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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Shaz51. I hope you're going well 🙂 Thank you for your lovely posts here 💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi anyone popping past the nest 🙂

Just wanted to share my super exciting news. I have managed to work it so that I can come back to the break place for next week too. I'm heading home for the weekend and the little fish and I are going to do a bunch of fun family stuff, then I head back Monday. The improvement in the last week and a bit has been big, so another five days should hopefully add to that 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yay @CheerBear .... ❣️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Woohoo @CheerBear,

Im so pleased for you 😘💜🤗💐

having an ok day too, holding on to ok while I can.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hope you hold on to that ok for a good while @Former-Member 🙂

I feel so relieved and so incredibly thankful that I'm able to have this opportunity. I know my littles will be sad again but I know it's ok and it will only be a few more days and I'll be back for good.

Hope you're going well @Faith-and-Hope 💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Doing better today @CheerBear, thanks to a a couple of beautiful forum friends who have been reminding me to park things up and take baby steps to distract, distract, distract ..... and not lose the moments of joy amongst the moments of sorrow ......

❤️💕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am super happy for you @CheerBear. This sounds like the best of both worlds - time with the LF over the weekend and then more brain-fixing time for another week. I know the LF will be sad and that totally sucks, but in the big scheme of their lives, the pain of this time will pass super quickly. It sounds like your puddle brain is a bit less puddled. I can't wait to hear how not-puddled the brain of my not-friend is after another week of brain fixing at the break place. And can I just say...I super love how effortlessly I can communicate with you and be both understood and understand what you are saying. This is exactly how I need (A) to be!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

It sounds like melt, flip, trip and fall therapy is hard work but well worth it! Your post may have taken ages to write, but it all makes perfect sense to me. Yep, in my completely non-professional opinion, your brain is fully intact - it's just scrambled, and scrambled brains can become unscrambled...unlike eggs. Yay for brains being unlike eggs.

The medication thing is tricky isn't it. What you are describing is one of the issues that I have with medication - there are always confounding factors (e.g. extra rest, and helpful helping people), which make it super hard to tell if the medications are having any positive effect. I am definitely not anti-medication by any means, but I only want to take something if I can see that it is helping me. Particularly if it has icky side effects.

Your uni situation sounds super tough. I can't quite envisage what you needed to do for those units because, you know, in a psychology degree you don't do anything actually practical!!!! I'm imagining that you needed to do placements or something??? I can see why it would totally suck to lose all those connections. And yes, I certainly understand the pain of knowing what could have been if there weren't waves crashing over us so often.

I am not at all surprised that your transcript sounds like mine. I think that's at least in part why we seem to click as not-friends. I really noticed speaking with the lecturer today (the one who is entrusting the marking gig to me) how easily I can communicate with some people, compared to the immense challenge I have with (A). I know there is a trait, which I can't quite articulate, that strongly influences how well I can communicate with someone. The lecturer definitely has it and so do you. I had actually really wanted this lecturer as my supervisor when I did my dissertation, but she already had her quota of students. The whole process would have been far less horrendous if I had had her as my supervisor.

I am pretty sure your fierce determination will get you through your degree @CheerBear. I have a sign on my desk, which I put up when I was in an absolute world of pain with my dissertation. It is still right here. It says "courage is knowing you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." It comes from "To K*ll a Mocking Bird." After I got my results and miraculously got the first class honours, I allowed myself to finish the quote: "courage is knowing you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." You can do this @CheerBear...just not right now, and that's ok.

I'm so glad you are finding the break place quiet, friendly, supportive and fun. It sounds awesome. I have definitely never heard of anything like that in my part of the world.

I'm excited that you found a CheerBear at Big W. That makes it highly probable that I will be able to find one too. I will definitely look next time I'm at the shops.

I'm at my volunteering gig tomorrow, and then I'm going to try and get my head around this marking gig over the weekend. I'm expecting it to take me quite a long time. I'm going to mark a few of the papers and then catch up with the lecturer again early next week to talk through any issues.

I am super hoping that A and I can get on track too. I feel hopeful because she is trying so hard and she is willing to try new and kind-of random things (like me standing on my head). But then on the flip side, the reality is that we truly can't communicate well. I honestly think the way forward is for us to work at building a relationship without actually talking too much. I have no idea right now what that looks like, but somehow we need to figure it out. I know she is never going to be able to help me like my uni counsellor did, but if she can provide at least some sense of connection and safety, then maybe that will be all I need to then be able to de-muddle my brain myself. I just need some support. More than anything, I simply need some stable, safe, dependable support.

I'm super glad that Squishy and I can be there to help you through the tough bits of melt, trip, flip and fall therapy. I love that we had coco pops for breakfast. I haven't bought coco pops in about a million years.

I'm glad you are enjoying the social aspects of the break place, and that for a tiny moment, you could see the old CheerBear. She's right there, just waiting to be unscrambled and de-puddled.

My day has improved as it has gone along. It started horribly, but the gigantic cry I had when I saw my GP super helped, and then speaking to the lecturer helped even more. I guess in that conversation I saw the old Phoenix_Rising, much like you caught a glimpse of the old CheerBear.

Ok, well that's my essay for today. I won't be around tomorrow until Friday Feast and then I may not be around much over the weekend as I try to get my head around the marking adventure. Anyway, you will be super busy doing super fun stuff with the LF over the weekend.

Oh I just remembered something VERY important. There is a new ad on tv. It is for Aldi and it has a woman on it riding a trolley all around an empty carpark. When I saw it, I thought of how that is definitely what you and I would do if we could hang out together in the real world.

I hope you have a great tomorrow @CheerBear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight @CheerBear, goodnight Squishy, Goodnight Mr Seahorse. I just had the urge to say goodnight as I drift off to sleep in your pocket @CheerBear. I love how super snuggly and safe I feel in here. Zzzzzzzz🐢

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @outlander xx

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