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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Hey @Phoenix_Rising - I was just writing a post and saying hi to you and the other nesters when I saw your email come up. I did wonder what you were up to today. I hoped that you were busy being calmly productive with a wide open window, but then noticed a post on the wave and don't think that was maybe the case now. I hope you can find that balance here. I think it will be a work in progress one for me 😛 I am up to chapter 12 "The Unbearable Heaviness of Remembering". I have found the last couple of chapters very hard, so I am being really careful and making sure I do nice things in between. Have you started reading it again? I haven't said how old my fish are, which is probably why you don't remember 😉 I wish I could say a little tiny bit more about us than I do, but I am scared, which I am sure you understand. They're all little school age though. I have a feeling they would love you, and I think you'd really like them too. I have them ask sometimes how anyone 'let' me be a mum because in lots of ways I didn't really grow up either, and don't really ever plan to 😄 I used to be the same before I had them, in terms of really just hyping kids up, laughing a lot and then enjoying returning them.
@Former-Member - In my post I was going to ask about your DBT too, and say that I hope it was a positive experience. @Phoenix_Rising - Have you ever 'done' DBT? It's mostly as group work yeah? I am curious about it if either of you feel up to sharing at some stage.
@mudsum - Hope today was a good day for you 🙂
Hi other nesters and nest passerby-ers
My mouth is super sore today and I think something has gone wrong because the side of my cheek and jaw is swollen bigger rather than less now 😞 It's put a real dampener on my mood today and I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow. It's an emergency appointment, which means there's no appointment at all, and I could spend most of the day waiting to be seen. I'm now hoping I will be able to sleep tonight and that I can keep the pain in check with the little amount of pain medication I can take while I am here as the only grown up around. My case manager had to cancel our appointment and while it's rebooked for early next week, I am frustrated. I want this house mess sorted out. I also had to cancel my mh worker tomorrow for the dentist, so more frustration there too. I hate it when life gets in the way of me trying to sort out life 😕
I think I am going to go to and lie in bed watching a movie on my laptop. I need something to distract me from my mouth tonight. Not sure what I will watch though because I am pretty picky with tv/movies. I also really feel like I need something on my jaw/cheek but the idea of an ice pack in this freezing cold just doesn't sit well. Clearly I am frustrated and not sure of what will help all around tonight 😛 Grrrr and blegh.
Hope tonight is good for you all.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
mudsumSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
love to you all, @CheerBear and @Phoenix_Rising@Former-Member
in my blankeys
hope my copy of TBKTS is delivered soon !!!!!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
NikNikSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Wow there's a few of you reading TBKTS @mudsum Maybe you should create a 'Book Club' I'm keen to read it again, so I would happily join!
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I'd love to be part of a Book Club here @NikNik. I think there are a couple of book themed threads around - I might have even started one but from memory it didn't really go anywhere. Maybe if we have it as more of a book club kind of thing though, with a particular book each fortnight/month, it might be fun and get some conversations going. We could kick it off with The Body Keeps the Score seeing as there are a few of us reading it at the moment.
@phoenx_rising and @mudsum - what do you think?
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear and everyone. 💟💕 May I join your nest again? I've been feeling very alone this week. Just tried to have a nap, but kept having panic attacks, so I'll give up on that. Will get moving and do washing etc. Cuppa first though. ☕
I had the same thing happen when I had my tooth removed CheerBear. So incredibly painful. I ended up on anti biotics. I hope you're ok. Bug hugs to you. 🐛🐌🐉🐲🐞🐝❤
The Body Keeps the Score book sounds interesting. I think I'll look into getting it.
Anyway, I hope your mouth/tooth settles soon.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I would LOVE for you to join us in the nest @Former-Member, whenever you feel like coming past.
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling alone 😞 You're not alone here and lots of us think of you often.
Panic attacks suck. Teeth suck too, though mine is a little better today (hopefully because I'm not moving off the lounge today).
Want a laugh? Guess what I just did? Locked myself out of our house. It's covered in security screens and big tough locks. No match for a sneaky cheerbear with a handy Philips-head though 😅💪 It either says a lot about how much practice I've had breaking in to places my banana brain has locked me out of, or about how much the house may look secure but isn't actually. I'm going for the first option in that sentence, because the latter sounds like the stuff of past nightmares.
Bug hugs back Bella 🐛🐝😙
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Lol. @CheerBear I'm glad you got back in. Just making a super strong expresso, to help me get moving Put another log in fire. House gets freezing, warmer outside, but I'm hiding. 😮😂 Family reunion this weekend. Eek! Causes triggers just knowing. I can't/won't go. Way too triggering. Used to force myself to go, not anymore. It sucks because my daughter won't go without me, so she misses out, but they're all stuck up fake sh## heads anyway. 😂😂 I try not to let it bother me that she has no family, but, who am I kidding? It still bothers me. "GET OVER IT". 😮😣😨😂
Good to hear you're resting on the couch. "Snuggle Buggle" 😀 Cuppa for you. ☕
My last one for the day.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Having my last cup of coffee for the day now too @Former-Member☕
I love the way you said what you did about your family gathering - you sound strong. It sucks that you both miss out but I think you know that there's probably not a whole lot of anything positive that you and your daughter are actually missing out, and really it seems as if it's your family who are missing out on you both.
I'm a bit jealous of your fire! We only have the wall heater. The one that has caused me huge issues this week. I think I would love a fire, though the upfront cost of wood and the whole lighting it thing makes me appreciate that I can turn a switch and feel warm (when the heater doesn't blow half the power in the house out 😒)
Hope the rest of your afternoon is good and that cuppa hit the spot 😊
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Turning on a heater sounds much easier, @CheerBear😂 But, yes, there is something really snuggly about a fire. Is your heater working ok now?
I'm amazed that just hearing about my family can cause me to be in turmoil for days. I wish I knew how to "get over it". I do all I know to do, but it still really triggers. If only I had an answer. Moving, but having complex PTSD makes that seem impossible at the moment.
I'll keep searching for an answer to feeling well.
Are the anti inflammatories working ok?
🌷🌼🌺🌹🌸🌻
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
The heater is being looked at on Tuesday @Former-Member so hopefully I'll know whether it's really ok to use then. The anti-inflammatories are doing a good job dulling pain. I'm semi-regretting not going in this afternoon and trying really hard to convince myself that this is normal gross healing stuff. Something is niggling away inside me saying I probably should have had it seen to today, but I have options for people to help with the LF if I end up needing to go to the big public dental place over the weekend.
PTSD definitely does some pretty funky things. If you do get around to having a read of that book it may be helpful in giving you some extra understanding of how trauma can mess with our brains. I too am still trying to work out how to actually fix it all, but I guess a good start is in better understanding what's happening. Here I think it's good to be around people who are also searching for answers as to what will work for us all. We're kind of muddling our way through our stuff together here.
I finished the last of orange for my whole blanket 😆 I have found the orange rows all so annoying so this is exciting! Off to see if I can make a big start on round 106 - super super exciting now!
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