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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm so sorry that has happened @CheerBear. I'm not much help today but sitting in your nest with you hoping that the wave passes soon but feeling angry for you that this is a wave you should never have to ride.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Former-Member for sitting in the nest with me and for knowing that this is a wave that I should never have had to ride. Hearing those things helps.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You know what @CheerBear. Most of the waves you ride you should never have had to ride 😔. This is just maddening that some ****** has no grip and is just being an arse! I'm hoping the agent takes it up and tell him his landlord rights keeping you out of the drama that is not yours. Please remind yourself this hasn't anything to do with you, it has everything to do some grotty excuse of a human being not being able to fulfill their commitments as a landlord. My rant for you over. I hope it doesn't make you feel worse. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So so so sorry @CheerBear. Waaaaay to emotional and not very helpful. I hope you get through this storm soon. 💜🤗💐

PS no response required as it's an apology. 😘

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Former-Member - remember when we decided that apologies to each other weren't necessary? 😛 I'm super emotional too, so I'm totally appreciative that someone emotional is sitting with me (honestly I am!).

I wrote a massive rant (not directed at you or in response to your rant) and might post it or maybe not. It was helpful to get it out though. This whole thing is just super massively epically sucky.

You know what? I just had a smile reading that last post of yours. I have a vision of us sitting together in a real nest. Both with big ugly snotty tears and lots of tissues. Not really being able to fix any of each other's stuff but being messy and emotional and real, and that helping in a way.

I'm so frustrated right now and feeling so crashed and banged about. This is absolutely text book ptsd I think. Trigger. Flashbacks. Re-experiencing. Arousal. Hypervigilance. I can see that and I could see it all unfolding but seeing it wasn't enough to stop it. I stopped at 'avoidance' though, when I decided to tell the housing worker about the heater. I also stopped after the cycle that followed the trigger when I didn't pack up my bags and run. Right now I am choosing to break this cycle further by stopping at 'numbing' because that's my next usual go-to. And instead of numbing, I am allowing myself to be emotional and to feel all the feels.

So it helps to have emotional in the nest right now. I hope it doesn't hurt you or make it worse for you though 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @CheerBear 😊

You caught me in a complete self hate, self loathing, self destructing cycle. I think your post reminded me that I was in the middle of my storm too which is very different but none the less unhelpful and very destructive. Emotions were very heightened.

Awesome job to avoid old coping strategies 😊👍🤜. I think I was heading to my unhealthy coping strategies when I read your post. I think you just helped me to stop mine in my tracks too. You know you're so on the right track. You've got this! It sucks but your kicking its butt a little more each time.

loads of hugs and appreciation for how well you're doing in really tricky situations. Please forgive my English, running on emotion mind completely......and oh English isn't my strong point either :face_with_rolling_eyes:

💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Awesome job to you too on stopping your cycle in it's tracks @Former-Member.

I know we can't change or prevent external triggering events from happening, and I know that I find it very hard (as in impossible) to reduce the intensity of huge emotions when they happen. It's like a switch that gets turned on that I can not turn off. But maybe what I can do is what I try to teach the little fish, and that is to direct it on to a path that is more helpful for me than where I usually direct it (which is kind of inwards and round and round and round). I'm going to spend the next hour and a half crocheting. Not looking at how many stitches I've made on this blanket, or how (annoyingly) many stitches there are to go. But just looking at each little stitch as I make it, and trying to let myself just be.

I have made my last coffee for the day and put the coffee away in a cupboard, like they do at this time of the day at the break place, and like I've done every day since I left. This little change has helped me a lot so I plan to stick to this one. I have also made and eaten a bowl of creamy porridge sprinkled in brown sugar, because I need to remember that eating is another important way I am breaking this cycle (and because porridge is absolutely delicious!).

I also grabbed my relapse prevention plan that was made with my input, my mh worker's inout and my break place worker's input. My mh worker prompted me to get it and run through it while I was flipping out and it really did help me. I think I'm going to laminate it and stick it somewhere I can see it all the time.

Maybe with time it will get easier for us both to recognise these cycles and stop them in their tracks. That's my hope for us too. We've got this.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear my brain is so puddled right now I can't even read your posts properly. But I processed enough to know you are flooded with big scared feelings. We are both riding a wave AND both snuggled in a nest. Alone but together. Knowing we need to just ride it out. I super love having a not friend.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm sorry to hear your brain is puddled right now too. Thank you for being my not-friend @Phoenix_Rising and another person to sit with in the nest and ride out big waves with. I super love having you here but not.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am glad you and @Former-Member are both into all that hugging stuff so you can meet each other's need in that way. I will just sit a little further over to this side of the nest with Squishy and Mr Seahorse. 😊
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