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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
I haven't had a very good few days and I am feeling pretty (really) sad at the moment. I'm also trying to find this annoying balance between taking some quiet recharge time vs putting the walls up, shutting the world out and isolating myself, and I don't know where that balance is. Not much feels right and lots feels wrong, but here has been right so often that even if it isn't feeling totally right, right now, I'm going to try anyway. I think it's the healthier choice this morning.
Part of my sad has come from a seriously bleak picture of my reality from my psych in a letter. It says things like poor prognosis, little to no potential (for employment), likely to exhibit ongoing acute symptoms despite interventions - that kind of stuff. It feels like a big blow to hope and I really need hope to keep going. I don't know how to be ok if it seems there is no point trying because nothing is likely to get better. I will keep at it, but is it ridiculous and pointless to? Isn't that head meets wall kind of stuff? Or is what I am doing right now "excessive rumination" and "catastrophic misinterpretation" (half laughing)? At least psych left out 'combative', 'hostile' and 'aggressive' which are other words I hear more often than I am ok with (mostly because I genuinely believe that I wouldn't be labeled the way I frequently am if I wasn't female).
The language used and the story told in these letters and documents is harsh. It makes me feel so sad to think that this is what I have become. I feel defeated at the moment and really disappointed with myself in lots of ways. I let myself down and I let other people down, and I don't mean to. Being let down is annoying, but letting myself and the people I care about down, is a different level of stuff. It's dark and twisty shame, guilt, remorse and self-hatred and it's hurting me and eating at me and I'm struggling to shake it. I really wish I could get better and do better, and I wish it could have happened already.
Now I've had a spill session and put some of it out here, as soon as school drop off happens I am hoping to play with some thread (I have crafty news SunShower). School starts back today which is very exciting, especially after we tried to start the term yesterday and realised it was a day off when we arrived at an empty school. I feel like I'm winning at life in so many ways right now 😉:face_with_rolling_eyes:
Thanks for the share space.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear😞💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@chearbear💌🌈
In response to: I'm in a nest
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thinking of you @CheerBear you are finding things hard atm YOU DO AN AMAZING JOB with all that you have going on😍💎🌻🍄🌼
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SnowieSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Sans911, @outlander, @Pepsimax and @Snowie (and Faith-and-Hope, SunShower and Zoe7 for the above) thank you lots. I feel bad sometimes sharing like that as I know there isn't much anyone can probably say. It really does help to have an outlet, to see that people care enough to read (epic CB posts) and to feel like I've been heard. I definitely feel less alone for it and that's a good feeling, which helps with the not so good ones. Much appreciated 💗
In response to: I'm in a nest
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
That's ok @CheerBear we are here for each other
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear, finally awoke from another sleep after posting a good morning to you in the other thread.
You and @eth seem to be experiencing something similar: negative psychological conditioning from all the focus in documents and reports about limitations. It's the opposite of 'strengths-based' therapy, and it's clearly effective on our psyches in a damaging way. I've been through the DSP application process (twice before I got it): nerve-wracking and depressing but ultimately so helpful when it came through in the end. Gentle feelings to you, and patience with the process. Fingers crossed it comes through for you very soon.
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