FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

4,741 - 4,750 of 5,090

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear ..... I do hear you .....

One of my dragons suggested to me last night that maybe they would have preferred our life if we had left ..... little understanding the reality of what they were saying methinks ..... but “ow !” And the thing is, the decision is made, and you’re on this path, and you’re in the business of making the best of this path because there is no going back and choosing the other path ......

And after six years of being told that our situation (read - mr’s behaviours) are not sustainable and his health will give way, revealing the problem and providing the support systems we need, in the last two years (6 - 8 years down the track) I am being told that he has (somewhat incredibly) achieved a form of balance that can potentially keep him locked into this cycle (almost) indefinitely ..... or not .... but where does that leave us ?

Where it leaves us is with our own narrative.

I have rrecently found an online qualified counsellor who is pragmatic and positive about living with mental health issues. She is very animated, but earnest and a straight-talker ...... so for some people that will mean taking her in small doses ...... but she produces YouTube videos zeroing in on areas of concern, based on the questions raised by the body of people who follow along with her ...... they are asking what they want to know about mental health and she is not shying off answering, directly and positively.

Her name is Kati Morton.

A recent video I watched was about the therapy process ...... what it is, and what the goals are. She talks about each of us having a narrative ...... being able to tell the parts of our story that we own, we know how to sit with ...... “such as, I am an artist, I paint” ..... and where we were born ..... what our likes and dislikes are, etc.

What we don’t talk about as a part of our narrative are things that we can’t talk about. We can’t reconcile them ..... we don’t know how to manage them and make them work as a part of our story ...... and that is where therapy comes in. It’s the job of the therapist to help identify where we are stuck, where we are injured, where our behaviour and thoughts create loops ...... and help us, support us, to piece these parts of our narrative together in a way that we can live with ..... in a way that integrates well enough within our story that we can at least function with it, and hopefully, heal.

Trauma therapy works similarly, with much deeper issues and smaller pieces.

From this perspective, the focus is actually on the parts of our narrative that are functional ...... the ways we are carrying forward ..... what is working as opposed to what is not working ..... and supporting and increasing that functionality.

Perhaps you can view the video (if you think that will benefit you) and from there, take the paperwork back to your therapist and ask them to help you understand how it supports your narrative ..... ? What is in the report that encourages your next step to mending another section of your narrative ?

I hope this is helpful to you @CheerBear. That is my intention ......

I intend the next part of my narrative to be returning to art studies. Am working on the nuts and bolts of that at the moment, after some recent events that combined to nudge me in that direction.

💐💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi again @CheerBear ......

I accertain from @Mazarita’s post above that the purpose of the report is in fact to secure a greater level of support and opportunity for you, despite painting a rather bleak picture as a part of achieving that ...... even writing that is hard ..... wow .......

It doesn’t take away from what I suggested above though, if you find it helpful. It just explains why the report is so dreary.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear thinking of you 🐸 one foot after the other 👣

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I agree @Pepsimax ❤

Thanks @Mazarita for understanding. It really can do damage to sit with that for too long. Unfortunately I think, and from what I have heard, it's becoming really difficult to access, if wasn't already before, so we're having to go pretty hard with it and it hurts. My NDIS access letter arrived yesterday so at least I am kind of getting it all over and done with in one go (though I imagine this will continue for a while). So glad to hear that you find the DSP ultimately helpful, even though you too found it depressing to get to. That's hope right there 💗

@Faith-and-Hope thank you for sharing in the open way you have. What I found most helpful over the years was support from a narrative therapist which kind of sounds a little like what you've discussed. These are narrow perspectives, written with a particular focus and the aim of getting something. I think deep down I know there is so much more to these stories, but it doesn't stop the pain when it hits. Having such a strong belief in there being so much more than thin stories for all of us, makes hearing them about myself pretty difficult to swallow.

I'm not sure if I have shared this before, but while I am full of feels, I will. My police statement was very long and very detailed (terribly detailed). It was the most victim story I have ever told and for days I sat doing it (total CB style on the floor under a blanket), fighting the want to add in the survivor story too, being told I couldn't. It broke me. The night I signed it I sat in a dodgy apartment between home and not-home, holding a copy of it, and I started rewriting it from a different perspective. I intended on going through every page and every incident I reported, retelling it. I rewrote one page and that's all I needed to do for it to be enough to be at peace with. I haven't looked at that statement since. If I find myself really badly messy during this process, I'll do the same thing. It helps to be reminded of this kind of stuff, thank you. And I will definitely look into Kati Morton sometime.

It's so great to hear you are returning to uni. I am really happy and excited for you, and looking forward to hearing how you get on. Thank you for hearing me too 😊

Thank you @frog for reading and replying. It feels like stuck, but it's not. It's one (painful, annoying, I totally hate this 😉 ) step in a forward way, at a time.

So glad I posted this morning. Forum power wins again 🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It is so hard to relate the victim story @CheerBear ...... and I am so glad you overwrote it with that one page of survivor story ......

Just voicing it like that helps me too, I think.

💜🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I truly get what you are experiencing. Our reports and letters to support our applications have to focus on things at their worst in order to get enough support. Makes it soooo hard to focus on the positive growth and recovery. Sending strength for you during the process.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you heaps @eth for your understanding. This message was so timely as I received it while walking out of a GP appointment to get more mental health evidence and to do the physical health side also (which is probably behind the way too early start again). It was/is a huge mess of memories I didn't and don't want to revisit, but I did it despite a big want to walk out/run far and fast. Once this letter and documents come through, I can start actually doing the application and submit it.

A positive today, which feels so wrong to think of as a positive, is that my GP thinks I meet the requirements in one physical health table on it's own, and agrees with psych that I meet it for MH also. Adding in another table (not under severe with this one) and the picture is bleaker than I first thought or expected. It's hopefully bleak enough to be accepted, though I realise rarely does anything like this happen without hiccups.

It's so confusing to feel almost relieved that things are this bad. My head can't make sense of the jumble that creates.

I am feeling like rubbish, but I walked out today with this tiny little part of me that feels proud that I'm still here and I'm still trying. This appointment has been playing on my mind for weeks and I got through it. Even with what feels like a hundred million reasons to give up, I'm not going to. And if it comes to it with the NDIS, I'm going remember someone else who didn't give up also.

Thanks again eth (and all) ❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

“It's so confusing to feel almost relieved that things are this bad. My head can't make sense of the jumble that creates.”

Relating ......

Hugs n hugs @CheerBear ..... ❤️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. Hugs to you for being able to relate to that 😔💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearjust something for you...

4,741 - 4,750 of 5,090