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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I did think about you and your shaving cream mess adventure today @Former-Member 🙂 I felt super self conscious but then relaxed and it was great. I remember only having gross coffee and those tiny uht milks when I was in the psych unit. The uht milks were being smuggled and traded for cigarettes so I was lucky to have buddied up with the person responsible for all the missing milks. He would hide them for me under my pillow - kind of creepy but a nice gesture 😂

I'm so so happy for you that you've managed a day of calm. I can imagine that's so welcome after the last weeks. I posted on the HOYD thread for the same reason earlier 🙂 I do enjoy the idea of being able to revisit the positives too.

Hope you sleep well too Teej 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can't remember my first experiences with that stuff in the psych ward @CheerBear. Mind you I didn't eat for the first 10 days or drink for the first three days before they picked it up and threatened medical intervention so possibly uht milk wasn't on my radar 😁 The psych ward scared the hell out of me. But I did laugh at your story of smuggling UHT milk. I think somehow these stories make us a little stronger too. For the last 18 months all my hospital experiences have been in the mental health short stay ward which is only usually 3days unless they think you need longer. It's been enough for me to break the intense cycle but doesn't do anything to get well. It's mostly a processing service for picking up new people and getting them linked in with services or respite.

I hope you sleep well tonight too 💜🤗😴😴😴😴

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I see you are not here (and yet here) so I will just tell you about my day for when you are here (while also not here).

I SUPER love the sea horse. Do you want to know my first thought when I saw him? I thought "oh wow, he can touch his tail with his nose." Then, my second thought was "Right now his nose is touching my shell." I suppose that's ok...so long as no one else around here gets any weird ideas about it being acceptable to rest their nose on my shell.

I had my last coffee at 2pm as planned. As far as eating goes, for breakfast I had porridge (I know, surprising, right!!!!), for lunch I had a weight watchers frozen lasagne, and right now I'm cooking a chicken schnizel (baked, not fried) and vegetables (peas, carrots, corn). How's THAT for healthy eating!

Also, yesterday, someone started a thread about yoga and it inspired me to do some yoga this morning. Yoga is one of those things I know super helps...and yet somehow I only go through phases of doing it. I'm going to wander back to the yoga thread in a minute and post a link to the videos I use. I've never actually done a class, I just mess around at home. I was psyching myself up to join a class this year but then I had a major unexpected expense over Christmas, which basically blew the entire budget for 2017. I still really want to join a class though. I'm at the stage of standing on my head and I have a feeling I should probably get some formal instruction in order to avoid breaking my neck.

Anyway, I hope you have had a good day. I'm hoping that you not being here (and yet still here) is a positive sign that you are busy doing cool stuff at the break place. I know that for me, I tend to be on the forums more when my muddle is greatest. That's just for future reference in case I go misssing in action for a day or two here or there.

I super hope things are going well for you @CheerBear.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising Thank you for coming past and telling me about your day (and for sending your well wishes). I so love reading your posts. I'm super impressed you can stand on your head! Yoga for me is like the cup song was. It's an opportunity to practice something really cool and nail it. I don't do slow and steady too well so I can do only the crow and the eight-angle pose. They're really helpful in that they've kept me busy and I feel very clever doing them. If I liked parties they would be cool party tricks too. I'd love to be in a place where I could do yoga, and I know there's somewhere not too far that does trauma sensitive yoga so it's on my one day list. I think kickboxing comes first though. I hope you get to join a class sometime.

I'm also incredibly impressed by your healthy eating kick as well! I stuck it out yesterday (it will be in the post below) too. Do you like apples? If so, keep your eye out at coles for the ridiculously cute little guys, maybe in a kids pack in the fruit section. I have a feeling you'll like them!
One of my favourite things about yesterday was seeing you on the beach. I'm so impressed (and genuinely inspired) by your wave riding and deep sea diving skills.
I hope today is good for you my not-friend 🙂
(Ps there are too many impresses in that post haha!)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear
I hope the break place is helping you and your doing well 💓💓 thinking of you 🌻🌻🌻🌻

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning nesters.
I'm tempted to leave yesterday where it belongs, which is in yesterday, but I also do kind of want to write the post I lost last night too, because there was good and bad and I'd like to share.
Yesterday in the adventures of TT and Squishy:
Our day started off really well. We did this strange thing with milk, cardboard kind of tasting flakes and a bowl. I heard it's called eating breakfast (teej you might be interested in this haha).
We were feeling really positive about things until we went to a group session. It was all about recovery and the factors involved in it, including the important role of hope. Being that currently hope feels almost totally lost sometimes, it left me feeling really hopeless. So there was a meltdown. Our really lovely worker brought in a box of tissues to add to our room and we've used them a lot since.
I spoke to a ship in white on my own yesterday, leaving TT behind as I felt really brave. The first part of the conversation was really productive as we spoke about meds and the opportunity here to tweak meds. Then the white ship decided to talk about my thinking process and it didn't go down so well. I said that no amount of challenging negative thoughts could give me back what was lost or lessen the very harsh reality that at any point the storm that destroyed life could come back and do it again. There was a comment about 'everything happening for a reason', which felt a lot like a kick to my chest. Even though it was said with kindness, it didn't stop the pain. I really missed the tiny turtle that hangs in my pocket at that point and have decided there will be no more conversations with boats in white without TT.
Finding myself in a right mess, we did what we do to get through and went for a walk to collect goodies, except this time they were goodies for healthy dinner. We cooked curried carrot, lentil and cashew soup. It was delicious (and really adventurous for us). We listened to music, socialised, crocheted and ate, and felt much better.
After getting into our super cool pink and black jail striped onesie, we did a group relaxation thing which started off really well. I got about 15 minutes in when my heart decided that relaxing is cause for major panic and we totally flipped. We raced around feeling like running away but knowing we didn't have to and worked super hard to calm down. Once calm settled, hopelessness came back with a such power that it was a massive fight not to give in to it. Another really lovely worker sat with us through talk of how incredibly hard it is for success to now mean eating, opening blinds and not escaping the pain of life, rather than getting high distinctions and finishing a degree. We sat until we were at a point where it was safe to go to bed.
So this little mess I'm in, where thinking about hope causes total hopelessness, and relaxing causes panic, is huge. And exhausting. The people here are really great though so it's a good place to be in such a mess.
To counter all the bad, we've decided that the almost too cute to eat apples really are tiny moments of smiles. To catch a little laugh often we're keeping the stickers of the apples we're eating on the window sill to honour the lost souls of the little guys who've made their way to apple heaven in my stomach. Fuzz and Batty are with us now.
Last night I was very thankful that I knew the sun would rise again and with it would come a thing called tomorrow with a chance to start again. Which is where I am, on our rock listening to the birds, today.
Thank you to anyone who read that novel 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good too see you've still got your sense of humour @CheerBear
I love reading about your adventures and tt and squishy are super cute. Whose the little blue one?Do you plan on making any more little friends?

It sounds like a great place to be. Im so proud of you for going and braving those big waves. You deserve help and im extremely happy your getting it. Big big hugs to you. Super proud and im happy you wrote your novel id love to hear more of your adventures

Lots of love and hugs Outlander 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘⛦⛦⛦⛦

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @outlander 🙂 💛💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I just read your post @CheerBear.

i felt so many emotional responses reading it. I smiled at breakfast, gasped and felt sick in my stomach at 'everything happens for a reason' and was in disbelief with it, I identified with the feeling of hopelessness at the thought of hope, and giggled at the Apple stickers.

I wanted to share something with you. I couldn't get hope or faith either. It took months of one very determined and patient @Faith-and-Hope to teach me about it. Some days it disappears completely still and I only see the darkness. The irony is I've typed her name so much they have become ingrained in me now. 2 days ago I created some quotes on images to do with hope so it's still something I struggle with me. I posted one on inspirational quote of the day yesterday I think, I might put the other one I found more suited to me there today. I found and find it a really challenging concept to get my head around. Give yourself time to do this too.

The irony is I crashed yesterday too after I posted I was trying to climb out. I found myself at risk and called out for help yesterday, a concept that is feeling strange but perhaps something I'm learning to do more often recently. In recent months I battle so much with calling out for help or doing what I so desperately want to and end it. Yesterday hope had faded and I just wanted darkness. But somehow I made it to today and today is a new day and it's been a huge roller coaster and it's only 9:30 here. I think it's a balance between hope and responsibility to my kids that keeps me calling for help lately.

I don't know you but from what I've read there is a lot to be hopeful for you. I'm sure you'll find a way back to carve out a new life that will be meaningful, purposeful and have you achieve new and amazing things. I think none of us can go back to our old life when it's been so completely destroyed by something we had no control over. My hope is we can create something new and fulfilling once we work out how to get through this mess. Today that seems so far away but on Wednesday it seemed so close like I could touch it. I hope you find some days that it feels so close you can touch it again, it takes a long time to get there though.

I hope today is better for you. Enjoy your real coffee this morning. 💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you so much for sharing such a heartfelt and open post @Former-Member. I'm feeling lots of emotions while I sit on the rock and process it all. I am sad that there are so many people fighting hopelessness too, especially because I know that some of the people who fight it the hardest have so much to be hopeful for, like you (and so many here). I feel so much less alone in my struggles knowing there are people who get it though, even if it's because they experience it too.

You're spot on in saying that perhaps hope now needs to be found in the idea of re-creating life and that a huge part of it is in finding meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I'm trying so hard to sit with that at the moment, but my fix-it brain is struggling to let go. I imagine you too have a fix-it brain that doesn't do so well with the idea of letting go, as there's a part of having a fix it brain that doesn't want to let go. I could be wrong here but I feel like I can relate often to what you experience as well, and perhaps that's because we have similar ways of processing things.

This similar but different thing may also explain how I can completely relate to the total up and down-ness that can happen from day to day and sometimea even hour to hour. How it's 10:40 now and already I've been riding a rollercoaster, like you have by 9:30.

Thank you Teej, for being you 💛
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