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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

This is one quote I've been living by at the moment. I'm almost certain you've seen and possibly shared it (maybe even with me sorry) but I'll post it here to add as decoration in the nest for us all @Former-Member

I hope today is good for us all. And if not, we can try again tomorrow

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

The days of hope will become more frequent if you persist in seeking them @Former-Member @CheerBear ..... it's their nature .....

Hugs n hugs to both of you ..... 💜💐💕🌷🌈🎨🐬🐙🐢🦋 ...... I just found a butterfly on my updated emojis .... ❣️...... finally ..... one of the essentials of life has to be butterflies ..... 🦋🦋🦋😏💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Happy tears ..... need an emoji for that one ....

Faith-and-Hope ..... 🦋🐬💐💕🌈

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear,

It sounds like yesterday was super tough. I think the issue started with the cardboard kind-of tasting flakes. See now if you had had porridge for breakfast instead of what I'm assuming were corn flakes, that would have set the day up much better.

The utter absurdity of telling hopeless people they need hope in order to recover, is right up there with telling people who hate themselves "you must love yourself if you expect anyone else to love you." It's also up there with telling a highly distressed person to "just calm down". And it is DEFINITELY up there with telling someone who has experienced a major trauma that "everything happens for a reason." It's probably just as well I wasn't in your pocket when the ship in white said that, because I think I would have leapt out and launched myself at the white ship's face.

Your dinner soup sounds amazingly healthy. I have done well again on the eating front today and I also did the no coffee in the afternoon gig too. We are going to be absolute masters at this healthy eating thing by the time we leave the break place @CheerBear. Sadly, apples aren't on my fairly limited list of foods that I eat - they do sound cute though the way you describe them! I super love that you are honouring the lost apple souls.

It can certainly seem like a giant muddle when talk of hope brings hopelessness and relaxing causes panic. I think for me, learning about the trauma responses of the brain and body helped me to learn to be less afraid of the muddle. So...I still have the muddle, but I don't have added feelings such as fear that I'm going crazy or any sense of guilt that I somehow "shouldn't" feel what I feel. It simply is what it is, and that's ok. I think that might be the secret of how I am able to ride the giant waves. I don't have any sense that I need to struggle against them, I simply ride them, and thus far, they have proven to ALWAYS pass.

I'm super glad that you seem to have connected with some super supportive workers at the break place. You also mentioned that you have been socialising with other break-takers. I am guessing that has been helpful???

You are not alone in your muddle @CheerBear. I know how strange it can feel to go from being an HD student at uni, to finding that your greatest achievement for the day is getting the washing up done or something. Do you want to know a secret? On my academic transcript, I have one credit, two distinctions, and all of the rest are High Distinctions...and yet did you notice the way I was during the tornado on Monday night? Yeah...not cool. Over the years a lot of people have shamed me by saying something like "Phoenix_Rising, you are so intelligent, why do you behave this way." Indeed, a comment along this line was one of the oh-so-many things that was so amazingly triggering about the tornado. I AM intelligent...and I also have a muddle. Both my academic transcript and those extremely chaotic posts of Monday reflect parts of me. Neither of them totally defines me and one doesn't negate the other - they are simply parts of the whole.

Right now for you success = opening blinds and eating food...and that's ok. I'm not psychic, but I think there is an extremely strong probability that it will not always be this way. I also think there is a strong probability that you will be able to heal your brain enough to return to study. I don't know how long you have been doing your degree for, but remember that the little turtle in your pocket took twelve years!!!

I super hope today has been a good day for you. I'm going to head over to Friday Feast now. I'll have to stock up on virtual treats to balance my real-world healthy eating!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good night @CheerBear , I will sit with you for a while , have you got a nice soft pillow , I might fall asleep holding you hand xx

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear. I am here but not here, and I am thinking of you my not-friend.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @CheerBear, i am thinking of you tonight my friend

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I am hoping that your absence from the forum indicates that you are super busy fixing your puddle brain. Brain fixing can be such super hard work. I hope you are travelling ok. From your not-really-here-and-yet-right-here-not-friend.

Ps. I've been sticking to the healthy eating and no coffee after 2pm plan.

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