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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Nope its just gotten alot busier and also through the week again @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've just spent an hour in a dental chair having a dentist struggle to extract my tooth until they ended up calling a mega big strong man one in to do it. I sat feeling paralysed and trapped with one holding my jaw and him with his hands on and all over my face trying to get it, tears pouring down my cheeks. I wouldn't be surprised if I have bruises later on.

I feel awful again 😞

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

going to my nest today, i can feel the wave of a downer coming at me.

My nest on my bed. Surrounded by my cuddly toys tissues and lots of pillows thanks for the ideas friends.

Booking myself some time to cry and cry and cry before i get back to realtiy and pick up children who can not know that i'm dissolving,

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

yuck for the dentist appoitnment yucky!!! and ouch

sorry to hear that

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @mudsum, I'm sorry to hear you've bit hit by a wave of a downer. What are your favourite toys?

I understand feeling the need to keep your children away from dissolving. I feel like I'm a totally different person before 9 and after 3 M-F. I think some of my helping people have realised this too, as one said I'm to another that 'CheerBear is totally different around the kids' and I have noticed this person will often call to tell me tricky things now after 3 as I guess they know I'm less likely to lose the plot if they're around. I call it putting on my 3 o'clock hat, and it can feel very hard to do sometimes.

Hope you are able to take it easy on your nest today Mudsum

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

hugs @mudsum hoep the rest of your days ok and you dont hit a downer

@CheerBear aww you poor thing. that sounds really horrible! i hope you dont end up with bruises make sure you have lots of pain relief on hand for when the anaesthetic wears off! god if you could feel that through the numbing stuff wow

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @outlander. I definitely have bruising and pinch marks on my cheeks and neck 😞

Hope your day is going ok.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

omg @CheerBear your poor thing! you went to get better not make it worse

you mustve been scared i sure as hell wouldve been my gosh!

im sorry that happened to you today- i hope that when everything heals it will be better though

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How are you feeling now @CheerBear? It sounds like you have had a super challenging day. Giggle - for some reason, just as I wrote that, the thought crossed my mind that that is the sort of point where annoyingly clueless people sometimes say things like "oh well, what doesn't k*ll us makes us stronger." That is one of those phrases that SUPER annoys me...so you can be sure I'll never say it.

I hope you and the LF are having a peaceful evening. I think I am going to be asleep even before your littlest LF tonight. I saw my GP today and we talked about how it is safe to take the emergency-make-yourself-sleep medication AND the more long term help-you-sleep medication, so I'm going to do that soon. I was going to do it now, but I figure it is healthier to wait until a reasonable sleeping time, because otherwise I will probably be awake at an unhelpful hour.

My GP and I talked out the (A) muddle yet again, and she is going to email (A) - yet again. We talked about how impossible the idea of starting over is, but also the less-than-ideal situation of me getting so distressed in session that I have done significant damage to my own face. I SUPER hate that behaviour. I haven't done it for a really long time - since leaving my abusive psychologist. It isn't bad enough that it will leave any permanent evidence, but it is extremely obvious at the moment. I hate that I could get that dysregulated...in my psychologist's office...in response to super badly not being heard.

How are you going with "The body keeps the score" @CheerBear? I can see I'm probably not going to get into a headspace to concentrate for quite a while...so you will just have to tell me what you are learning.

Oh by the way, did you get to the yoga class yet? I want to hear allllllllllll about it after you go. I am still psyching myself up to go to a class (just a regular one, not a trauma-informed one). I really am stuck on the what-to-wear bit. I am going to hunt around for loose fitting yoga pants. At least now I know that people wear underpants under their yoga pants. I think I will have more questions for you and @Former-Member and other yogis before I finally make it to my first class. I really am super keen though.

I guess you are probably only just getting home with the LF. It feels super late but it's only 6pm here. I think my body is all in a muddle. Hopefully a solid night's sleep will reset it again.

Ok, well if I don't "see" you tonight, know that I have read of your day's adventures and I am here even when I am also in the land of nod.

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