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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Teej for speaking from your kind, wise, experienced mum heart to my scared, overwhelmed and so completely inexperienced when it comes to this, one. And for having the courage to be vulnerable.

I will come back to your post and properly process it and take it on board over the coming days, I'm sure.

So many thoughts and feelings reading your shame experience share. A pretty scrambled brain can't reply with the right words tonight but I wanted to say that I hear and feel you Teej, and really appreciate you for being you.

❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Public school here ..... private school baby dragons ...... teacher Mum and other family members ....... teacher-trained me ......

I concur with @Teej ...... 💕

@CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You know what @CheerBear. You don’t need to respond 💜🤗, you already have. I wrote that for you more than me. The part for me came from all the learning I did on the way. It’s been going over in my mind since Saturday when you posted. I’m more than happy to answer any questions or thoughts that are strong but the info and my thoughts were for you.

@Maggie I saw your post to me after I posted. Thank you for your kind words too. 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

😘 Thank you @Teej and @Faith-and-Hope.

Going to take my scramble to bed for brain numbing shows and purring cat love. And some sleeping assistance tonight I think. Night 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight @CheerBear ...... 💐💤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Thinking of you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear. I want to apologise for something. I realise the timing of my big post was lousy for you. You have your head in so much paper work and big days everyday I’d imagine my post ended up more overwhelming than helpful. I’m sorry that it ended up that way. I’ve now managed to do this twice in the last fortnight 😣.

Anyway just wanted to send a I’m thinking of you in the quagmire of form hell. It’s really made me think today especially reading the other thread how destructive just seeking support from government organisations really is.

Found this on Pinterest the other day and thought of you, I’m not sure why but I think maybe the green in the petals. I thought they were quite striking. I hope you are managing lots of self care 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @Teej ❤ That night we had been at an info session all about exactly what you'd written about and it was going through my head anyway. It's always going through my head. At the info session I watched mine listen, take notes, write questions, and then approach a pretty big person to find the answers, confidently and with enthusiasm (you mentioned driven, strong minded, motivated - that's them and I saw it happen only a couple of hours before your post). Part of my dilemma has been about putting my own beliefs about things (like not doing the high pressure thing at school with pretty young people, and my belief in co-ed mainstream public education) aside, to try to do what's right and best for them that they want. Talking it out and getting the perspectives and experiences of everyone who has kindly shared, has helped me find my way. The paperwork for this one is due very soon, and after a couple of school tours, we will know what to do and it will be as right as a decision like this can be right now ☺

I'm overwhelmed with these things all happening and due at about the same time. Each is big, time consuming and full of feels, but hearing experiences and perspectives, doesn't make it bigger or harder. It helps me feel less alone, it helps me organise my own thoughts, and it shows me that people care. Those things really do mean heaps to me.

I'm on my way to the bank in a moment so I can get some atm slips and finally be able to submit the DSP application. Today I made progress on the NDIS stuff and even though it hurt, I was honest about how much of an impact this all has on my life. I've got a plan re school now too. It's been trying (understatement there), but I'm getting there and it's helped to be here through it.

That flower is beautiful, thank you 😊 It's so unusual and I love the spots and green.

I hope you are having an ok/good moment day. I have a photo of a smile thing for me (a quirky me thing) to put up in a smile thread that made me think of you, later.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Just purring in to say hi and hope you have an okish night.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi there @CheerBear and others in the nest too.

Here's some kind and caring thoughts for all going through,or who have been through, or even who are about to go through, this mind numbingly disheartening process.

For such a well trodden path, it sure seems very dark, lonesome, and overgrown with things seemingly well placed to trip us up as we try to traverse all the twisting turns and meanderings!

CheerBear, that term 'disenfranchised grief' is an excellent one. I had not heard it before but it so very well encompasses so much of my personal experiences. I'm surprised it's been around for so long, yet even with the types of study I did at university level, it was not included when it really should have been.

Thank you for sharing that here, it has given me a new insight into dealing with these things for myself. I've always understood the concept, just not know what to call it, nor how to get my own needs addressed by professionals - this term might help with that, so thank you.

You're doing so well, hon, but I know you will still feel like you aren't doing enough. I think that's part of being a concerned and caring parent, but it's also part of that disenfranchised grief process - you have to depend on others (those who hold the power) to help you make informed decisions about the things you don't know enough about.

I think, for me at least, this is why it's so important to have the input about experiences from others, like we get here. It's really important to know about how others found a situation so we can use that information for our own decisions.

I know sometimes people don't like sharing, for many reasons, and I can respect that too, cos I don't/ can't always share as much info as I'd like to sometimes, but reading about the gist of an experience can still be so, so helpful to our own next step processes. And as you say, makes one feel less alone.

I really value those who have the courage and determination to share their varying depths of experience, because it's not easy, no matter how easy it might appear to be, it's not.

Regarding schooling, public school here, other siblings varyingly obtained scholarships that external from family obtained for them, I myself was outright denied the offer by my part time employer of being put through pharmaceutical education in my final high school year. I can sometimes feel very resentful for that, but it belongs to another issue.

My eldest did some private and some public, we moved much, so not consistent with quality of either public or private education. The others were only public, there was no financial possibility of anything else. Financial hardship meant even the public school provided leniency on fees etc. They all did very well with schooling despite the other troubles, so that's something. All went on to uni under their own steam.

While I deeply wish things had been other than what they were, the situation with the other parent, the subsequent involvment of so many protective agencies and the need for secrecy and security meant it could not be anything else and retain positive outcomes.

Do what you can do, the best you can at any given time and there is nothing you then have to regret NOT having done. Being unable to make a different decision is a regret of a different nature and colour, and usually not within your capability to have been able to change, so is not something to hold onto forever. (reminder to self here)

I constantly minimised things, which was really unhelpful when it came to the application forms. Final interview, after a series of things went awry, a lovely woman asked a few really simple but pointed questions, and got the most unexpected and embarrassing reaction known to womankind, and the application was approved. The whole thing was over. Her kindness and skilled response that day in the face of my extraordinary breakdown was legendary.

Point is - they need to see the person you are now, having been subjected to all that has gone before, it's ugly, it's embarrassing, and it's something you try to hide from the world, but the truth is, that's what real for now, that's what's going to get you the help you need now.

It may not always be who you are, but right now, you need the help they can give.

Hold onto the essentials that are you @CheerBear, the innate kindness, the consideration for others, the love and protection for your children, the hunger for a better way of life, the wish to make something in the world that bit better and all the other things you know about yourself! These are the things that remain eternal, the rest changes moment by moment, and while important to living well, are of less importance to the essence of CheerBear. (lecture over )

Eh, feel like I may have over or improperly disclosed, if so, tell me, I'll remove it.

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