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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

OHmygoodness @CheerBear how cool to have had the offer of 'running away to join the circus' at such a young age. Probably not the best thing to do, but then, who knows really.

The Kibbutz was an idealistic idea at one of the worst times of my very young life. I didn't tell anyone, what ended it was the complicated stuff about going to live in Israel back in those days. It probably was for the best though. I do sometimes wonder.

Have the best wander as you work your way toward home.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Lovely to see your latest photos, @CheerBear, exquisite sunrise and sunset and I'm not surprised a little one might have been scared of a pelican close up!

Wow to travelling show person, CB, and kibbutz, @Former-Member.

I acted out one of my wildest 'calls', for two months in another country a couple of decades ago. It came to an end and I returned home, though I tried to stay over there when it was happening, and even tried to return. Glad it didn't turn out that way (and sure of that). I'm too embarrassed to share what I did, even keep it secret from many close to me wherever possible. It was a bit outlandish and frankly stupid. The wild ride bipolar has taken me on at times!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Mazarita I'm so curious about your wild call also but I respect that some things feel better kept as secrets. I'm not sure if it's just who I am or if there's an element of MH stuff also (which is part of who I am I) but I often have pretty wild 'that's an option' dreams, thoughts, plans that I know I'll probably never do or wouldn't do right now etc. If I didn't have the kids things would be very different and I can only imagine the places and situations I could find myself in. I think that will be the case for me if things are not more stable when they're older.

I do kind of like that idea that there are 'wild options' that could completely change the direction of life, even if it's in a way that others don't agree with or value or think is right, or that we look back on with some embarrassment or discomfort. The circus will always be an option 😁

You were up late/early last night. I hope you've had or are going to be able to have some restful sleep.

@Former-Member thinking of you this morning and hoping last night was ok enough for you.

I'm going to pick up some furballs today from a person who looked after them for us. Apparently they were 'menaces' during the week with a stealthy Mouse learning how to open doors. Hearing the person who watched them, who had been considering buying a cat and has now completely changed their mind, describe their antics, had me big belly laughing. I'm so looking forward to seeing them again. I've really missed them 😊

Hope the day ahead has something in it that's good for all ❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, the 'wild card' ride I took in the late '90s. Here goes the 'confession'...

It was an internet affair that took me to America. Disastrous relationship for the most part, but exciting for the modest woman I was at that time, and very sexual in a way I had never experienced before. Lived in a cheap motel for most of the couple of months I was there, and worked (illegally) at the front desk to pay my rent.

At one point, trying to find a more permanent place to live, I remember being out on an almost deserted highway as night was falling trying to find the bus home (there weren't any signs and the bus was finished for the day anyway). Had to rely on the kindness of strangers to get me back to the town I was staying in. Scary.

The whole episode changed my life in a dramatic way. I lost the 'modest woman' part of me pretty much altogether after that for years. That was the manic time of my bipolar, which lasted for about five years and really ramped up further on the sexual level when I got home.

I wasn't always high during that time, would swing low in floods of tears quite regularly too, and other extreme moods besides. But mainly I was manic. Amazing I wasn't hospitalised. I thought I was just 'liberated' and even secretly came to think I was a love goddess. And, as always, I was good at presenting some kind of 'sane' exterior to those who wanted to see that.

I don't exactly regret it as an experience to have had. But I do regret the pain it caused some people close to me (I was at the end of my marriage at the time), and also to the man I got involved with. And I wouldn't want to again put myself in as much danger again as I did through those years. For example, there was another time, after I got back from America, when I met a strange man I'd met on a phone line at 11pm on a deserted pier. Luckily that turned out okay too. I felt invincible during those years.

Well, there you go, I've got it out on the page and it feels a bit scary (though I have posted some of this years ago, especially in conversation with @eth). But it's also liberating because it's something I mostly keep secret from other people now.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I totally hear you @Mazarita and have had similar experiences, very. What a dangerous path we followed at times ... amazing to have survived, albeit somewhat damaged in my case. Lately I've been remembering more of the details too so I totally get it I think. You are a survivor and the fact you could 'seem' to others means you didn't lose your insight completely despite the chaos. Sending you peaceful and self-forgiving wishes xx

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks, @eth, really appreciate it. I'll log off for a while now to let things settle now that the post is made. See you later in the day, I hope.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you so much for sharing @Mazarita. It takes courage to be open when it's feels scary and I have heaps of respect for that.

When I read your story I felt even more curiousity and a sense of thrill and adventure. That want for thrill and adventure (probably with some chemically enhanced invincible feelings) is something that got me into situations that sound as if they may share similarities with ones you've had. I would love to be able to sit with you in person and listen to what you'd like to/felt ok to share of your stories. From my moments or periods of my version of 'highs' (for whatever reason has been behind them), I can't imagine how tricky it could be to ride the rollercoaster of prolonged and intense versions of it. I hope you're feeling ok enough this afternoon. I can feel funny sometimes when I've let things out a little.

I have about a million things I would like to ask and share, but more than anything, I want to say how much I really do appreciate the you you are, and how much I believe you wouldn't be you without having lived the life you have.

For what it's worth, I truly think you rock ❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It will be great to have your furballs back @CheerBear and so funny to read how looking after them changed your friend's mind about getting their own! Priceless.

Thankyou for your kindness, I'm working on coping with all the things step by step, one by one, so I don't overload. sigh.

Have a really lovely day!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

How courageous of you to share your very personal experiences @Mazarita , and I understand both the connectedness you must have felt to follow your 'wild call' and the disconnection that would have been part of being able to be free enough to follow through.

Although we often feel as though these experiences ought to have some level of shame or negative attached to them, I'm not so sure they should, you know! Life is about experience, imo, and you have lived some really out of the box experiences, and that is a good thing.

So many things we've done could have ended up with different outcomes, yet here we are, richer for the experience, even if we are a bit bent and/ or broken. The bent and broken often isnt due to the 'wild call' experiences though for the most part, it's due to things external to us having an impact on us.

Brave and enduring lady, well done you for perservering, I say.

Eh, that's my thoughts for today anyway, I might be rambling though ...

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, @Former-Member

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