Safety

i am still really struggling i am not sure what to do i saw my psychologst but i didnt get to talking about the SH stuff. i told him most of the other stuff though and he said i need to do "reality checking" kind of stuff he gave me some worksheets to do and then said if they didnt work to do distress tolerence stuff but that has not been working for me at all i dont know what to do i am tired too but i cant sleep i feel like i am going to cry. i am still really really paranoid and ugh everything is a mess. i cant deal with this.

Hi @Eden1919 - just step back from it all for a moment and try to breathe buddy. You were rteally scared about this appointment but you got through it - there is that strength and courage Eden. Take a little time to feel what you are feeling at the moment - cry, laugh, sleep, hug Dog and Bunny. Put the worksheets and info from your psychologist aside for now and revisit it later. I will help you tonight if you like - I know the nights get really difficult for you and I am very well aware of how distressing these times can be as I too have very big fears around the night.

You got this Eden - strength, courage, belief...

Zoe

i will try i just feel really awful right now it is hard to explain. i feel like i am sinking and being swallowed by the waves. deeper and deeper down into the parts of the ocean where the light doesnt reach. completely dark and cold so very cold no one can hear you down here if you are screaming for more air but further i shall sink until i reach the bottom.

I think you have explained it very well @Eden1919 I know that place - it is not a nice place to be but the solitude is also somehow comforting too. Go with how you are feeling today but keep yourself safe at the same time. It is ok to jump into that ocean but take a scuba tank with you to help you breathe Then you can come back up when you feel like seeing the light and returning to the shore.

Zoe

I am currently listening to music but i came to another realisation today and it was not a good one nor do i feel able to share it on here. but it is making me even more scared and at the same time determined in a way but i cant explain that either. i think i need to stop my meds only problem is i promised my treatment team i would tell them if i felt that way but they will try to stop me if i tell them but i always keep my promises always i have never not kept one but maybe this is more like a white lie kind of thing.i dont know what to do. i think i can fix all this i think it makes sense in my head anyway i need never mind i dont feel good at all and there is too much in my head i cant i just i need to be free and i cant be free here (i dont mean the forums btw) and they will never stop so it makes sense it all makes sense now.

@Eden1919 Your last post has me concerned. It is a little different from your usual posts - not much but enough for me to feel that you are not safe at the moment - can you check in please to let me know how you are...

Zoe

@Former-Member

@Zoe7 i am ok nothing is going to happen today. i just have a lot going on in my head but as i said i cant really explain it i am trying but it is all very complicated and even though i am sure you are very smart i simply dont know where i would begin maybe it is because i feel different i feel very strange and like i have a lot to do maybe it is because i havent been sleeping i am not sure but i do think that there is a lot going on.

Hi @Eden1919 and @Zoe7,

@Eden1919 it sounds like you are feeling a range of things today. I have sent you an email to check-in with you

Thanks for mentioning us @Zoe7

Is it maybe this time that you have been able to discuss some of what has been happening for you with your psychologist and that has take a little weight off your shoulders today? @Eden1919 I often feel that after this 'weight' has been lifted slightly that I then have the residual effects of the fear and anxiety and that can sometimes be a really difficult feeling to describe.

Hi @Former-Member Thanks for jumping in so quickly

Usually I am not concerned when @Eden1919 is sharing but having had many conversations and interactions with her over several weeks her post did sound 'different' than they usually do. The tiny little things that we pick up when we have gotten 'close' to someone often won't be seen by anyone else.

@Eden1919 I am sorry if I jumped in with a moderator too quickly tonight but it is good that you are safe - that has certainly alleviated my concern for you.

I hope that doesn't cause you to not trust me - I really did feel for the first time that you may not be safe - often when I am contemplating S I become really calm and focussed - I suppose I could see a little of me in your post - it is often subtle but there... and those that know me well can see it in the way I interact with them ...