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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ((((( CheerBear ))))))) hearing you about how you feel.

If I may offer something I've learned from past experiences.

You bother because it's not in you to do anything else. This is part of who you are, the essence of CheerBear.

The results and the understanding of why you bother might not come clear until a few years down the track when you notice how the effort you put in even when it seems too much from all directions has paid off for you, for your little ones and for multiple other reasons.

Find the part that resonates with what you can do now, just for now, and nothing further.

Let yourself rest in the shallows, allow yourself to recover between each step and each resting place. A spot of bright comfort for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Those colours are so pretty @Teej, thanks.

I think your fixit is right. I've felt it for months and tried at the start of the year. I was ready and willing and I couldn't get anyone to help in the way I need help to get there so I just kept going, but here I am again. Crashy for a few days I can deal with. Crashed like this for longer than that starts to get me worried.

I let my helpful person know the other day that it was getting really hard again. There's nothing anyone but me can do and taking that kind of break is really not so much an option, although I know it would do the world of good. My person would be there if it was an emergency, but I really could use a hand before it gets worse. I can see what might help, I just can't get it and it sucks. I'm so sad.

Thank you @frog for understanding, though I'm sorry it probably comes from a place of similar experience with dark grey-ness.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I got all teary reading your post @Former-Member (granted that's like an absolute go-to thing at the moment) thank you. You're very right about bother. It's like hope and looking for good and trying. It's inside and it fades but it doesn't ever go away. Today all I wanted was to not be me because it would be way easier if I didn't have this annoying thing inside that says to keep going.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post the other day. It gave me such a boost. Thank you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just a quick question @CheerBear. If you could find a break place to take you for respite could you do it? I know that a few organisations do it and you don’t need to be linked in with CATT. I know it’s something I need. I wind up until I blow up still. Not sure what’s going to happen but apparently they are going to try to write some planned respite into my plan. I know different states, different systems. Do NEAMI have them your way and how do you get in. They were here but funding got slashed and they closed. I was also told to look into Mifsa (now Skylight) because they have places you can self refer. I’ve not tried to know. I really hope I’m not leading you up a garden path with this info and I get that right now your brain doesn’t want to know if it involves more paper work and more hoops to jump through. It’s ok to ignore this too.

Sorry for fixit brain. I’ll get off that wagon if it’s not helpful. 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I love your fixit brain @Teej. I can relate because I own one too.

The break place would be as simple as me sending a text message to my psych saying "please". The model works very well with me and I've benefited enormously both times. Psych reminds me every appointment that it's there, as my GP often does also. I'd need to go through CATT but if it was done in the way it should have been done last time which is via psych who is a CATT clinician in a different area so they have some connections (how I've worked nicely-ish with psych for years given that is still something we laugh about), rather than triage, it would be a quick referral in and out of CATT, avoiding the horrendous process I went through this time last year. They also know me a lot better now in terms of history and what works/doesn't, so even if CATT were involved, it wouldn't be as bad now.

It's the little/little-ish people that is the barrier. I went as far as researching other people/organisations to help at the start of the year, and there's a gap in the system there. Unless it's a CP thing, there's literally nothing. In a yuck twist, they may be eligible for a break from me, but that's a world I'm not going near either.

That was a ramble, sorry. Fixit is helpful and I'm open to any suggestions, but there's a fairly good chance they're things I'm trying/have tried and hit closed doors or not options with. It doesn't mean I wouldn't listen and feel really thankful to anyone who wants to try though.

It's good to hear someone is looking into planned respite with/for you. I can see how it can and would seriously help. Wind up until blow up isn't fun. I read your chapters the other day. My head couldn't comment at the time, but I felt all the feels. Great to see you around.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Have things to sort out just now but I’d like to respond a bit later @CheerBear.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh, love I hear you @CheerBear with all of that. Sorry for the tears, hope they, and the words of understanding helped a bit though. I have to stop myself from trying to fix things for others too ... it's part of who I am as well.
I wrote about finally getting out from under the cloud/ mountain of hurt over there ----> today/ tonight. I think I saw your like too. And don't worry about not responding to every post ... I get it .. it's not always possible.

I get too the little fish being able to find respite but not in a best for all outcome and nothing being there for you - I thought things might have changed for the better in that regard since my time on that particular round-a-bout. The best I could do was after-school care for a time while I was at uni.

I'm so glad that some of my ramblings can give you a boost. It means a lot. I wish I could do more.

Look after you, it is not being self centred, it is being wise, because you cannot look after the littles if you are not well yourself.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I read your post @Former-Member and thought about how hard things were for you not so long ago, when you were under the mountain of hurt. It's so good to hear you're no longer there. It's a great reminder that things can and do change. Things always change in some way (reminder to self while I sit in a 'feels like it's never going to change' place).

I'm hurting in a huge way. In so many ways. I think it gets better and then more hurt happens and it mixes with all the other hurt and feels so consuming. Little hurts become big hurts, and big hurts feel devastating. I just want it to stop hurting so much. I think it's been long enough now and I want it over.

One of my world changing ideas was to somehow fix that particular gap that's there for people who struggle but who have littler people who need them. We need proper support to prevent total crisis meltdown that can come from this kind of situation. I get flyers on positive parenting and links to websites that have ideas for routines and activities and fun bonding stuff. It's helpful in the 'thanks for reminding me of that' way, but what I really need is quality time out so I can breathe and stop and rest, and continue to do all of the things I know how to do. It sucks that it sounds like it hasn't changed since your time too.

Thanks for listening and for your kindness

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear 💟🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I slept last night. I think crashed hit a point where it was a switch off and crash in bed thing. It really helped to spill here and be heard. Sleep works wonders. Everything feels worse with lack of sleep. I know one decent night of sleep won't change everything, but it will make today easier and that will really help.
Yesterday I put pen to paper with the DSP application, which is probably part of the trigger that led to the messy head meltdown. I was up very early stressing about it because it felt so incredibly overwhelming. I don't do paperwork at the best of times and this paperwork is horrible. There are hundreds of questions. Most don't apply to me but some are pretty soul and heart destroying. I thought of baby steps @Faith-and-Hope. I kept saying it again and again to myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish it yesterday as there are questions I can't answer, but I kept telling myself that any question I was able to answer would be one more question down, and eventually I'd get through it. I have about 15 left, out of more than 200 numbered boxes. I now have post-it notes on the parts I can't answer and I'm planning on going in on Monday to take the next steps. My reports and documents advocate for more than twice the points required for DSP, on the grounds of physical and mental health disabilities. I was shocked, and I shouldn't be but I was. I live in "I can" land, and this has been an enormous "you really can't" blow. This is why I have avoided this process. I knew it would do this to me.
I have the house owner coming over today, again, for the second time this week. The house is falling apart and they don't want to fix it. They don't like to give me notice of entry and negotiating a time with them is so difficult. I find myself stuck knowing my rights and wanting to assert myself, but knowing the reality that I can't risk p&*^ing them off and losing here or tarnishing my rental record more than it already has been.
This week I also organised some things for one of mine. It's entry exams and scholarship applications, and more paperwork and phone calls. It's felt like huge pressure to do everything I can to give them the opportunities they deserve, while trying to accept that there really is only so much I can actually do.
When I am not feeling quite so full of crappy feelings about myself, I can see that, as much as I hate that things take so much effort, I can appreciate that I have actually done them. I can see that it's no surprise that I am craving a break again. When thinking about getting out of bed feels like psyching myself up to run a marathon, this stuff can be so draining. Today I can be a teeny tiny little bit more gentle with myself and realise glitchy brain is probably pretty normal and understandable (even if I hate it 😉 ).
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