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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Not sure if you wanted to be acknowledged @CheerBear but saw you around and thought I’d check in to see how things are going?

Just lost over an hour sitting in my car in my head a procrastinator going home but left my ignition on with the fan on 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:. Flat battery the result. Can’t start my car but have called roadside service, it may be an hour or more which is fine. I deserve it for being a goose but has nothing I needed urgently.

Edited to say if you don’t feel like talking that’s ok too. Add me to the gorgeous people here sitting with you. 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Teej (and hi and big thanks to the lovely sitting people).

I'm a little lost for words I think. I have a bit of grrr everything about me happening, knowing that's dark and twisty head talking so trying to ignore it.

So annoying about the battery. I hope it doesn't take too long to get sorted. I had a moment the other day/week and thiugh of "goose moment". I discovered how to turn a light on in my car (the one on the roof). I've had this car for years and always wondered why it was missing a switch to turn that light on. Face palm when I found it.

I'm going to get the blanket I am making and sit quietly for a little while I think. That will feel good. I'm making a round of tulips next from memory.

Hugs and thanks ❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I get that @CheerBear some days it’s just too hard to put words down. I hope doing your blanket gives you some breathing space for a bit. Get warm and snuggly.

The battery in the scheme of things is ok. I got to say hi to you and a few others. I went to group today and it helped to turn on my brain enough to communicate again......although reading my lost above I’m not sure I’m communicating in English 😳😆.

Take good care of you. I’m so crossing my fingers and toes that planets align for you to have a break. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Waves to @CheerBear I forgot to say in the other place that your choice of colour will be perfect whatever you choose. My only consideration would be the amount you have left to fulfil the brief of the pattern requirments, but, you can always get more if needed.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi to anyone who might be reading. Wanting to write for a couple of reasons. One is to say that my planets did not align for me to get the break I was hoping for. It was disappointing and frustrating to try and to seem to get nowhere, but it is what it is. It doesn't mean I won't have the chance another time, but it won't be happening soon.

The scary thing that I couldn't write about until now was that again, pretty recently, I found myself working with a support service through things like emergency accommodation options, preparing to leave in a hurry if needed, being encouraged to contact police etc. It feels like I am constantly waiting for things to go bang again with good reason to believe they will, while doing everything I can to prevent it and trying to accept that there's only so much I or anyone can really do to stop it. This stuff is completely head mashing and causes big problems for me :face_with_rolling_eyes:

After a helpful conversation with someone and some processing time, I can feel a tiny bit of a shift maybe. Things are far from awesome but the way they are is OK enough for now because it has to be. I know life would be so much easier if certain things were different, but despite constantly feeling like I don't want to or can't do it, and worrying how much longer I can keep going, I still do what I need to do. Sometimes it takes a bit of helping me to remember that to come around again, but I seem to get there eventually.

I feel a little less dark, sinking in heaviness and completely terrified of everyone and everything today, and maybe more able to keep on keeping on because of it. I did a big grocery shop this morning. It was a little step that has felt like an impossible to take leap for the last while so I am celebrating that small win/baby step at the moment. It feels good ☺

Thanks if you read this far 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

There's been so much going on for you @CheerBear and it's felt so difficult to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've done really well to perservere and despite things feeling impossible, you did it anyway. I hope you celebrate every single one of those wins. You've earned them! 🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello dear @CheerBear. Oh goodness @Teej.

Hugs from a distance for both of you. (I can't bear to be touched right now hence the 'from a distance')

@CheerBear I've had many thoughts of how you are going and wondering if those planets aligned or not for you over the past while. I'm so sorry they did not, so so sorry.

And so sorry about the other stuff too. I so know what that is like.

I wanted to drop by to say Hello, you are thought of often. I have been powering through the crochet Red Thing, at change of pattern count, the outer ring was 493 stitches. I'm doing a pattern every 17 stitches and will work it for 10 rows or more if I feel like it. It's a changing thing.

I hope Sophie is giving you comfort.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear that big shop is more than a baby step, good on you. All the other stuff is heavy, scary stuff. I'm sorry the planets didn't align for a break for you, I hope somewhere sometime in the future they do. It's so good to read and see you around, another big step. I'm not much with words at the best of times, all the feels in the world, just can't get it out. So lots of feels with you right now. 💕💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you Margot, SunShower and Maggie, heaps.

@Former-Member it's so nice to see you. So great to hear Red Thing is happening as it is. Love changing, evolving, growing, crafty things. Sophie is comforting when I don't want to tear her up ;). Verrrrrry slow going lately, and I'm ok with that.

Distance hugs for you for your tough times, and thinking of you often also ❤

@Maggie also so great to see you too. I'm so glad you're around, for you and for us. Full of feels too - it makes words hard sometimes. Yours are perfect, just as they are. Thank you for understanding 💗

I'm going to keep the momentum going and tackle washing so that hopefully later I can play nicely with my blanket making. Hope there's good in the day for all.

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