know I'm safe at the moment - I hear that from Nurse R. But my brain and negative self talk doesn't believe it yet.
I went to one group called Surviving Emotional Distress. I struggled to understand a lot of it. He gave us a few handouts to read. I haven't read them yet.
Think I may ask for a prn to calm my nerves a bit. And then have a sleep.
Just that sensation of not knowing what to do. Knowing I'm here to get better - but not knowing how to do it.