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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am in a public place on my phone so can't respond properly, but I needed to say that you oh-so-definitely have got this @CheerBear!!!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I super hope things are going ok for you today @CheerBear. Guess what? Last night I had a dream about arriving at the break place!!! In the dream, I pulled up in the car in front of the place. It was set right near the road, which I was surprised about. It had a full-glass frontage but the glass was heavily tinted and I was thinking about how respectful this was regarding the privacy of everyone taking a break in the break place. And...that's it. I didn't get to step inside the break place in my dream. How super strange is that, that I dreamt about it! Anyway, I super hope you feel as ok about arriving at the break place, as I did in my dream.

This is such a super awesome thing you are doing for both yourself and your LF. I can only imagine how yuck it must feel to be experiencing such similar feelings to those you had in a past horrible time. I'm so glad that the thinking bit of your brain is telling the feeling bit of your brain that yes, the feelings are the same, but the situation is entirely different. You are doing something superly duperly awesome for yourself and your LF because both you and they are oh-so-totally worth it.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

We made it to the break place. I'm exhausted and my body has crashed after a massive hit of panic run freak out. But we made it.

I was writing to you @Phoenix_Rising when a team of people came. I'm now recovering from what feels like a huge scratch and telling myself it's ok. It will be ok.

We have a lovely room with the best window. And it's tinted. Weird but kind of cool.

I'm kind of too scared and flipping out to explore right now but it will be ok. I know it will take some time to settle and in the meantime I will sit with my blanket and add creatures. There's a butterfly coming.

Thank you for being here/there not here/there. I will be back when my brain isn't so much of a puddle.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Best of luck @CheerBear ❤ ❤
Super cute crochet animals.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

Im struggling lots still but hospital helped with intense SI. I'm laying low but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm really proud of you that you've got there and it is lovely. I hope you get the rest and support you need. I'll try to drop in when I can. Sending you best wishes.

💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Thinking of you...

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks for the lovely pictures Teej and Zoe, and for the messages Phoenix_rising, Outlander and Bella.

Feeling very iffy tonight. I feel like now I've taken off my 'I'm ok, nothing to see here hat', I've massively crashed. Very down tonight 😞 Maybe it's just a first night thing. Trying really hard to stay away from those worries that this won't fix it and it's too far gone now.

Nothing really anyone can say but I just wanted to come past and say that I'm still here but not.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

It is nice to see you...even though I totally know you are here when not here. That window sill looks like a perfect spot for squishy and me to hang out. I hope the big scratch has settled now. Who the heck needs a whole team of people appearing! It's super ok for you to feel iffy. I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone at the break place probably feels a bit iffy on arrival. It's also super ok to crash. Actually, it is probably better than ok - it's probably quite a good thing, even though it might feel super yuck. Holding it together is SO hard and SO exhausting. Your body (including your brain) is probably just kind-of going "ahhhhhhhhhh we made it." Us humans aren't designed to exist in an ongoing state of stress. We are supposed to freak out when a lion appears, get a burst of stress hormones that makes us run super fast, and then crash in a heap once the lion has decided not to eat us after all. Thus the cycle of freak out, react, back to calm should be over and done with within minutes, or hours at the most. We simply aren't designed to be stressed, scared and overwhelmed for super long periods of time. That's why we end up with mushy brains.

I super hope that what you are experiencing right now is your body finally saying "it's ok to stop fighting against all the big stuff, now is the time to crash." I super hope that the break place is...well...a break - a peaceful, restful, restorative break.

Take care my not-here yet here not-friend.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning anyone who is coming past the nest

Last night was awful, except for the fact that I fell asleep at 8pm which was amazing (even if it was wrapped in a giant puddle of self-doubt, hopelessness, it's all too hardness and pink fluffy blanketness). I briefly woke sometime around midnight but went straight back to sleep where I stayed put until ridiculous o'clock this morning.

@Phoenix_Rising thank you very much for seeing and saying that it's ok to crash. I sat with that message in the very dark hours of early this morning, knowing that I completely agree with all of it, but waiting still holding tight until I felt it too. I've now swung back around to deciding that it's ok and maybe even expected, that I would and can crash here. I am keeping an eye on your storm, hoping so much it passes properly soon, and ready to remind you that I'm here even when I'm not.

We just found a very cool rock to sit on and catch the early morning sun, listening to birds. I've got a really hard form to fill out, hard because I see eleventy million ways to answer each question and there's really only 5 possible boxes for them so it's square peg round hole stuff for me right now. I despise these forms and my head hurts with them every time. TinyTurtle and Squishy are sitting alongside me, reminding me that this is all part of it though, like the scratches that occur from ships in white between business hours M-F. Doing this stuff is part of why a break place is available, so that means it is helpful for me to go along with it, even if it hurts my soul.

My plan today is to go slow while keeping my eyes open for opportunities that might be steps forward. Not so much looking for them, but remaining aware that they might be around, even if I think nothing at all can help now. People can recover from this stuff, I really believe it. I don't know why I don't think I'm one of them, but I'm tipping it's because of the extent of the muddle. Resting, crocheting (gently), and trying to be a little tiny weeny bit easier on myself is the way I'm spending the day I think.

Hope today has something good in it for everyone

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