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who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor04 May 2017, 7:08 pm AEST

who am i- may trigger

so ive been through some traumatic events and i feel it has changed me but in the process ive lost who i am and i dont know how to get 'me' back
im having alot of trouble moving forward and i dont even know where to start
ive been diagnosed with complex ptsd, health anxiety, social phobia, severe depressio and severe GAD as well

i was sexually abused when i was abit yonger and its still affecting me and i still ahve troubles coming to terms that it was my fault.
ive witnessed my youngest sister get attacked by a dog and i still blame myself for it
for both of events i still get flashbacks and visons of lookin ahead as well as alot of emotions around these mixed in with depression and the other anxieties as well

im a carer for my pop and also a primary carer for my two younger sisters and i also have another small paying job which is horse holiday care.
im also studyin as well and its coming to the end of it now as well.

i recently lost my nan and i was a carer for her as well before she passed and towards the end she was in a really bad way and these memories still haunt me

ive also got mild scoliosis and that is enough to cause pain, a few torn ligamanets that may never heal and if they do they will still casue me pain
i had a disk in my neck that is damaged from a horse fall and it casue s me pain and wont full heal but all i can do is continue pain management and treatment

i dont have any friends outside the forums and i dont have the support of my family either which makes me feel like a total dissapointment and a looser

not that long ago ive had to get glasses and also have to keep getting my eyes checked as they thought my retina was going so thats fun

i recently had to have pelvic and abdominal exams and ultrasounds as my gp thinks i have a condtion thats casuing lack of periods as i ahvent had them for almsot 2 months now and showing other symptoms as well and they wanted to do std testing from my past as well
im at my gp at least every week and this week alone ive gone 3 times already

i dont know who i am anymore, i dont know how to rediscover myself. i dotn know how to move forward and i dont know where to go from here

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In response to: who am i- may trigger

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 10:48 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Here for you @outlander. I am no expert, but I will give it some thought and see what comes to mind .....

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:03 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope
You know my past so i dont have to tell you. But as you know i have panic attacks regarding men and things including pelvic exams but i was watching a movie a sex scene did come on wasnt advertised on the cover so wasnt expecting it. I usually cringe and fast forward and have a heap of fear pretty much sending me into a panic attack. This time though i was extremely uncomfortable and weary and i did fast forward it but there was a strange feeling inside me like desire. Its got me so conflicted and i dont know what to do. Its the first time ive felt like it. Yeah i was afraid and had those scared nervous uncomfortable feeling but it was like my body was saying it would like something like that. I dont want it nor do i intend to act on these thoughts. But its got me wound up because i am so confused about it

@Anony18@Owlunar this was the question but you dont have to answer it

In response to: who am i- may trigger

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:15 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Sexual intimacy in a loving relationship setting can be a very beautiful thing @outlander. I think your mind recognises this, and it's something you wish for in the future, which is a heathy thing and likely part of your healing. Hopefully you can just accept that, and put it aside for now.

Gotta go. Hope that helps .....

💙

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

Shaz51Senior Contributor28 May 2017, 11:35 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

I agree with what @Faith-and-Hope

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 2:52 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

so its a reativeley normal thing @Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51

its the first time ive felt like it- i guess i never really had the chance to think about it before so its all veyr new to me

maybe my mind is healing just a little bit

In response to: who am i- may trigger

CheerBearSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 5:19 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Replying here @outlander - seems a better place to post.

It seems as if I have kept up reasonably well because I had read about the challenges you've faced in the last little while. It's a lot for someone to take on and I can imagine it's becoming a very heavy load to carry.

I can empathise with why the HPV is scary for you, and think it would be particularly difficult given your health anxiety. I remember how terrifying it was for me to get news that I had a test come back abnormal. I had severe dysplasia and needed surgery to fix it, which was a very scary time. While it may not be helpful for you to hear right now, as your news may be still feeling a bit raw, even with a high graded dysplasia I have gone on to no further trouble at all and am back to two yearly tests. I'm wondering whether you're aware of what a diagnosis of HPV means? Have you received as much information as you think you need or want? Knowledge is power as far as I believe, and being that you're now aware of it, you're able to have power over it by keeping an eye on things.

I understand how much you're struggling with your friends and family, and that sucks a lot. The world would be such a better place if people were a bit kinder to each other. As for the attraction, I like what faith-and-hope has said. I think (and science agrees) that sexual feelings are your body's way of seeking basic human needs. It's so confusing and hard though when humans have been behind big trauma for us though. It's like a physical urge to seek something that emotionally and psychologically feels unsafe, as it's proven to be unsafe in the past. For me, I'm in no way shape or form ready to seek another person to meet my needs and I accept that, so I've learnt other ways to meet certain needs. Understanding that parts of my body want things that other parts aren't ready for, allows me to kind of move on from being confused about it and just letting it be. It's ok to let some things be, my friend. I guess a question you can ask yourself is whether you have the headspace to really dive in to certain things. If you don't think you do or you just don't want to right now, it's ok not to completely understand everything. It's ok to let things feel uncomfortable or awkward or confusing for a while.

Having intentions to act on suicide is a huge deal outlander. I'm sure you know that though. I know for me the point where I really did accept that it was time to get a break was when I doubted my ability not to act on my plans. While I had no immediate intention of acting on it, I knew I was walking a very fine line and that at some point I might tip over. Taking a break from the stressors in my life hasn't removed them at all but it has helped me get in a better headspace to manage. I am incredibly reluctant to suggest hospital to someone but I am also very aware that there's a point for many people when extra support might be helpful. What stopped you from acting on it the other night? Understanding and knowing fully what it is that is helpful and keeps you keeping on might be something to give some serious thought to. What do you think about the idea of extra support?

Also, are you making changes to meds with the guidance of a psych or doctor? I was very very sick recently when I screwed with my meds. Those tummy syptoms might be at the very least, heightened by med changes. I don't know a huge amount about meds but I do know that a sudden change, either by increase or decrease can have some nasy effects.

Huge congratulations on both finishing your course and your results. Super impressive!

Big hugs Outlander. You've got lots going on.

In response to: Re: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 6:02 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

@CheerBear
'yeah I agree this is a better place to post

goodness me I didnt expect you to be following at all! But thank you for popping in when you were able to- it is much appreciated

ooh that would have been painful CB having that dysplasia- of recent ive been pretty sore down there and think im getting a possible UTI or something as I though I was getting me period and though just to be on the safe side ill chuck a tampon in- well wasnt that a bad move- it bloody hurt and I couldnt get it in anyway I was too clamped off and then its been burning even more so since then but itching as well so I see my nurse on wednesay im sure so ill ask her about that while im there..
I was totally freaking the heck right out when I heard about that but I went to my nrse the next day and she said thats its very common and it can take up to 12 months for the body to clear it out so another test again then and if is still there then im off to a specialist. Its not going to do further dmaage unless it gets worse and the one I have at the moment is one step away from progressing which is why im stressing about it. I literally cant do anything until I do the next pap smear to find out whats going to have to happen. Its the waiting thats killing me!

Yeah my freidns that I thought were friends are now bullies and it haunts me everyday! Its even worse that I dont even know what ive done to make them turn and thats frustrating and upsetting to me. It making me dout everything and the things they are doing have made me lose the one thing I was ok at and that is retraining horse. I havent ridden in now months and I have been avoiding the horse paddock for a while now- only going when necessary and I dont go on my own anymore

im with you too- im not in any shape or ready or in any hurry at all or whatso ever to satisfy those needs at all nor do I have any intentions on satisfying them myself either. It was just confusing to me as its the first time ive felt like that- it still made me nervous and uncomfrortable but it didnt make me think someone was coming to get me to releive those horrors. Im just I dont know trying to understand its ok to have those feelings sometimes. And yeah I agree again with you again im certainly not ready at all! I guess I cant always be in control of my bodies desires and I guess they will always be there but I guess at the same time it doesn mean I have to act on them nor do I really have to over think it hey? Just let them come and go as they do

I know its a big deal CB, and when im not thinking about it the SH urges are often strong enough to over ride those thoughts. What stopped me from acting on them was the fact that I did som much damage in SH and the next day I was still thinking but the SH urges were again stronger and I didnt act on them but they were very much there and what stopped me acting on those was the pain I was feeling from the damage id already done was powerful enough to not do it again. I dont know what I think about anythign anymore. Im too scared to go to hospital but at the same time I think it would be better to go there but then I worry about the repercussions of it on my pop mum and siblings even though id try my best to jeep it a secret I dont think it would last esp when I get into a zombie state

ive been under the watchig eye of my GP and my psych has told me what to do and I have a copy of the complex plan as well as my gp too
and at this moment im down to nothing for a week before I start the new meds. My tummy troubles were happening before I started going off them and at one point we were thinking cysts on ovaires, gall stones, a kidney infection, a stomach virus that eats away at your insides or appendicitis.

And yeah I was warned that since I was in such a very high dose- not even thats working for me- so I have to change- that I could very well get a lot of withdrawal symptoms thats why I ahd to do it very slowly but I havent felt different since stopping them so shows that they werent having much effect anyway

and thank you- at first I didnt think it was a good mark until I found out that It was 2 med students iw as up against and I placed higher than one of them and I was also told that msot nurses dont score that high either so I guess its pretty good

and thank you for those hugs CB at the moment I dont know what to do, nor do I know who I am and feel so alone even though I know my loveley forum family is here

In response to: who am i- may trigger

CheerBearSenior Contributor28 May 2017, 6:47 pm AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Super quick reply @outlander - I've got little people wanting to play a game.

As people who care about and for other people, it's so hard to put ourselves first sometimes. That's so much part of the problem though - we're so busy thinking of everyone else that we can't fit in time out for us. I can understand your fear of the repercussions of taking some time out. As you know, I am the sole carer of a handful of very dependent-on-me small people. Sole. There is no-one near us at all. We haven't got a neighbour, a friend in the area, a family member anywhere close. We have very few people we even know we exist anymore and no-one is nearby. The idea of me taking a break was terrifying and I knew it would be incredibly disruptive and difficult. Guess what? It was. But everyone survived and is ok now. While I can't say with any certainty that it will be ok for you too, and it would be very wrong of me to suggest that just because it was ok for me it will be ok for you (so that's not what this is at all), what I was reminded of by some super helpful and wise people was this - if a break is disruptive and too hard for your people, almost certainly a lifetime would be worse. In a way I don't like the idea of saying that, because I genuinely believe that there has to be more to living than living for other people. There is more to life than life for others. But if caring for other people is something you want to do, or that you value doing, it's ok to step back to care for yourself too.

For what it's worth, I think you'll have your reasons for living that are beyond the role you play for others. Somewhere it's there, it's just a matter of finding it. You gotta be here to find it though yeah?

Sending you more hugs.

Wish me luck as I dive into this game 😯:face_with_rolling_eyes:😉

In response to: who am i- may trigger

outlanderSenior Contributor29 May 2017, 8:09 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

Hope you had a good game last night @CheerBear
Sorry i wasnt in a good headspace to reply properly last night.

Thank you for your loveley reply and sharing that bit about your story and yes i know about your situation. Hugs and kudos to you for being so strong 💕 i wish i was like that.
And yeah i guess i have to be around to find something to stick around for besides caring which im.not doing the best job of it

In response to: who am i- may trigger

CheerBearSenior Contributor29 May 2017, 8:17 am AEST

Re: who am i- may trigger

I was just thinking of you @outlander. I went back to the nest to re-read your reply and it's gone.

I hope today is good for you. What have you got on today?

You are strong Outlander. Strong comes in lots of different forms. Strong is in keeping on when everything inside is screaming to give up. It's also in reaching out for understanding and support. You do strong well.

You don't have to say sorry for not replying at all. Something I started to take control of and found super empowering was in reducing how sorry I was for everything. I started to pause before I said sorry (because I said sorry a gajillion times a day) and ask whether I really had anything to be sorry for. I foud that really, there was little reason to be sorry as often as I thought. One little shift like this had big flow on effects. Maybe you could start this too? You can practice with me and others here if you'd like 🙂

Hugs for you my friend

💛

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