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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I want to tell you how much I admire you telling some of your story @Mazarita.
Many here will have experiences that sit uncomfortably inside us and to read another’s so courageously shared makes some of those of our own sit a little less uncomfortably.
💪❤️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Catcakes

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Mr E. Bunny was here.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Unicorn eggs! Best 😁

Thank you Mr E. Bunny (and @Phoenix_Rising) 🦄🐰😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just climbing into the nest for a bit. I’m ok, just feeling sorry for myself and am trying some self care.

How are you going @CheerBear? Ive been thinking about you a bit lately. Your courage, strength and appreciation for the little things is always a source of inspiration for me. 💜🤗

Popping these in to colour the nest

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Teej 😊 It's so nice to see you and thank you for your kind words. I was very close to crawling around looking to see if I could catch you online last night. Anything in particular you're feeling sorry for yourself about, that you want to share?

I'm going ok enough thanks, probably better than I thought I might be doing. I'm little crew-less for a couple of days while I sort some stuff out. Being fishless has good and not-so-good about it, but the peace and quiet is good today. I'm under a lemon tree and it's sunny and chirpy sounding.

I dropped my car off early this morning to be looked at as it's making a funny bumping/ticking sound. I should really learn to go around roundabouts and not over them I think 😉. My car is a bit of a stress thing so I'm crossing fingers it doesn't cost way too much to fix. I have my first DES appointment in a couple of hours too, which I have been dreading until now. There's something about holding my old resume with all its "this is who I was, where I was going, and all I could do", alongside my so-far collected DSP letters with all their "this is who I am now, where I am not going, and all the things I can't do", that can and has really hurt.

I was thinking of you as I have a feeling those kinds of things have the potential to do you what they can do to me, which is shake me up and feel like they'll tip me over. I feel ok today though, and am almost looking forward to going to this appointment (asking myself who even am I right now 😆). Seeing my resume hurt but it reminded me of a me that maybe is still there somewhere and maybe there's a chance I can find some way of getting through stuff to get her back. Maybe they can actually help me do that. I'm holding on to "maybe" I think (and a total snowflake meltdown I had to the area manager of the DES provider last week who was very kind and understanding).

That was a bit of a spill sorry, but that's where I am today. Have you got any plans today?

💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks for the catch up @CheerBear. It sounds like you have a lot on as always. At some point some of these big uncomfortable appointments will stop for you I hope. I don’t think I have been the same with regards to who I was. It’s an area that perhaps we are at different ends of the spectrum for. (I also see that perhaps your internal struggles with this......and what I see as passion and drive, whilst very painful, will serve you well). I don’t have a very strong sense of self and tend to accept things too easily as my new norm which is problematic for me.

But to add to our similarities my car is being dropped off tomorrow. It is backfiring lots and the poor old thing is chugging lots. And yes I tend to melt down in appointments but often in a bigger way before and after.

Your big spill story helped me get out of my head so I thank you for it.

My feeling sorry is mostly about something so very small that is having a huge impact on my mental health. I know it shouldn’t but it is and I’m not happy Jan that I’m letting it beat me. I have a mice plague in my house. I have had so many internal conflicts about getting rid of them humanely. The whole while they’ve been laughing at me and breeding madly. I’m so sick of finding evidence of them in new places. This morning was the last straw when I found evidence of them being up on my sink running through my clean dishes that I’d left draining last night. I came back to bed and curled up and posted about being in the nest and feeling sorry for myself even though it’s self inflicted. I also hurt my back on the weekend so cleaning up after them is painful as is getting dressed at the moment. It’s temporary as is the mice plague I hope but just for a bit this morning it was defeating me. I bet you’re sorry you asked 😜😳

good luck for your upcoming appointment. Let’s hope our cars don’t cost much 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I almost wrote "bet you're sorry you asked" too @Teej 😆. I am not sorry I asked at all ☺

I would be seriously torn with the mice situation. I have had tears over a mouse before and left the house while it was being caught and dealt with. At the same time, it's not great to mingle with them as you know. 🙁 for your back also. I wonder if the new bed might be having anything to do with it? Changing even a pillow can throw mine out a bit and take some adjusting to. Pain and things that need to be done are a bad mix, sorry.

I'm hoping this "I'm ok" is not a meltdown on pause and that it won't happen after too. I should probably have a shower and get a move on. I forgot I have a bus to catch there now too.

Definitely fingers crossed for our cars. I am thinking maybe I could ask about a whole new career change today and look at becoming a mechanic?! Last week it was a walnut farmer but I think a mechanic might be more useful 😆

Catching up with you has brightened my morning Teej thanks 😊

Hope there's some good in your day today 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It didn't go very well and I melted a bit, but I've come goodish again (writing more to get it out and there's no need to reply). I was told I'd be looking for work from a week from now. I asked about study instead of work and whether there was support to overcome the barriers I face in order to finish the teeny little bit I have left. The DES person said that I didn't have enough left of my degree for it to satisfy c-link requirements and that if I wanted to study I could, but I'd need to enrol in a longer course. Big, big ouch. I have no idea how that one works.

I tried to find any other temporary exemption and there were none, before asking if a hospital admission would do it so at least I had time to get the DSP paperwork together. He said yes, adding that incarceration would do it too (that one went down with me so very not-well).

So I found myself as a melted fireball at c-link telling them I felt like I was 5 seconds off looking for a way into hospital or prison. I was granted a six week exemption on the spot, in order to collect the paperwork I need for the DSP. Apparently the exemption should have been automatically applied when they sent the paperwork out but it slipped through. Navigating a broken system with a broken brain, sucks 🙁

Today it became clear that the DSP is the only choice I really have left (aside from being in a correctional facility maybe) to get a break from c-link so I can chip away at the little I have left of study when and as I can and as life allows. I am feeling pretty determined to do whatever I need to do to get it through now.

I'm on my way to pick up my car which will cost a bit but not more than I found to fix it, which is another small win. @Phoenix_Rising - I'm on another type of public transport that until today I hadn't used. I can catch lots of public transport without getting really lost (most of the time) or flipping out now and I feel kind of proud that I can do that ☺

I feel like I've been dealt some blows today but that I have had small wins in between it all. I'm choosing to hold on to that reminder of yours from this morning @Teej about the power of the little things. Thank you 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yay for small wins @CheerBear 💪🌿🌸❤️
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