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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey there @Phoenix_Rising.

I'm so so soooooo sore 😞 Like lie down crying and take as many painkillers as allowed kind of sore. But I will get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself soon enough and in the long run it's better this way. It was a tooth that has cost far too many dollars and way too many dentist's visits over too long a time, so it was sad to see (and hear and feel) it being pulled out though. I have a special someone helping me tonight so I can take meds and still have the LF be ok. It's actually very nice to have the company too which is something different (different to have this company and different in that I'm finding company nice).

I feel really sad and really frustrated for you that you experienced being in such a muddle at all, let alone in your psychologists office. I want to say though, that I can understand why it is just not right or not right right now, to leave your relationship with A. Especially when you do have moments with A that are helpful. I am very sad that you don't have a super helpful helping person in your corner. When I hesr about your experiences, and other's here who struggle to find someone helpful, and I think of the massively long list of people I too have encountered who are not at all helpful, I feel so thankful to have my counsellor. She is a gem and I wish so much I could share her with you. I've spoken with her about you and about forum land, mentioning how helpful this place and people are in it, and how connected I have felt with others here. She's met TT too (though met not in a face-to-face way). I have only nine sessions of funding left with her and then it will be goodbye. I have a feeling I will be very very sad to say goodbye, and that this will be another thing you will be able to understand.

I didn't get to yoga, thanks mostly because of the mega wave and the need to do little more than survive it. I'm nervous too, a lot, but hopeful it will help.

I have made my way through the ouchy attachment section of TBKTS. I'm slowly slowly making my way the section on traumatic memory now. It's fascinating, validating and making lots of sense. This section is a big ouchy one too as I am hit with huge self-doubt and big pangs of fear, mostly due to thinking about whether this memory of mine is reliable and just how much work might be needed for me to be able to reorganise the messy puddle that exists in my brain. I'm glad that the Paths To Recovery section of this book is so large! One day, when you're able to concentrate better, I'm 100% sure we'll be able to find something we can read not-together, that might interest us both.

I hope you're able to sleep better tonight and am very glad you have someone helpful (your GP) who you can turn to in the non-virtual world too.

Thinking about you (about a bazillionty times a day)

🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising

felt like i was missing something so i googled "The burrito of sadness" so good some perfectly formed images that i need to use more often. the pictures say it all.

Thinking of you both tonight. Its raining where i am. i can hear the wind roaring outside and the rain pounding down. sometimes this helps me sleep sometiems it keeps me up all night.

xx your cheer squad

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear, @mudsum and all other nest dwellers. I am just doing a quick fly-over and then I plan to stay off the forum for the day. This is because I have woken up from my insanely long medication-induced sleep feeling super good and thus I need to get stuff done before the next inevitable crash.

@CheerBear I hope you wake up feeling less sore than you were last night. I am super glad you have someone who could come and look after the LF while you were so sore and full of pain medication.

I need to go and be productive now because I know from experience that these little windows of calmness never last very long.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm doing a quick fly past too while I'm super busy just to say that it's super great to hear you are feeling super good this morning and I hope you have a very productive day @Phoenix_Rising.

Will be back to say a proper hello to forum people later but hope everyone has a good morning 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Quick question. looking at buying the book the body keeps score but there seems to be two versions? does anyone know?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I have the one that is titled 'The Body Keeps The Score - Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma' @mudsum

And yay for another this-kind-of-book reader 😁

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @mudsum, I just came by to tell @CheerBear I finally got to the library and borrowed "The body keeps the score." I don't know about there being two versions - it may just be a hardcover and softcover version or something like that??? The book I got from the library is a hardcover book published in 2014. The author is Bessel Van Der Kolk.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - how are you? I haven't seen you around much the last couple of days. I haven't really been looking too far around though but wanted to check in and see. Totally ok if you're not up to replying or just don't want to, but am thinking of you 💗

@Phoenix_Rising - hope you've had a good day and that the window of calmness stays/ed open for a decent time!

Today has been a good day for me. Very productive and helpful session with my counsellor. I'm meeting with my case manager tomorrow to sort out this mega housing issue, or at least try to start sorting it out. Bath, blanket and early bed for me tonight hopefully.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Mine is 2014 too and yay @Phoenix_Rising 😄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

thanks for your help guys. i love books like this at the moments reading through a book called ."The courage to heal." its triggers me sometimes but really good to find what the triggers are for me and work through it.
thankys
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