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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@CheerBear I am doing another fly-over. Far out...this marking gig is totally doing my head in!!!! Four down, sixteen to go. It is really depressing me how amazingly bad these assignments are. No wonder there are so many useless psychologists out there. These students do not deserve to pass, but you basically aren't allowed to fail them. So they will get through and go on to be another generation of hopelessly unskilled psychologists. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I hope you are going ok. I imagine it was hard saying goodbye to the LF yesterday afternoon. However, soon you will all be together again and your brain will be so much less puddled.
Night.
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear How are you going? How was the break place?
Hiya @Phoenix_Rising
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Just dropping in some flowers to your rest place @CheerBear to brighten your room. Thinking of you. Hoping all is ok.
Hiya @outlander, @Phoenix_Rising. Feel free so sneak some flowers too as I've got some spares growing.
Best wishes 💜🤗💐
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Wow they are really pretty i love the top rose the pinky and yellowy orangey one
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
They are beautiful @Former-Member ..... 😁💕
💜💐💕💜💐💕💜💐💕💜 @ CheerBear ....
Hi everyone .... 👋
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear@Phoenix_Rising
Thinking of you both
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear,
Just another super quick flyby. I hope your not-here-ness is a sign that things are going well at the break place this week.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the messages - the flowers are beautiful thanks @Former-Member. I'm here at the break place still. I'm feeling pretty good here, calm and ok. I don't feel like dying is an option I want to take anymore and that's the biggest shift. I got another medical certificate (c-link apparently will accept another one with an admission) and the box to describe symptoms was checked as 'stable'. That's an improvement (I think?). I'm in a weird place though because while I feel ok enough, the moment I start thinking about how to rebuild I start feeling overwhelmed again, then I feel angry, then the sads hit hard and I melt. I guess this is the whole rollercoaster of recovery. I know all the things I can do to start rebuilding - things like getting a routine, looking after the basics (like sleep and food), setting little goals, then big goals, organising, prioritising etc. But really at the end of the day I keep coming back to the feeling that I shouldn't have to. I had it all covered. There's no breathing techniques, no mindful activities, no medication, no coping strategies that can make it all come back or give me what's been taken and that's painful. I'm learning that healing from this is harder than going through it in the first place.
I think I'm at a point where I need to learn how to make peace with it all. I had a good chat to someone yesterday who told me that making peace isn't about acceptance. I felt better afterwards because I don't ever want to accept what has happened. Maybe I can find peace with it though. How is my question now and I am stuck figuring that one out. I don't know if there is really an answer to this. I definitely haven't come across anyone/anything/anywhere that has the answer. I am hoping time will help me with this one so I think patience and being gentle on myself is about all I can do right now.
So that's me. Art therapy today and probably a whole lot of chilling out getting as much down time as I can for the next 2 days before I head home for good.
Hope you're all going ok.
@Phoenix_Rising - what year are the papers from? I didn't even think about what it would be like to mark the next generation of psychologists work. I can imagine how frustrating and tricky that might become. How are you going with it now? Thinking of you, even when I'm not-here, my not-friend.
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