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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's ok to feel angry that this happened to you @CheerBear. I didn't let myself feel angry for 3 yrs before it finally all came out. After it went it left me in a better place of acceptance. Although I have lots of issues still, acceptance is no longer one of them. For years it was my story, it defined me. It's no longer my only story or defines me but it was just a part of my history. I believe you'll get there. Just one day at a time. At some point you'll have some of these realisations too. It was slow for me but at one point in just two sessions with my psychologist I dealt with some core things and never looked back. It took a while to understand what was holding me back. Yours is likely to be different but I wanted to share this part of my story.
Best wishes 💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear
An improvement to stable seems good. Seems like you've improved abit
Maybr you could speak with your psych about acceptance ?

Thinking of you and best wishes ❣❣

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I am on my way to my wave thread but I wanted to drop by and tell you how happy I am to hear you are doing better. It sounds like the break place has superly duperly helped.

My marking adventure is continuing to totally do my head in. Each paper should take half an hour...and they are taking me about two hours. My concentration is so horribly bad and I really want to do a good job. On the bright side, the lecturer emailed me today and told me that I had done fine with the couple of papers I sent her to check. I'm really hoping that if I can do a good job, then she will send more work my way and I will get quicker at it if ever my brain heals.

They are third year papers and yep, it does feel yuck knowing that some of these people will go on to become the next generation of psychologists. I super wish they could learn something actually useful at uni!!!!!

Anyway, I hope you are having a peaceful night. Thanks for being my not-friend.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm all packed and ready to leave the break place which has been a safe, calm and incredibly valuable time-out, real-life nest for the last two and a half weeks.

I'm feeling good. Not the kind of good that's super excited, super happy, rainbows and lollipops everywhere kind of good. But the kind of good that a really restful sleep leaves you feeling. I'm calm and feel restored. The problems I face are still there, that was never going to change, but my head and heart feel more able to face them now.

My faith that helping people can actually be helpful has been restored here. Every one of the staff that work here on the non-clinical team have been great and a much higher than I expected amount of clinical staff have been great too. I've met some amazing people here and in being around them, I feel much more ok with being around people again. Being away from my LF for so long has helped me see that I need to be with them for as long as my natural time in this world will allow me to. I have a clear plan for how to manage this kind of muddle if it arises again, including a written list of warning signs and steps I can take to find helpful support. I have options now that I didn't have before.

I've stayed at a place like this a long time ago. When I left then, I was ready and determined to make the terrifying huge changes in my life I needed to and after I left I did it. I remember feeling scared when I left, and sad to be leaving a place of safety and calm. Today I will walk away feeling hopeful and calm. I won't be making any huge changes to my life, because there have been too many huge changes lately. But I am now ready and determined to continue living the life I have and I know I will do it. This is the best possible outcome.

Thanks to all of you who've ridden this giant wave with me for the last I've forgotten how many weeks now. I've so much appreciated the role you've played in my journey 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am so very VERY happy to hear how positive you are feeling as you move forward. It must be amazing to read back over this thread and see how different things are now, compared to how they were a few weeks ago. I look forward to hearing about what super fun things you and your LF get up to when you are all back together again.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

how are you holding up @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @CheerBear

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi Shaz 🙂 Just bumped into you on the coffee thread. Hope you're well x

Hey @outlander 🙂 I'm going really well thanks. I feel a bajillionty times better than this time 2 weeks ago. The LF and I are having a very chilled weekend. I'm crocheting with a movie on for them at the moment. All is calm (as calm as it can be in this house lol) and things are as good as I had hoped for the weekend after discharging from a break place. How are you going? I've read bits and pieces but haven't been able to keep up too much over the last little bit.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

lol @CheerBear i havent heard that term before.

im so glad to hear your going really well- it bring a smile to my face. you so deserve to be happy and im so proud of you for getting the help you needed. you seem to ahve come along way with it and im sure with you being happier your LF are happier too

haha with Littlies i often wonder if its ever calm lol but im glad they are occupied and happy and your able to do something for yourself as well.

what movie are you watching? its raining here so we are watching movies too at the moment we are watching the new non cartoon version of alice in wonderland.

unfortunatley i ahvent been the best and debating hospital myself including alot of SH over th epast few days that did need some serious treatment but im not going to put a down on you.

it makes me so much happier to know your doing ok

giant hugs to you- hmm the amount of noise in my hosue i think i might come join you watching a movie lol it doesnt matter what it is lol

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @outlander. I knew my head was in a very dangerous place, but now I'm feeling more ok I am beginning to really realise how long it's been really bad for. I have these really strange feelings at the moment - I think it's called 'calm' haha 😉

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. You don't have to worry about putting a down on me if you want to chat about it. I'm pretty good at looking after myself here now which is why I have been quiet here for the last little while and why I've been limiting what I reply to. I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't in a place to be able to deal with any answer you might have given me.

I think if you are at a point where you are really feeling like you can't go on like you are at the moment and you're doubting your ability to continue, then it's worth reaching out to find some support that will help you. What that looks like is different for everyone and it can be hard to work out what's going to be the best fit until you've tried something.
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