Hi there @CheerBear and others in the nest too.
Here's some kind and caring thoughts for all going through,or who have been through, or even who are about to go through, this mind numbingly disheartening process.
For such a well trodden path, it sure seems very dark, lonesome, and overgrown with things seemingly well placed to trip us up as we try to traverse all the twisting turns and meanderings!
CheerBear, that term 'disenfranchised grief' is an excellent one. I had not heard it before but it so very well encompasses so much of my personal experiences. I'm surprised it's been around for so long, yet even with the types of study I did at university level, it was not included when it really should have been.
Thank you for sharing that here, it has given me a new insight into dealing with these things for myself. I've always understood the concept, just not know what to call it, nor how to get my own needs addressed by professionals - this term might help with that, so thank you.
You're doing so well, hon, but I know you will still feel like you aren't doing enough. I think that's part of being a concerned and caring parent, but it's also part of that disenfranchised grief process - you have to depend on others (those who hold the power) to help you make informed decisions about the things you don't know enough about.
I think, for me at least, this is why it's so important to have the input about experiences from others, like we get here. It's really important to know about how others found a situation so we can use that information for our own decisions.
I know sometimes people don't like sharing, for many reasons, and I can respect that too, cos I don't/ can't always share as much info as I'd like to sometimes, but reading about the gist of an experience can still be so, so helpful to our own next step processes. And as you say, makes one feel less alone.
I really value those who have the courage and determination to share their varying depths of experience, because it's not easy, no matter how easy it might appear to be, it's not.
Regarding schooling, public school here, other siblings varyingly obtained scholarships that external from family obtained for them, I myself was outright denied the offer by my part time employer of being put through pharmaceutical education in my final high school year. I can sometimes feel very resentful for that, but it belongs to another issue.
My eldest did some private and some public, we moved much, so not consistent with quality of either public or private education. The others were only public, there was no financial possibility of anything else. Financial hardship meant even the public school provided leniency on fees etc. They all did very well with schooling despite the other troubles, so that's something. All went on to uni under their own steam.
While I deeply wish things had been other than what they were, the situation with the other parent, the subsequent involvment of so many protective agencies and the need for secrecy and security meant it could not be anything else and retain positive outcomes.
Do what you can do, the best you can at any given time and there is nothing you then have to regret NOT having done. Being unable to make a different decision is a regret of a different nature and colour, and usually not within your capability to have been able to change, so is not something to hold onto forever. (reminder to self here)
I constantly minimised things, which was really unhelpful when it came to the application forms. Final interview, after a series of things went awry, a lovely woman asked a few really simple but pointed questions, and got the most unexpected and embarrassing reaction known to womankind, and the application was approved. The whole thing was over. Her kindness and skilled response that day in the face of my extraordinary breakdown was legendary.
Point is - they need to see the person you are now, having been subjected to all that has gone before, it's ugly, it's embarrassing, and it's something you try to hide from the world, but the truth is, that's what real for now, that's what's going to get you the help you need now.
It may not always be who you are, but right now, you need the help they can give.
Hold onto the essentials that are you @CheerBear, the innate kindness, the consideration for others, the love and protection for your children, the hunger for a better way of life, the wish to make something in the world that bit better and all the other things you know about yourself! These are the things that remain eternal, the rest changes moment by moment, and while important to living well, are of less importance to the essence of CheerBear. (lecture over
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Eh, feel like I may have over or improperly disclosed, if so, tell me, I'll remove it.