Hi not-friend @Phoenix_Rising 🙂
It's taking me a while to reply because I'm still undergoing melt, flip, trip and fall therapy. I have no doubt that this technique, when experienced in a safe and supportive environment, will have positive long term outcomes, though right now I'm feeling very scrambled. I'm having a bit of trouble with my words and it's difficult for me to think and speak clearly. I expect this post will take me a long time to write but I'm determined to do it, for lots of reasons including that I need to show myself that I can still make sense and also because I super like you.
I started a new med which I wasn't going to do but I needed to throw anything I could at this mess I am in. Apparently the two meds I am on now have a synergetic effect which is both promising and terrifying, especially given my experience with meds and my beliefs about medication. My mood has lifted overall in the last couple of days which I believe has more to do with the rest I have been able to get, the tricky conversations with helping people and the social interaction I'm having, rather than the meds. While my mood has lifted, I'm feeling side effects including nausea, shaking hands and scatter brain, so I'm going to talk to the white boats about dropping the second one now because I really don't want to add unnecessary medication to my scrambled brain.
As for uni, I was the equivalent of two units away from completing it. They're units that required me to have had built a network of contacts and professional connections, which I had spent years doing. I was in a very promising and exciting position and it felt as if the years and years of hard work were really going to pay off. When the big bang happened, I had to leave it all behind. I know no-one now, except for the ridiculous amount of helping people from all kinds of services who I've come across as a needy, sometimes demanding, fiesty, melted snowflake client. It's shattering. But not 'right' now is a good way to try and see it. I think this is definitely something you and I can understand the pain of - the terrible hurt of knowing you could make it, could do something and could be self-sufficient but it's just not something that can happen while being hit with waves. I'll tell you a secret too - our transcripts sound almost identical. My grade point average sat far closer to 7 than 6. I want it. I worked so hard for it and I deserve it, as do you. I will be relying on my fierce determination to get me through it, because even when I'm feeling kind of hopeless, it seems to be one thing that keeps me standing.
I can't really say what the break place is because I don't want to take any chance that any storm may be able to make its way to us. Once I'm out and back home I will let you know what type of service it is though because it really is a good idea. It's staffed 24/7 by a mh organisation who run programs, are available to talk to, organise outings etc. The people staying at the break place work out menus and take it in turns of cooking, as well as share chores. Clinical staff work business hours, so they review and tweak meds as well as answer any medical kind of questions. This place really can work as a step between hospital and home. It's quiet, friendly, supportive and fun.
Tiny turtle and I will be leaving for this weekend and maybe not returning as logistically it doesn't work for the LF. Whether we come back or not, this weekend we will be spending some really important quality time together because I miss them and they miss me. I have so badly needed this break and can already feel some life coming back into me.
I saw a tiny cheerbear at Big W the other day and I so wished I had picked it up now. I will keep my eye out for another because cheerbear and TT future adventures will be great! I'd love to see what you get up to if you do find a cheer to keep in your pocket!
What are you up to this week? I love that A moved the furniture around so you could stand on your head on Monday 🙂 I'm hoping so much that A can figure out something helpful.
I took some photos of what we got up to yesterday. Even through the melt, trip, flip and fall TT and Squishy are still there, which feels a lot like stability and continuity and is very helpful when things are scrambled. So yesterday we did eat, not so healthily though. I think you were right about the brown cardboard flakes (which was sultana bran). I started off with coco pops instead and they were amazing. I love the chocolate milk part of coco pops! We also had minties yesterday, tucked away in the drawer, which were fun to chew on when nervous waves came. At the end of the day we made a birthday cake for someone who is staying with us. It was really nice to see them smile. We've been doing really well with this whole social interaction thing, even walking and going to the shop with other people. We did a movie night the other night too, to celebrate someone leaving so we picked up lollies and popcorn and gathered everyone together. I felt a teeny little bit more like the old cheerbear I was, and it felt really good.
So my not-friend, this post was started at 6:30 this morning. I've picked it up and put it down so many times. We've had two meetings, including one with the biggest white ship here, which was really positive again. We've also gone for a walk to the pharmacy, cleaned our room and worked on the mandala blanket. But we got there in the end.
I really hope you have a good day Phoenix_rising 🙂
