Burnt Out

Meerkats???

I somehow managed to get to work this morning, even though my face was so puffy from crying all night and my head felt ready to explode.

I managed to speak to my boss and if we actually have staff (we are so short-staffed it's not even funny) I can have Wed-Fri off. I also gave her a heads up that while I'll try to last until then (or the end of the week) I may not be able to. I think she suddenly clicked when I said I'd prolly take it as sick leave (too late to put in a leave form) and when she saw my face leaking tears. Coz I love crying for no reason at all...

Ahhhh... meerkats... I do like baby meerkats. 🙂
I have next week booked off already, I'm supposed to be heading off to Mount Gambier to help and present at a cattle handlers camp for school kids. Not too sure atm if I'll be able to manage that...

I hate feeling and being like this though. And it's been months since I've crashed like this for no reason. Every time I start to think I'm getting a grip on this it falls apart again. I've actually spent the last few weeks thinking of trying to cut back or stop taking my antidepressants. And I had a really good day on Sunday, got into the shower when I got home and "BAM" waterworks and misery and all the fun crap. Questioning myself as to why I bother, why am I still here etc.

First of all... well done for being honest with the boss and taking control and asking for what you need right now! I think that your self awareness of how busy you are with work and your outside of work work. Glad that you have the farm work to enjoy. Nothing wrong with a good cry (or so my psychologist keeps telling me... it will clear out stuff and refresh...) You bother because you are you 😄 Already from what ive read of your posts you seem to be a conscientious, helpful and motivated person. Things will get better again as they have before, just got to hold on and ride out this storm. Walking with you if you like,

LJ

Thanks Sandy, LJ and Anne,

I'm feeling a bit better today thankfully. I checked in with my boss today, and got everything sorted so I have the rest of this week off, as well as next week. I feel a bit bad, and a little worried about how everything will be when I get back, but at the same time I feel like a huge weight is (slowly) lifting. I hope this will give me time time to get back out of this hole and finish sorting out everything for a campout we're having as part of the cattle youth group (aka SALY)

I was/am worried that I'll crash again this weekend. And the idea of that happening out there is scary. But having the rest of the week off will help I think.

I think the other problem with yesterday was that I was feeling so fragile, and in the morning I messaged a friend I work with (who has Bipolar and other heath problems so understands) and I felt like she complletely invalidated me so I snapped at her. Then I found out that she'd called up sick, so I felt like that was my fault. When I messaged her again later in the day to partly apologise (I was sorry for snapping, but I feel like when I say something she dissmisses it because she has it worse) only to have her outright say that she sturggles so much and when I snapped at her that sent her a downward spiral. So then (and I still do now) feel like a complete A**hole.

I'm terrified I've lost her as a friend. I have such a hard time meeting people and having friends, so the idea of losing one of very few people is really upsetting. But at the same time frustrating, as I don't feel like I'm in the wrong. Or even that she's in the wrong. We clashed, we should get over it and be fine. Hopefully?

Golly golly. Sorry for the long post...

Hopefully I get some sleep tonight, and I will hope for the calm to sort out the SALY stuff and clean my house. and when I am in a better frame of mind see if I can sort things out with my friend.

And I will make time regardless at some point tomorrw to spend and hour colouring or something simple. Just for me.

Hi Guys,

Just a quick update (not entirely related to this thread but oh well)

We (SALY crew, so me and 8 others) camped out at the farm over the weekend. That was good fun. Very wet and cold, but good times doing what I love. Learning, teaching and cattle. 😛 That sort of thing is an enormous achievement for me, as we've got a few new members, and new people = terrified CBL. And being away from home and something new = terrified CBL. All in all, after the week I'd had, all I wanted to do was stay at home curled up in a ball with my fuzzy blanket where everything is safe. But I made myself do it, and I'm glad I did. I had a good time, and it's nice to get out and challenge my negative way of thinking (I'm useless and no one wants me here).

I had a physio appointment this morning. That is a massive achievement for me, new surrounding/people/experience, and I hate and I'm terrified of people touching me. But I did it, and I've booked a few more sessions in advance, and while it was scary and uncomfortable, the thought of my back not being sore all the time seems like it can actually be possible!!

I spoke to my friend last week, sent her a silly picture of hamster butts (seriously, google them, they are the cutest!) and sort of explained why I wasn't at work. So we're sort of talking. Which is a start. We planned ages ago to go to the zoo this Wednesday. Not too sure if that is still happening, but I think it'd be cool if we did. I'll try and get up the courage to ask her later.

Thank you guys so much for listening to me and offering advice. You guys rock!

p.s @PeppiPatty , what do you mean about timetables??