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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

as for the drawing sorry that its a sore point but glad to be here.

would it be ok if i use your idea of the nest?
do you actually have a physical nest?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I find it so confronting to go back to old posts @CheerBear. I could only read a couple and that's on your thread. I find I get smacked down by shame fairly heavily. However I'm so glad it helped you a bit and you saw the positives.

You'll make an awesome social worker sooner than you know. Time seems to fleet by at the moment. I'm hoping to keep drawing from your positivity to return to study in July but we'll see how I go. I've managed not to be in crisis days for 4 days for the first time in at least 6 months so I guess there's hope. Keep being you because it's helping me to be me too. 💜🤗💐

PS @mudsum, @CheerBear I've edited this post as it felt like a huge overshare and in the end I didn't feel comfortable with it here. I hope you don't mind.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

wow thats huge @Former-Member !!!!! well done party wtih chocolate cake right now.
sounds like your putting lots of good practice in to staying safe

love love love it

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @mudsum. Thinking maybe a hot chocolate. 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@mudsum - no worries about the drawing comment - just wanted to explain rather than leave you think I might be ignoring you. I have to be a little careful about how much I talk about certain things (like real nests) but the very short answer is yes. Of course you can use the idea too 😊. I'd love to know what you create and come up with if you can and want to share.

@Former-Member - I'm so so happy for you that your last four days have been better! It's so good to not just hear that things can change but to feel it and experience it too. I will very much look forward to hearing about your return to study, but in the meantime i will sit here and celebrate that it's even a consideration for you right now! That in itself is a huge achievement 😃 Thank you for your kind words always Teej 😙. They have definitely had such a positive impact on me in lots of ways.

It's funny you mention the feeling of shame looking back on old posts (funny is so the wrong word here!). I remember reading a message from you that felt so reassuring after I had (what I probably called) a meltdown or flip out here. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but I do know your words stuck because I thought of them as I felt pangs of 'yikes' reading some of my posts. Rather than completely freak out and run away hiding from here for a while (like I probably would have done before), I tried to remember that it's actually ok because that's just what happened at the time. While your own self talk is maybe not so helpful for you when you're facing your old posts, your talk to me helped me when I faced mine. This reminds me of that whole 'speak to yourself the way you'd speak to a friend' thing I'm sure so many of us struggle with here!

Late night for me again but got the forum feels tonight which is nice!

Hope all nesters sleep well tonight 😴😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ps @Former-Member - edit away. But also totally share away if/when you're comfortable too. No judgment here 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I'm trying to find the place to be me here again. I have had lots of times on the forum being in full crisis and posting inappropriately and having arms and legs flailing everywhere in a screaming messy heap. It's mostly those posts I struggle with. They are slowly being buried now but I still often cringe at things I write because I'm such an emotional writer too, there's usually not much planning it just comes straight from the heart to fingers without too much thought. I fall in a huge mess and high distress quite easily often over seemingly small things. I know this is a learning curve but it's sometimes also a record I'd rather not have. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back and say 'I remember when.....'

I hope you sleep well and have a good night.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can imagine that would be hard to think about @Former-Member. I suppose I only know the Teej I've met in the last few months.

I remember when you sat with me the day triage was called and I totally flipped out and flailed about, but you were still there the next day and the next. I remember that night when you allowed me to be vulnerable and tell something really hard to. I remember finding the daily goals thread that you created, that felt so good to read through and I often enjoy looking over. I remember what it felt like when you noticed I'd been triggered and then enormously run over by a bus on a really hard thread. And I remember the laughs I have had with you during times when it felt like I was going to drown in sadness.

I hope you're able to remember as much of the great as the not-so-great, and that one day the not-so-great doesn't feel as tough. And I hope you are able to be as you as you are here again soon.

Goodnight 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @CheerBear 💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I have been hit by a mega massive wave this morning.

The short version is that the heater, which has been dodgy and ignored by the house owner, had a flip out and cut the power to half the house today. I called my housing worker to let her know, but asked that a maintenance request not get lodged because I know the owner is sick of the maintenance issues in the house and I really need a good period of rest from dealing with the fear of an angry landlord who lives around the corner and the feeling of the threat that our house will be taken from us because I'm an annoying tenant who asks for basic things like ovens, heater, hot water etc to work. My housing worker called me back and told me she'd spoken to the real estate, who spoke to the landlord, and that somehow the landlord had gotten her number and called her. And that yes the land lord is very 'pissed off'. They're actually so pissed off that they're saying that I am breaking the appliances in the house and that they won't offering anymore houses to people in my situation, and that they absolutely will not be fixing anything at all because I am to blame. Unfortunately, for someone in my situation with my too recent history, hearing that I have made a man, who lives way too close, who has my number and who has shown before that they're happy to randomly rock up to the house without notice, really 'pissed off', sends me into a complete frenzied freak out the world is ending, my life is crashing down around me, nowhere is safe, I can't live without secure safe stable housing, life will never be ok, things will never get better, it's all too hard, run away now and run very very fast, give up and stop trying, mode.

I shook a lot. I had a panic attack and felt like I couldn't breathe. I had visions of angry men retaliating and me feeling their anger. I melted down and the whole world spun around. I clung on to the lounge to stop myself from packing a bag, getting the kids and driving very far away. I called my mh worker and we breathed long deep breaths. I stopped being flooded with total complete fear and panic. And now I'm sitting still on my beanbag and am flooded with complete exhaustion and devastation that I know, I really really know, that there is no way I can attempt to recover or rebuild, without a stable secure safe housing. And I don't have that and can't have it until I move from here and potentially shatter our lives once again.

This is the destruction that follows the destruction of what we've been through. It's the continual cycle of chaos that follows people like me around. And it could be what happens for the rest of forever. It's the trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma, that no amount of coping skills or strategies, no amount of talk therapy, or goal setting, or getting back to the basics, will put an end to. I want to say I am done now. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want 'not-real but feels very real' fears to haunt me. And I definitely do not want 'feels real and are very real', fears to need to think of.

I can't do anything more that sit here until this wave has passed and my logical sensible brain kicks in again. I'm very sad right now.

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