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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

My mum wore a string of beads everyday ...... se strung them with fishing line so my babies could play with them without risk that they would break and a bead would be swallowed .....

So beads are a composite touchstone for me @CheerBear ....... sharing the thought because physical items can help provide us with emotional support this way.

Think of beads / wear beads, to remind you to push each one a little further behind you ...... and only focus on the next one or two along the line ...... and make them attractive, whether in your mind’s eye or on your wrist, or sewn on a jacket, or whatever .....

Well done ..... you’ve put that one behind you ❤️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for sharing @Faith-and-Hope. Baby steps, beads, stitch by (annoying painful) slow stitch - they add up. Wish I could share the importance of something kind of similar to beads in my life here. It's been a thing since I was little, and a thing one of mine has now too. It's kind of goosebumpy to hear you talk of them too.

Hope today is going ok/well for you ❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

❤️ @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Wow @CheerBear I have never seen you change your avatat. It's very different and interesting. Can you share what this one is about?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's thrown me a few times @Sans911, looking at the home screen and wondering who was behind the new avatar haha. I was Christmas cheer in December so I've changed it before, kind of.

I saw it and got me in the feels and I think maybe I can relate to it a bit. It's a bunny on a swing on their own under a rainbow in the darkness. Not at all twisty and complicated 😉. Knowing me it will last like 5 seconds and I'll have it back to CB belly badge style again ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Can relate to your new avatar @CheerBear - the pleasantness of comforting night, lit by the filtered glow of an overhead rainbow - silently enjoying swinging where there is usually noise and rambunctious children - the wonder of time for quiet contemplation amidst the turmoil.

What can I say, it spoke to me ...

Doing that application stuff is tough, well done you for finishing it. (I wanted to share some words, not because I want to tell you how to be, but because knowing about how other people felt through stuff helps me to find my own way, and I think, maybe, might help you to feel you're not so awfully alone as it feels right now.)

There is a sort of line of demarcation when one submits those forms, isn't there. A statement relating to the person that once was and the person that is now and what all of that might mean - across a number of levels. The physical inabilities for me were the hardest to personally accept, because they came about as a result of things that were done to me, not by me.

It's all scary stuff, but then there's a window of new opportunity, in a way. While accepting the changes that have come about mean your plans for how life would be now have had to be altered, this new situation might offer a different, and perhaps more inclusive end result still encompassing your original plans. At the very least it should offer opportunities that reduce the level of worry and stress, if only for for a time.

There's a grieving process I discovered, too, hon, so don't be too hard on yourself if you feel a bit low from it all. Acceptance doesn't always come easily. Know it's okay to let yourself grieve for the loss of expectation too. Let yourself do whatever it is you need to do to feel okay.

I love @Faith-and-Hope's analogy of beads. Beautiful beads.

Thinking of you @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I did the tearing up thing when i read your reply again @Former-Member. It was the good kind of ones, thank you. Your take on my profile pic is perhaps a little (a lot) more postitive than mine was when I chose it. Hearing it has added something else to it which I really like.

Thank you, so much, for sharing what you have in the way you did. I am so sorry that you have experienced things being done to you that resulted in those inabilities. I've been doing some soul searching, wondering exactly what it is that has been so hard about this. A big part of it is some of that physical side. I don't talk about what happened there. I go to some lala land of tight ball shakiness when it is even close to being spoken of. It's a read beween the lines thing in a way, so people know but don't. And it's because it was, at least in part, a 'done to me' too.
Hearing your thoughts on these kinds of documents outlining the person who was and the person who now is, I relate to. I read these and I don't even know who the person they are speaking of is. It's not the person I was. It's not who I recognise. I don't want it to be me. I was so different, not too long ago, and I will never be the same again.
There is loss in ways I am still clearly coming to terms with. The initial people, places, community, home, stuff I have worked on. In my moments of darkness, this has felt like the final blow to my dreams, goals, the future I had planned and worked so hard for, the expectations as you mentioned, and the old me.
Feeling what I felt reading your reply, made me think of a term I learnt only a few days ago - disenfranchised grief. I was thinking of it in relation to something else, but I think it applies here in a way too. It's the unheard, the dismissed, the not acknowledged, the not understood that I think often causes painful silence and suffering, and the way these processes work are completely full of it.
I'm sitting in a place that feels very much like rock bottom. I know I am here so I can rebuild on some kind of stable and secure ground, but it hurts. It's much easier to get back up and keep going when I feel heard and understood as I so often feel here. Thanks for the not so alone feels

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Haven't caught up with how you are yet, but dropping these off. Bit chilly under the tree, at least in Tassie.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @Maggie it's so great to see you! Thank you.

I'm outside giving the plants a drink, escaping a 'world is ending over who gets what in a lunch box' situation. It's chilly here also, though there's sun starting to warm everything up.

One for you (she's a bit sad looking at the moment, but hanging in there). She grows where the Daphne was.

💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Hope the lunchbox situation settled. You sent me out to my garden to take this, just for you. Thankyou for your pic, lovely to see some blooms still happening.

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