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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you @Former-Member Hold on Hon - walking with you always. Huge hugs...
Zoe 💝🌹🌷🌸💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

Wow, it sounds like you have had a very full-on and yet super productive few days. Who would have thought that melting, flipping, tripping and falling could all be signs of healing taking place! I wonder if that could take off as a model of therapy: the melt, flip, trip and fall technique.

I can definitely relate to the pain around not finishing uni when you were "supposed" to. When I enrolled, I planned that my degree would take six years. Yay for the twelve year odyssey!!! How many subjects do you have left to do? Did you defer or withdraw? Just because you can't do it now, doesn't mean you'll never be able to do it, you know. One of the phrases I've learnt over the years is "I can't do it right now" as opposed to "I can't do it."

I can imagine how horrible it must have been to see your LF so sad on Sunday afternoon. I wonder what super cool fun things you guys are all going to get up to together when you are back with them??? Have they been calling eleventy billion times a day?

The break place sounds awesome. Does the break place have a particular name. I don't mean the name of that actual place, but...like...I know it isn't a "hospital" and I'm curious to know what it is. I have never heard of anything like it in my part of the world. You don't need to answer that if you feel that doing so would provide any indication of your actual location.

It sounds like the white boats at the break place are super understanding. I'm super glad you felt heard by them regarding your previous horrible experiences in the MH system.

I always find that meltdowns are very conducive to a good night's sleep. Big feelings are exhausting!!!! I find that the exhaustion of getting big feelings out is a much nicer kind of exhaustion than the exhaustion of trying to keep big feelings in.

I wonder if you have saved all those un-posted posts somewhere, @CheerBear? Even if you didn't want to share them here in Forum Land, I wonder if it may be worth copying and pasting them into a Word document and saving them for your own reflection down the track.

I'm glad I can hang out in your pocket @CheerBear. I definitely need to find a Cheer Bear to put in my pocket!!!! I'm super glad that our oceans collided and I am super SUPER glad that we are not-friends.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member It is so lovely to see your beautiful purple flower back - warms my heart to see it

Thinking of you Teej...

Zoe

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Zoe7 💜🤗💐
Hi @CheerBear
This humpty dumpty has had a few falls off the wall lately and kind of went splat all over the place. Luckily she had some awesome support to put her back together. Today she's feeling human, well let's not exaggerate, this hour she's still holding stable and doing ok. However she does have her therapy session today so we'll have to see what happens then.
I hope this message finds you ok and having more ups than downs in the rest place. I'll write more when I can.
Hugs to you all
💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

your beautiful flowers back @Former-Member good too see

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - so great to see you 🙂 I'm glad you're feeling more human and you've got support. Will be thinking of you for your therapy session today and hoping it goes well. Thinking of you lots Teej 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi not-friend @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

It's taking me a while to reply because I'm still undergoing melt, flip, trip and fall therapy. I have no doubt that this technique, when experienced in a safe and supportive environment, will have positive long term outcomes, though right now I'm feeling very scrambled. I'm having a bit of trouble with my words and it's difficult for me to think and speak clearly. I expect this post will take me a long time to write but I'm determined to do it, for lots of reasons including that I need to show myself that I can still make sense and also because I super like you.

I started a new med which I wasn't going to do but I needed to throw anything I could at this mess I am in. Apparently the two meds I am on now have a synergetic effect which is both promising and terrifying, especially given my experience with meds and my beliefs about medication. My mood has lifted overall in the last couple of days which I believe has more to do with the rest I have been able to get, the tricky conversations with helping people and the social interaction I'm having, rather than the meds. While my mood has lifted, I'm feeling side effects including nausea, shaking hands and scatter brain, so I'm going to talk to the white boats about dropping the second one now because I really don't want to add unnecessary medication to my scrambled brain.

As for uni, I was the equivalent of two units away from completing it. They're units that required me to have had built a network of contacts and professional connections, which I had spent years doing. I was in a very promising and exciting position and it felt as if the years and years of hard work were really going to pay off. When the big bang happened, I had to leave it all behind. I know no-one now, except for the ridiculous amount of helping people from all kinds of services who I've come across as a needy, sometimes demanding, fiesty, melted snowflake client. It's shattering. But not 'right' now is a good way to try and see it. I think this is definitely something you and I can understand the pain of - the terrible hurt of knowing you could make it, could do something and could be self-sufficient but it's just not something that can happen while being hit with waves. I'll tell you a secret too - our transcripts sound almost identical. My grade point average sat far closer to 7 than 6. I want it. I worked so hard for it and I deserve it, as do you. I will be relying on my fierce determination to get me through it, because even when I'm feeling kind of hopeless, it seems to be one thing that keeps me standing.

I can't really say what the break place is because I don't want to take any chance that any storm may be able to make its way to us. Once I'm out and back home I will let you know what type of service it is though because it really is a good idea. It's staffed 24/7 by a mh organisation who run programs, are available to talk to, organise outings etc. The people staying at the break place work out menus and take it in turns of cooking, as well as share chores. Clinical staff work business hours, so they review and tweak meds as well as answer any medical kind of questions. This place really can work as a step between hospital and home. It's quiet, friendly, supportive and fun.

Tiny turtle and I will be leaving for this weekend and maybe not returning as logistically it doesn't work for the LF. Whether we come back or not, this weekend we will be spending some really important quality time together because I miss them and they miss me. I have so badly needed this break and can already feel some life coming back into me.

I saw a tiny cheerbear at Big W the other day and I so wished I had picked it up now. I will keep my eye out for another because cheerbear and TT future adventures will be great! I'd love to see what you get up to if you do find a cheer to keep in your pocket!

What are you up to this week? I love that A moved the furniture around so you could stand on your head on Monday 🙂 I'm hoping so much that A can figure out something helpful.

I took some photos of what we got up to yesterday. Even through the melt, trip, flip and fall TT and Squishy are still there, which feels a lot like stability and continuity and is very helpful when things are scrambled. So yesterday we did eat, not so healthily though. I think you were right about the brown cardboard flakes (which was sultana bran). I started off with coco pops instead and they were amazing. I love the chocolate milk part of coco pops! We also had minties yesterday, tucked away in the drawer, which were fun to chew on when nervous waves came. At the end of the day we made a birthday cake for someone who is staying with us. It was really nice to see them smile. We've been doing really well with this whole social interaction thing, even walking and going to the shop with other people. We did a movie night the other night too, to celebrate someone leaving so we picked up lollies and popcorn and gathered everyone together. I felt a teeny little bit more like the old cheerbear I was, and it felt really good.

So my not-friend, this post was started at 6:30 this morning. I've picked it up and put it down so many times. We've had two meetings, including one with the biggest white ship here, which was really positive again. We've also gone for a walk to the pharmacy, cleaned our room and worked on the mandala blanket. But we got there in the end.

I really hope you have a good day Phoenix_rising 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I am deliberately not responding to your super long post for a while because my response will be long and then you might feel you need to respond again and your response will be long and we will end up writing full-on essays to each other which are hard work and thus should be spaced out a bit given that we are both trying to write with soggy puddle brains!

However, I just wanted to say that I have read it and I super enjoyed reading all your news. I am wondering where Mr Seahorse has got to???

I will respond properly in the next day or so.

This is a not-response from your not-friend who is here yet not here...and who super likes you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @outlander, @Former-Member, @Zoe7

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

It's got very hard to hide three sea creatures and quickly position them, then take a photo of them, then stash them away again so Mr Seahorse resides in the apple graveyard on the window sill. He's very happy and doing well at the break place.

I hope you don't feel like you ever need to reply to my super long posts. I completely understand that you might be in a muddle, or busy, or standing on your head, or maybe just not wanting to reply. I don't ever feel like I 'need' to reply. I just wanted you to know that 🙂 I do like the idea of a not-response from a not-friend though. This is one of them.

I'm currently watching a movie in a nest made of a beanbag, fluffy blanket and lots of pillows. It's so warm and cosy. I hope you have a good night too.
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