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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Phoenix_Rising. I totally understand how difficult in can be to concentrate when your brain is filled up with those feelings. I can also understand how it feels to feel torn about seeing A. I'm increasingly feeling torn about seeing my psychologist too, though luckily (maybe unluckily) I am only able to access them through the 10 sessions a year so it's only once every 4-6 weeks that I have to face it. I really don't like that there are so many helpful helping people out there, like I imagine Rockpool and Lunar (i have spoken to Lunar on the phone before and found it really helpful too) are, who aren't as easily accessible as they could/should be. I wish counsellors were able to be accessed through Better Access, though I understand that could open a whole new mess as the whole not government regulated industry thing could be ugly. In saying that, I really feel like so many potentially superly helpful people choose this line of work because it's less restricted/restrictive. It's the reason I am aiming for membership in the AASW.

Today has been very quiet here which is nice. We started with pancakes and I'm still in my pjs 🙂 We've been working on our crafty things and spending time in the sunshine. The garden is full of leaves and weeds but the vegies are growing well which is so exciting! I might try and get a photo of some this afternoon. I've got what I think is a sinus infection which is not so fun. I meant to tell you my exciting news the other day. I found trauma informed/sensitive yoga and it's through or subsidised by a very TI service so it's not going to be impossible. I can start this week, but unless this bug clears up (because I'm super sniffly and my head/eye hurts a lot) it will have to wait until another time. You, Bessel and my counsellor have inspired this one as I think it will really help with the whole brain and rest-of-my-body connection that seems to be pretty ruptured and probably a big factor in my recovery.

I hope you enjoy your fresh air this afternoon and if I don't carch up with you before your appointment with A tomorrow (because from memory it's a really early one), I hope it's helpful (or at the very least not harmful).

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I totally agree with what you have said re. Counsellors. I HATE how pychologists have managed to position themselves as somehow better than other helping people. I keep tossing around ideas about how I can best change the world - do my masters in social work, do a phd, become a peer support worker...I have no idea. I just know I super hate the system as it is and I want to change it so that it stops hurting people!!! I am already snuggled in bed (and in your pocket) because I have to get up early to see (A). I am so super glad you are my not friend. I still have giant missing CherryBomb feelings and it super helps to be able to snuggle in your pocket. 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

"Want to know the worst bit @CheerBear. I'm busting to go to the toilet but that all seems too hard right now and I'm afraid I'll pee my pants if I get out the car to find a toilet. Just broadcasting this to the world really 🤔😳. Welcome to my world of dysfunction after appointments :face_with_rolling_eyes:" @Former-Member

I sooooo feel like this after my therapy too.. so gald to hear i'm not the only person who sits in my car for hours and then has skid marks on my pants because i'm busting to go to the toilet but can't get out of the car :OOO

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I smiled and smirked at you quoting that @mudsum as I didn't think that would ever resonate with anyone but I'm glad it did for you. It still happens most appointment days.

Lets hope in the future we have better appointments AND clean underwear at the end 😁

@CheerBear When I went back to see where this post was from I realised I'd missed acknowledging some from you. I'm really sorry. I know when I'm really struggling I miss it. Your comments were gold at the time, I was obviously MIA. However I got to appreciate them now 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - I try really hard not to tell people what to do. But I'm breaking my rule here. I really feel like you should do your MSW, mostly for totally selfish reasons though 😛 Because if I hear you're doing your MSW, then there's a good chance I'll rethink the plan I only made a week or so ago to be at peace with the BSW plan, and I will finish the prac stuff of this degree (as in I will move mountains to secure somewhere and then graduate in December and start masters in 2018) so we can study together but not, as anonymous not-friends and change the world that way 😀. It's only two years and a few thousand dollars!

Sleep well there and will be thinking of ypu in the morning 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - it's SO ok! I remember that day so well after reading back through it. That was a hard one and I'm so glad I had you and other people with me for it. I still eye off pineapple lumps and get a quiet smile (and belly ache).

@mudsmum - I don't think we've met but it's nice to 'meet' you. Something I love about being here is there's almost always someone who understands or has experienced whatever it is someone might be experiencing. It helps me feel a lot less like I'm completely bonkers! 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear - i love the idea of a nest. love love love. wondering if it would be ok if i utilise your idea at my place!!!!

I have just spent way too much of my time reading alot of the 75 pages of this discussion topic and i was laughing and crying. it felt like i was doing all these days with you guys. Laughing, busting to go the toilet, rainbows and unicorn poop. oh was there no unicorn pooh haha it was beatufil just what i needed.

sharing with people who know the depths of my own struggle yet can laugh and enjoy each others nest and carepackage delieveries. thankyou community!!!

@Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising @Spookytookims

i'm so bad at stuffing my face with sugar at the wrong times and busting toilet and waiting in the car for hours after appoitnments.

ive gotten sooo many good settling techniques, and ideas thanks for filling my tool box.

xx

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear did you ever finish the picture you were drawing. are you up for sharing it. i'd love to see it.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've just gotten a huge hit of warm fuzzies reading your post @mudsum thank you 🙂 I also just realised your username doesn't have that extra m I read the first time too. I have also just spent some time reading back through this thread after I noticed one of your likes, around the time @Former-Member needed to pee and I ate too many pineapple lumps 😂. I had all kinds of mixed feelings reading through. It's been a full on ride. But the biggest feeling I think I had was one of complete gratitude that I had/have the support of wonderful people and appreciation for how much it means to have people to laugh and cry with. That's what this forum means (for me and I'm fairly sure for many here).

The drawing thing is a little bit of an ouch, as it was done for another thread (Adventures on Turtle Island) that kind of doesn't happen anymore as someone at the centre of it isn't around here anymore. It's a funny adventure too though.

It's nice to have you join us mudsum 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm so glad it's helped @mudsum. I remember the first time I read some stories and saw that respect and care for each other and it felt a bit like home for the first time. 💜🤗

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