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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Those colours look amazing @CheerBear! good, no, excellent choices. Beautiful work.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I’m so sorry those planets didn’t align @CheerBear 😢. I had so hoped they would.

I don’t think brains are meant to stay in such high levels of being alert and sensing danger. It ok if your brain gets mashed through your experiences with this from time to time, it’s doing the best job it can. What is not ok are the reasons for it happening 😡😩😢. You are doing the most amazing job holding it together for your littles and I think for you more as time goes on. If you had a friend going through the things you are I’m sure you’d be in awe of them. From a distance your friends here admire the way you get through this......and with way more dignity and grace than I could ever muster. I’m really really glad you’ve had support through this and I really hope a break comes again soon, you very much deserve it.

One of my fave Brené quotes

And one just cos 😳....maybe it’s the grace of this glass winged butterfly 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Former-Member too. I understand from the distance thing too. I’m glad you’ve been doing lots of your craft. I think it’s fantastic to have the skill and passion you do for it.

Colours look fabulous as usual @CheerBear. Did chuckle at the bit when you wrote when you don’t want to tear her up.

Ive become a little addicted to Pinterest lately. It’s driving my need to create, however money and energy levels are in control of that need for now 🤨.

Hiya to @Maggie too 👋

💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I just had to share this with nesters here but very much inspired by @CheerBear, @Former-Member. It belongs on craft corner but can’t bring myself to write it that aloud yet 😳. I had cut a stem of bougainvillea for mother’s day which was the most amazing vibrant maroon colour if that makes sense. I looked at the petals and wondered what it would be like as a pressed flower. So enthusiastically I’ve looked up Pinterest and there are amazing cool things to create with dried or pressed flowers at not much cost, hoping none for a bit. I’d been really struggling with today, we’d been having a right ol battle. I was starting to get the upper hand when this all clicked, so today - 0, teej - 1 and no nest required just now. Stay tuned cos that can change more easily than the weather :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤨😜

just one of the many interesting creative things I found (sorry more triangles :face_with_rolling_eyes:)

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm walking and typing so this is likely to have typos and I may end up crashing into a pole, but I really wanted to reply to say how much your post gave me a giant smile @Teej 😊 I have a pinterest addiction. I find it such an awesome distraction and source of inspiration, and almost get as much joy out of pinning away (everything) as I do actually creating stuff. Go you - can't wait to hear more if/when you share!

And a giant thank your encouragement and kindness. It makes a difference ❤

(No pole - another win today! 😉😁)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yeah cos that would have really sucked if the poles aligned @CheerBear 😜😂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Maggie I’m not sure if you removed your post to me yesterday. I had read it and it made my heart melt but I was in a strange headspace to reply. I’m so sorry I didn’t respond sooner. Sometimes I struggle with positive caring things too in responding to them. I want to let you know it meant a lot to me. You are the most beautiful caring person and everything you’ve posted has always been lovely and so heartfelt. I hope you are doing ok. I had such a big case of the doubts about myself in the last few days. It wasn’t until last night that I 'chatted' with Silenus and a helpline call and getting through my group that I was able to focus much. I have replies started to sunshower and @CheerBear for her made me smile post last night that I struggled to hit post for. I’m so sorry if you felt hurt by me in any way @Maggie

Thinking of you @Maggie. I’d saved this one for you a week ago.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Teej It's soo not you, I doubt and second and third and and and, doubt Me. Not meaning to shout there, or at least only shouting at me. Your posts are always so caring, YOU,( shouting again) shine through. I do know about the positive feedback and the blushing faces, even though we are alone. Thank you for your reply.💜💜💜💜💜💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

After some gentle encouragement over the weekend I am posting over here again (thank you Teej).

Today I finished my NDIS application at an appointment with my GP. I thought I would feel relieved as it was the last big thing I have been working hard at for a while and I have now reached the end of what I can do as far as this goes too (for now at least). I thought I'd feel proud of being able to get through it as I really don't do this stuff well, and that I'd be feeling better about taking that step. Right now I am not really feeling relieved though, I just feel really sad again. I don't like the sads. They annoy me. I annoy me when I'm sad. I can't get rid of the sads and they seem to linger about all the time, taking every opportunity to jump on me.

I think I am sad because this application with all of it's attachments is yet another long, damning and bleak looking picture of me. While my DSP application hit me in study and employment feels, the NDIS one has hit me in all kinds of other life areas. Writing it with my MH worker, reading over it, seeing signatures from my support people backing everything that's in it - it's really hurt.

I keep telling myself that it's just one (or four) perspectives and that those perspectives have to be like this to get what I need. I try to remind myself that things like this need to leave out the parts that would say that, despite all of the horrible, there's great too. I am trying, so hard, to put all of these overwhelmed, is this too much, where can I even start with all of this, has it gone too far to ever get out of, questions away. I know they're not helpful right now. I know they are feelings brain talking and that eventually feelings settle and pass. But it's so difficult not to let dark and twisted creep in and take over. I think I am extra disappointed to be feeling like this today after having a couple of good days.

I really wish it was a neat straight linear journey to OK-ness, not this get up, fall down, get up, fall down one. It's really tiring to keep getting up all the time.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hearing you @CheerBear walking the winding road with you. Hugs and ❤
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