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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Haha @Phoenix_Rising🙂 I think I sit somewhere in the middle of needing hugs and needing not hugs here in the virtual ocean, so it suits me really well to have both. I just wrote this whole big thing about touch then realised I headed straight back into trauma land and would have possibly dragged others there too, so I deleted it. But I can empathise with how touch can be so significant.
I'm off to spend the last little non-fish time I have crocheting. I've been dealing with the real estate since my last post. Apparently I broke the heater when I cleaned it because I used too much water. Funny that. I didn't clean the heater beyond dusting the tiny bit I can get to. I wouldn't ever use water on an electrical appliance either. And I'm thinking that to actually break a heater, even if I was bonkers enough to use water on it, I would have had to pour a whole flipping bucket IN THE SILLY THING!!! But of course, it's my fault and not the fact that the heater is 22 years old and probably has never been serviced.
With all this fear, threat, blaming, aggression and our safety and security resting in the hands of a powerful man, I may as well be back in that relationship. At least I knew what lurked behind those dark corners then. Until the time I didn't see it coming and life went ka-boom I suppose. I'm saying hi to my messy head back in trauma land brain again here. Blegh. It will pass.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear They seriously thought you had cleaned the heater with water??? I am super mad at all the people that have made your scared feelings big - especially if they are specifically involved in renting out places to people who have had to get away from other scary people. I hate how totally trauma-UNinformed people who deal with traumatized people are. I super want you to feel safe. You and the LF deserve to feel safe!
In response to: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@mudsum wrote:
@CheerBear - i love the idea of a nest. love love love. wondering if it would be ok if i utilise your idea at my place!!!!
I have just spent way too much of my time reading alot of the 75 pages of this discussion topic and i was laughing and crying. it felt like i was doing all these days with you guys. Laughing, busting to go the toilet, rainbows and unicorn poop. oh was there no unicorn pooh haha it was beatufil just what i needed.
sharing with people who know the depths of my own struggle yet can laugh and enjoy each others nest and carepackage delieveries. thankyou community!!!
@Former-Member@Phoenix_Rising
i'm so bad at stuffing my face with sugar at the wrong times and busting toilet and waiting in the car for hours after appoitnments.
ive gotten sooo many good settling techniques, and ideas thanks for filling my tool box.
xx
@mudsum I am so superly duperly excited to see you here. Are you really a sea turtle like in your picture? I am a sea turtle!!!!!!!!
I kind-of like the idea that you have gained benefit from reading through @CheerBear's nest thread. I sometimes forget how public the forum is. I feel like I'm having a conversation with a few others and I forget that the whole world can read it all. It is pretty amazing to think that we never really know who is out there benefiting from things that are shared. I dream of changing the world and even though I know that isn't realistic, I do believe I can make a tiny difference in the world of some people. Thus it seems kind-of cool to think we may make more difference to more people than we will ever know.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Today has royally sucked. It has definitely not been a good day at all. By this evening my resting heart rate averaged at higher than 110bpm. I took it because I had a nagging pain in my chest and I started to feel my heart thumping away. I have a terrible headache and my body is aching all over it. I have little doubt that it's the physical effects of the mega hit of not-so-nice chemicals that seemed to launch a full attack on me following the panic hit this morning.
This is the constant I was living with before the break place stay, and while it caused me a lot of yuck feelings, it didn't seem to have this much of a substantial impact. Unless I have a very short memory, or I just feel like it is worse because I have been enjoying a few weeks of rest from it. It really doesn't matter what is happening I guess, the point is that it happened and I am feeling rubbish tonight.
At the time that I did the "wellness plan" or relapse prevention plan, I knew it was a pretty cool document to have. I didn't realise how incredibly helpful it would be to be physically holding it in my hand. It starts with "Triggers", then "Early Warning Signs" and then "Strategies". I plan to expand on this plan just a little, now I know how and when I can use it and I took it for a test drive today. I used it all day and into the evening, especially the "Early Warning Signs" section, as I made sure I did the opposite things to the warning signs where I could. Like eating, not drinking silly amounts of caffeine and answering my phone when my one friend I now have left, called. I spoke to her for a while, then when she asked me how I really was (which is when I would usually shut the conversation right down if I even answered in the first place) I sobbed and then cried a lot and then poured my aching heart out to her. It helped.
Another really helpful thing today was being able to call my mh worker, and I am so SO glad we were able to work through the whole "I walked into a trap when you told me I was safe to talk about suicidal thoughts with you and then you called the catts on me 'for my safety' even though we both know it was for you and your organisation's safety" thing. She was super helpful today and I have hope that she can be helpful through this next major hurdle. Which is the horrible housing thing.
Tomorrow the owner is coming over without a plumber or anyone to fix the heater. I am thinking it is therefore probably to have a go at me because apparently I have poured water into it. I guess they think I get some kick out of breaking things, then freaking out that they're broken, then causing a mess for people to deal with, then being bashed about by trauma-UNinformed services, then being terrified that angry people are going to hurt me or take our house, then being totally flattened after feeling like the world is ending. That sounds like a totally reasonable and plausible thing for someone to do yeah? I won't be there as someone is coming to be there for me, because I just can't and especially not after today. Maybe that's avoidance, but to me it seems a lot like self-protection and self-preservation. I have a meeting with my housing worker/case manager person next week as I said that I absolutely can not live in a situation that feels far too much like the one behind the mega mess. I know that this housing thing was very much a part of the huge crash I had pre-break place, and I can't afford to get to that place again and neither can my LF. We have had these conversations a number of times, and like almost everything with this particular service, it amounts to nothing. This service does a spectatcular job at getting people in and out of the place you stay when you can't stay anywhere else. But beyond that, what they do is entirely lip-service. I like this person. I do not like where they work and they are definitely a part of many of the very difficult added layers of trauma that has been dragging on for months and months. I also have no choice about being their client if I want to have a house either, so I am in a very ugly pickle here. This is where I am hoping my mh worker will step up, as I really need someone to advocate for me because my voice really just seems to get me labelled difficult or aggressive or dramatic, and I find myself in huge trouble. I am tired of fighting this and tired of being silenced. I need to hand this fight to someone else, because my big team of helping services and people, is failing me.
Well that was a rant and thank you to anyone who has read it. It helps so much to have this nest and the people who come past and hang out with me in it. I do very much appreciate it.
Holding out for that thing called tomorrow again, which will hopefully see me wake feeling at least slightly less messy than today.
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hugs @CheerBear i hope tomorrow is a better day for you ❣❣
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning nest hanging outers.
Big struggle with sleep last night but I got there eventually and woke up feeling a little better. I'm sleeping cuddled up in my pink blanket every night and it's the most comforting, fluffy, soft, warm thing I have. When I wake up feeling it against my face and around my body, it's a good start to the day. I also washed and dried my sheets late last night, which really didn't need washing yet but I thought it would be extra nice to wake up smelling fresh linen, and it was.
I'm off to the dentist this morning which would usually be something that scares me but today I am looking forward to it because I'm hoping I'll walk out with a tooth that is no longer hurting and broken. Then I'll do a magic disappearing act while the owner is here. I do hide and disappear well thanks to lots of practice at it recently.
I'm doing this the only way I can - little tiny bit by little tiny bit. I'll get there, just gotta hang in there until I do.
Hope today is a good (or at least a little better) one for everyone.
In response to: I'm in a nest
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear morning to you I'm good today sorry to hear about the heater saga you're probably taking LF to school now wanted you to know I read your posts but don't respond all the time thinking of you
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hang in there @CheerBear Thinking of you
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning @CheerBear,
I was thinking about you last night when I was wide awake after only about three hours sleep. Actually, given the time difference and how early I went to bed, I was probably awake again before you had even gone to bed. Happily for me, even though the make-me-sleep medication didn't keep me from waking up, it did mean that I simply woke up and felt wide awake, without the panic, sweating, racing heart.
I super hate that you are feeling all the physiological effects of trauma UNinformed people causing you so much angst. I am super glad that you have your MH worker and I super hope she can advocate for you. I'm really glad you don't have to be there at the house today. I hope I get to come along with you in your pocket while we disappear from the house for a while.
When you mentioned how you were wrapped in your pink fluffy blanket, it reminded me of that picture you posted - the burrito of sadness. I am definitely going to always think of myself as a burrito now when I am snuggled under my blanket.
I am super glad that our oceans collided @CheerBear. You will get through today, as I will get through today. We've got this.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thanks @Phoenix_Rising for getting it 🙂
I woke up at silly o'clock last night too, and went to pick up my phone to see if anyone was around but I thought it was better to try to avoid bright lights and waking myself up even more. I noticed this morning that you had liked one of my posts around that time that I too was awake and thought that, although it is not so great to have disrupted tricky sleep, I know there are heaps of people here and out there who are probably up feeling similar stuff and doing similar things to get through.
I showed the burrito picture to a couple of people who asked about the blanket thing at the break place (because I was in it almost constantly). I needed no words, just that picture, and most understood after seeing it 🙂 I have had it saved for ages, along with that nest picture that you posted, which has also been a favourite for a while now too.
It's nice to see you here this morning. We will get through this. I believe it too.
Hi to @Pepsimax and thank you for coming past as well. I appreciate you reading my posts and understand that it can be hard to reply to posts sometimes and sometimes we maybe don't want to reply as well. I'm thinking of you often too, and also read your posts, even when I don't reply. Hope your day is good Pepsimax.
Hey there @outlander too 👋 I read that your day should be a little less busy today than yesterday. I hope that means you get ome time out
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