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who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor04 May 2017, 7:08 pm AEST

who am i- may trigger

so ive been through some traumatic events and i feel it has changed me but in the process ive lost who i am and i dont know how to get 'me' back
im having alot of trouble moving forward and i dont even know where to start
ive been diagnosed with complex ptsd, health anxiety, social phobia, severe depressio and severe GAD as well

i was sexually abused when i was abit yonger and its still affecting me and i still ahve troubles coming to terms that it was my fault.
ive witnessed my youngest sister get attacked by a dog and i still blame myself for it
for both of events i still get flashbacks and visons of lookin ahead as well as alot of emotions around these mixed in with depression and the other anxieties as well

im a carer for my pop and also a primary carer for my two younger sisters and i also have another small paying job which is horse holiday care.
im also studyin as well and its coming to the end of it now as well.

i recently lost my nan and i was a carer for her as well before she passed and towards the end she was in a really bad way and these memories still haunt me

ive also got mild scoliosis and that is enough to cause pain, a few torn ligamanets that may never heal and if they do they will still casue me pain
i had a disk in my neck that is damaged from a horse fall and it casue s me pain and wont full heal but all i can do is continue pain management and treatment

i dont have any friends outside the forums and i dont have the support of my family either which makes me feel like a total dissapointment and a looser

not that long ago ive had to get glasses and also have to keep getting my eyes checked as they thought my retina was going so thats fun

i recently had to have pelvic and abdominal exams and ultrasounds as my gp thinks i have a condtion thats casuing lack of periods as i ahvent had them for almsot 2 months now and showing other symptoms as well and they wanted to do std testing from my past as well
im at my gp at least every week and this week alone ive gone 3 times already

i dont know who i am anymore, i dont know how to rediscover myself. i dotn know how to move forward and i dont know where to go from here

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In response to: who am i- may trigger

Unknown userMember18 May 2017, 10:38 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Oh that sucks it wasn't your choice. Oh trust me when I miss my period I put on the weight to. It's the worst. Well the good thing is your getting the tests done and it doesn't look like anything major at this point. Sometimes the body just gets out of whack for no reason then decided to behave.

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor18 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Yeah i was sexually abused and it wasnt the most pleasant first experience and i havent done anything since either nor do i think i want to esp if its that rough every single time.
And now everytime sex is even meantioned all i think is pain so im avoiding that
And if im a carrier i wouldnt want to give it to anyone else
Yeah I wish my body would start to behave itself

In response to: who am i- may trigger

Unknown userMember25 May 2017, 8:40 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Hope you dont mind me bringing tjis chat over here @outlander

You said "i have no one outside these forums. I've got very minimal psych visits left before i send myself broke tryng to do it, and my 'friends' are now the bullies and my family is unsupportive so nope i havent got anyone and my mother is a cow and hasnt supported me since i meantioned MI"

Sorry that's all so bleak for you tonight, especially that you're so angry with ya mum and feel you have nobody. I've been where you are but didn't even have the awareness I was desperately lonely. You're a step ahead.

I think you're better off limiting time with bullies (but after asking them to try tone it down, help them understand).

With a psychologist, some do bulk bill, alternatively there's Centacare or Uni Psychology dpts with counselling, and bring a young person Headspace and other resources are open to you. - You just have to drag ya feet there on the bad days.

With ya mum, she probably wants to help but doesn't know how and maybe fearful of MI. Can you forgive her?

I haven't read your story in full yet sorry, what your MI label is or physical ailments are etc (forget more than I learn half the time, haha) but I'll have a read and catch up another time. Gotta ring a cuz who's mum had a stroke. You be kind to yourself precious 🌷

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor26 May 2017, 11:47 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Hi @Former-Member

sorry it took me so long to reply
I wasnt having a good night and needed to get my SH attended too

you said ive been where you are- how did you get through it?

Im not associating with the bullies and am limiting any contact that I may encounter by avoiding everything and anything.

My mother knows about Mi she had it herself and recovered quickly but nothing like this. I dont talk to her or anyone else except on here about my MI as I get judged everywhere I go.
I dont have any friends and the friends I did have are now the bullies

my story is very long and complicated but in short plus theres more in the first post on this thread- im a full time carer for my pop, a primary carer for my two younger sisters who have no respect for me whatsoever and thats the same as my mother- im pretty much cinderella without a happy ending
I was SA as well and have now been diagnosed with a form og HPV that will hopefully go within 12 months and wont need any further treatment. Chronic pain from scoliosis, and a disk thats dmaged from a horse fall, as well as torn ligaments that wont heal and cant do anything surgically at all as well as having constant headaches and bad stomach pains from something or rather but no evidence theres anyhting wrong
my MI is severe depression, severe GAD, severe complex PTSD, social phobia and health anxiety

In response to: who am i- may trigger

Unknown userMember26 May 2017, 12:02 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Oh @outlander, my heart how's out to you, that's so much to carry on young shoulders 😖 feel for you and so admire your courage and openness and resilience to get this far. Hold yourself kindly,cya doing the best you can.
I have to meet someone for lunch but look forward to getting to know you. You asked me howvi got through it, well, personally (apart from what everyone else says to do), I've learned to just keep picking myself up, put one foot in front of the other each day (no matter how slow), learning to be my own best friend, taking breaks and giving time to do little things I enjoy each day. You'll get there, i know it 🙂

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor26 May 2017, 1:06 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

thanks @Former-Member

yeah its alot and its a great constant pressure too. i cant hold myself together anymore. i just dont seem to care what happens to me anymore. is it worth it

i hope you have a good lunch

thank you for your advice, though i dont think i can keep picking myself up all the down

i just want to stay here on the floor where theres no expectations except for to move when i start getting numb from not moving

sorry its such a negative point of view, i cant help it at the moment i ahvent been this bad for a while- actually i think its worse than last time

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

OwlunarSenior Contributor27 May 2017, 4:30 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Hi @outlander

I am typing in bed - on my laptop - and this is not easy so my messages are brief

It's easier to put up hearts and flowers - maybe I should see if I can find some real ones on the net

I rather like the floor - it impossible to fall of the floor - in the summer I sometimes lie on the floor and enjoy the draft - I went to sleep on the floor a few weeks back and woke up and wondered if I had a fall but I remember stretching out and making myself comfortable one overly warm March afternoon - but unless we plan such an event we may beed a pillow - ah

But from where I stand - or lying in bed with my computer and my cat right now - you are one courageous person - and worth your life and your space - you do a lot to help your Pop and this is such a good thing

I gotta take a walk around the clip art and see if I can find some hearts and flowers for you - I am sure they are there somewhere

Dec

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2017, 9:03 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Good morning @Owlunar ❤

Im not couageous but at least thats your view
You can add anybpics you like to the other thread. We need a bit of light tk look at when all we see is dark

I need you to put your mum hat on though if you dont mind me discussing something with you. Thats very personal which im embarrassed and confused about @Owlunar

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor27 May 2017, 10:40 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Only if your comfortable though @Owlunar

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 10:43 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

@Faith-and-Hope are you still around?
Can i ask you something im conflicted about? It is personal though so only if your comfortable

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