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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you today @CheerBear hoping all goes well.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Me too ❣️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Love, love, love the new avatar pic @CheerBear. It completely one ups the one I posted and I absolutely love it. 💜💜💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Rough day @CheerBear?.

Feel free to ignore. Here if you need/want to vent unless you’re like me and holding it all in which is causing just as much brain chaos.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Really rough day @Teej. I did a rainbow walk to get to the clinic today though, and it helped. Not sure if you remember sharing that one?

Break is an "if" catt agree, it's likely to be a couple of weeks for an assessment there, and catt are not as happy keeping their distance as I hoped/expected. It's 😞

Are you going OK tonight? Thank you for popping by x

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yeah I still do the rainbow walk sometimes @CheerBear 🙂

im sorry it’s not looking as promising as it was. Are they wanting to offer you other options to stay at home? I’m so annoyed and sorry that 'the system' is back creating hoops to jump through so you can have some sanity timeand regain strength.

My stuff is actually a little the same I guess. Didn’t realise it until writing this. It’s about systems and trying to find the help I need just now instead of creating more stress and distress. I’m rollercoasting between 'I can do this' and ' im done and there is no hope'. Today has been full on swinging between both. Im ok though just venting a little bit too.

I hope the CAT team try some real communication. The thing I’ve learned is that they have to have lots of meetings before a decision is made (it also has to be made higher up the chain) and then they need lots of meetings to get everyone on the same page :face_with_rolling_eyes:.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I think I'll get there, there's lots of me needing to behave and to jump hoops first maybe @Teej, and fear it can be off the cards if I don't. And I'm tired and easily shaken and they can shake well. I don't think they mean to, but it doesn't stop it.

Gosh it's hard having to do this in the brokenness of the systems sometimes. Hearing you. It can make finding the right support so difficult that sometimes whether it's worth it seems the question. It's not OK 😞 Also getting the "I can do this" and "I'm done" swing. My frustration is so much with myself at the moment, for the things I am saying to myself. Things like "I can't do this" when somewhere inside I think I know I can and I will but if I know I can then why go there in the first place?! Grrr me.

Bit of a laugh with the meetings. It's so true :S

Is any kind of break/time out something you can get do.you think?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Did you get to message your psychologist about this? It might help if they go in to bat again for you. I hope my last message wasn’t too negative. I know that at one point it was only my therapist who really pushed that changed things.

Just saw your response. It’s good to know it’s still on the cards. Blooming ironic that we have to learn to jump through hoops like monkeys but when we act like monkeys we are scorned. Sorry cynical brain a bit on overload.

my respite stuff isn’t looking good. A few months ago 'the system' was going to put in place a few days respite every three months or so BUT the only place they could put me was a psych ward. At the time I was so desperate I would have taken that as an option. But that seems to haven fallen by the wayside (as so it should as we have people sitting in emergency departments for days who are desperately needing a mh bed) and there has been no communication about it since.

So the CATT told me to see if I could find any respite places myself and gave a few numbers to try. There were two still doing it. As of last week June 1st you need a ndis package to use them. That is now impossible. I’ve asked my therapist to ring and see if there is any way I can go with out that funding but she hasn’t got around to it yet.

im just hurt and confused about so many things like you are I think.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I realise it’s past pumpkin hour for you @CheerBear. All good if you don’t see this until the morning. I have something to post for you that I think I have a loophole for now. It’s just a pic that may not get through moderation without a tweak 😉😃

hugs 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Not too negative at all @Teej (my psych called me negative Nancy on Friday haha). I'll save asking psych until after I meet the catt psychiatrist if I need, which I thought was happening today but I have to go back to the clinic for that another time. Catt want to call my GP and MH worker and they'll go in to bat for me if needed, for sure. It's crackers, some of the things that happen and the way our reactions to those things are what is judged :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I'm sorry to hear about your respite places now being NDIS funded. I wish there was more funding or support for prevention/respite so it didn't have to get further. It sounds like you've been dragged along a bit too. It's Just. So. Ugh. Sometimes.

(By the way, I had a bit of a laugh coming across chill unicorn on her angry pet t-rex for my avatar. I was going to ask you whether I could use Spiderman with a "wisdom scroll" but it was about 3:30 this morning and I couldn't wait until you were online so i went searching. I liked her style a lot and she reminded me of spiderman 😊 )

Looking forward to the pic. Thanks for the listening and the lift you've given me tonight 💗👋
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