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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello my not-friend @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

Thank you for stopping past the nest. I have been very busy working on my puddle brain. It's been a very hard few days. I did want to reply to let you know I'm still here, but not and still thinking of you often (it's really hard not to think of you when you live in my pocket) though.

I will come past tonight if I don't fall into a heap in bed early and post what's been happening.

I really hope you're going ok. I will search around tonight to see whether you've posted on how you've been going. I'm about to go for a walk and then I'm on dinner cooking tonight. Yay for the healthy eating and coffee plan. I'm getting there with it too!

🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear It is nice to see you. I have just posted in the worry room. I was going to put it on my riding a wave thread but then I thought people might try to say helpful stuff and I would bite their head off (poor @Former-Member knows I have a bit of a talent for that ). I really do super like people just sitting with me in my big feelings rather than trying to help by saying something.

I super hope that the hard days mean healing is happening.

I super love that we are not-friends. I have been missing you a little bit (because I truly am borderline and thus struggle with abandonment stuff) and I have been reminding myself that "we are not friends," which super helps me to deal with the abandonment feelings. You can't ever hurt me, because we are not friends. I'm super glad that we are not friends.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm on my walk @Phoenix_Rising and I've just read your worry room. It's scary on this walk because the traffic is terrifyingly busy. Maybe we can both just hang out in this nest for a bit, close but not close and just sit together. I would really like that.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good plan @CheerBear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Poking my head out from the nest to say hi 🙂

It's been a very full on couple of days here. I have melted, flipped out, melted again, picked myself up, tripped over again, got up, fell back down... but I'm still here and still keeping on keeping on.

Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of uni. I'd intentionally kept away from looking at the dates so I didn't feel that big pain, although I did think it was due to be around this time. I was left on someone's mailing list accidentally and received an email informing me that it was the last week of term last week. So on top of feeling like I'd failed as a mum on Mother's Day, I felt the pain of failing uni yesterday as well. I spent the day with the LG who were super happy to see me in the morning, then heart breakingly sad to say goodbye in the afternoon. It hurt hugely. Once that pain left, the guilt crept in as I thought about what I'd been considering leaving which has been very tough.

The break place is a great place to be though. It's calm, peaceful and supportive. The group I'm with are really good. I've been spending more time out of the room which has been mostly quiet crocheting while others draw or do puzzles.

I worked some things out with the white boats today as well. After having nightmares I decided there was no more avoiding it and I spoke about some really hard stuff that I know is on my file. Not the specific events but more my fear of the white boats and my fear of the labels they can and have put on me and what that means for me. I ran head first at my past experience with BPD labelling which up until now I had avoided any talk of with white boats as it terrified me. I felt reassured and it was a conversation that's helped me trust them just a little more. They're very aware that I'm very easily shaken now and that my experiences with many mh services have caued further trauma, so they're being careful and gentle.

Tonight I'm feeling pretty good. I slept well yesterday (it may have been a big meltdown sleep thing), have been keeping to the limited caffeine intake and eating better.

@Phoenix_Rising - I've written out lots of posts but haven't pushed send. At times I've been very dark and twisty and I would have written things that may have been super hard for others to read which is part of why I've been quiet. That and there's someone in my pocket that is a constant reminder that it will pass and it will change, I just have to ride it out 🙂 I've been missing you a lot. I am very glad our oceans have met and we are not-friends.

There's no happy or cheery or sad or dark cheerbear tonight, just one who's still here but quiet at the moment and working through some big stuff.

Looking forward to being in a better place to read a bit further around than I can at the moment and seeing how everyone is getting on. Hoping you're all going ok though.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

glad your poking you head out @CheerBear

sending you big hugs

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @CheerBear - doing a F&H flyby to say a very big...

Zoe

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodmorning @CheerBear
Hope todays a better day for you
Thinking of you 😘😘🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's not such a great idea for me to come on at the moment @CheerBear. But I'm thinking of you.....and @Phoenix_Rising, @outlander, @Zoe7

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh dear @Former-Member

Sending you hugs and hopinh you will be ok 💪⛦💖💖💖
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