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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

It felt a bit wrong today "liking" your post without saying anything about it. It was because I read it on my phone during the lunch break at my volunteering gig. I feel so so sad that you are having to deal with this big stress. I'm super glad you have a real life someone there to give you a hug and make your house sparkly for you, and a school principle who has totally got this, and a MH worker who was able to reschedule the DES appointment and a psych who returned your call last night. Even though I can imagine that you might be feeling super alone right now, it sounds like team CheerBear has swung into action.

I super love that picture of the unicorn with her three little ones. I agree that that would make for some good ink at some point. It looks exactly as I picture you with your LF.

I hope you and the LF (they will always be LF to me) are able to have a fun weekend away. You are safe right now, and right now is all we can ever deal with. You are right in saying that you can trust those gut feelings. There is nothing weird, wrong or pathological with being hypervigilant when there is a good reason to be hypervigilant. This is a perfectly normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. You are an amazing loving mum looking out for yourself and your LF. The situation is wrong. The systems are wrong. You are doing everything right in a wrong situation. And what's more, you are doing it brilliantly. Inhale, exhale, repeat. You've got this!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Phoenix_Rising, lots. I hope your volunteering and violining felt good today. Most Fridays, at some point during my morning coffee, I wonder if you're getting ready to go to your Friday things.

Little puffer fish is so excited tonight. I wish you could see them. Sometimes I find it so hard not to laugh at things I probably shouldn't laugh at! Big is not so little anymore and they seem to be getting bigger in a big way every day. I also wish you could see them do the gig that they have - it's so cool! They're bigger than I am now so it was part of the 'littler people', with some other thoughts I had. They'll always be the LF here to me too though. I wanted you to let you know that ☺

We're going to be near some water until the end of the week, and then hopefully we will go away somewhere else for a little longer than that, but that's going to depend on some safety stuff given what we now know. If we can't go on that second adventure it's going to hurt, though I will think about that another day. Trying really hard to stay in the now, while doing what I can to make the from-now as safe as it can be is very tricky! But right now things are ok.

I'm falling asleep already and am going to push post before my eyes close. I won't be around much/at all while we're away, though I might pop in with a hi maybe. We'll be spending time by a river, and going for a walk around trees and playing games, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, where only those who need to know will know where we are, and it's going to be great 😊

Lots of best wishes to all 🦄 (and one last thanks)

👋

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Popping in to say hi while I have a quiet moment.

We left on Saturday and, as I thought might happen, as soon as we got on the road I felt a bit better and the further we went the more it felt like I could breathe easier. It really was great to be leaving and over the last couple of days I realised how much safer it feels to be far away, which is a bit of good but not-so-good thing. I think we might just stay here forever and never go home (half joking).
The weather hasn't been great and it's been really cold and windy, but it meant we had the entire beach to ourselves yesterday. A puffer fish ran off collecting "galaxy pieces" (speckled shells, preferably purple). A clown fish wanted to go to the beach but didn't want to get wet or sandy. And a big found a feather, lost it in the wind, then followed it straight into the surf dressed in thick winter clothes, momentarily forgetting that water is wet. It was good to see things are very normal for them and the circus is just a travelling one at the moment 😉 Hoping it's a bit nicer outside today, which it looks like it might be.
I have heaps of photos and as always there are plenty I would love to share here but can't. I can share these though
A peaceful, middle-of-nowhere sunset that reminded me of Mazarita. Sunrise is a bit trickier to catch a shareable photo of here.
These guys who were pretty cool company yesterday morning.
And the amazingly empty beach.
(Yeah, we're never coming home)
I've also been able to sneak in some crafting time and finished off my most oh-so-fluffy one yet.
My crafty bag is definitely well stocked and even includes a little wire pet brush for turning yarn into fuzz now SunShower 😁. After seeing a pastel rainbow fuzzball, I have one very keen to learn and one day make their own, so we've been practicing patience (not a strong point of either of ours) and chain stitching. Sleepy unicorn is 1/3made bookish 💚.
Phoenix_Rising I had the chicken dance in my head for a good chunk of the trip here, which I made sure I didn't share with anyone else as that would probably still be going around if I did 😆
I was thinking of so many people when I logged on today, but I'm not going to tag everyone. Sending lots of these 💗 to those who'd like some.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yeah, I can understand the 'I'm staying here', @CheerBear I would too, by golly. Amazing imagery.

So pleased the break away is being so good for you and yours. Water is wonderful for renewing the spirit whether the young or the old and anywhere in between too.

Oh, what an amazing fluffy creature! Hedgehog I think. That's really really pretty. Wire brush hey, what a technique. Will have to look into that for collars and such, maybe.

How wonderful for you to be able to teach your skills to your littl'un/s. Patience and discipline come with practice and the understanding that "if I want to have that thing, being dedicated to doing the task the proper way is to my best advantage."

You are providing an excellent baseline for each of them to build on.

I hope you enjoy your new home!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

i love you pics youve shared @CheerBear it sounds like a lovely place to be.. i hope you enjoyed your day at the river today too.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I love how you write @CheerBear and @Former-Member ....

I enjoyed the pics too ....

👋 @outlander

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @CheerBear, finally came back to see the photos. Thanks for thinking of me at sunset. Twilight times at both sides of the day, I love.

Wow to your fuzzy creature! So cool. Your bird friends are so beautiful too.

Peace and rejuvination to you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi to all. Thanks Sunshower, Mazarita, Outlander and Faith-and-Hope and those under that like button. We're on a long trip home (kind of home) after a lovely little break. I don't want to go home and it's so much more than not wanting a fun few days to be over. I looked at real estate here (I look at real estate everywhere often) and we could afford to live in the middle of nowhere. There are no schools close by and probably no work either which is why we can't up and go here, but it would be nice. I did have a half-asleep dream that I became a walnut farmer. Maybe that could work 🤔

Yesterday we spent from sunrise (photos for you @Mazarita)
Until sunset
and then into the night by water of all kinds. We went for a walk around some lakes, spent time at a jetty, had a few hours on the river bank and took a trip to the beach again. It was me who ended up in the ocean in my clothes yesterday 😆 A mini human for their age, appeared to have no respect for the power of the waves which were much bigger than they could stand up in, so I took them in for a proper play to feel it, dressed in tights and a t-shirt. We had a great time and seeing as I was in anyway, I had a quick swim and it was awesome 🙂 I felt like a kid, which I love.
These were our bird friends yesterday. Puffer fish thought they were pretty terrifying up close!
The plan was to not go home, home from here and instead head somewhere else to stay for a little longer, but I am still not sure whether that's going to happen. It might be a day-by-day thing maybe. We'll see.
That's me. Looking forward to a proper wander and catch-up here.
❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Wonderful images and experiences for you all @CheerBear

I like Walnuts, I could support another walnut farmer! Reminds me of when I was going to go to Israel and join a Kibbutz. Ah, those were really not days I'd like to relive. It almost happened too.

Fingers and toes crossed for you to be able to continue your meandering journey toward home.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Haha awesome thanks @Former-Member. I don't even like walnuts so that was a bit of a random one.

Wow re your almost-adventure. Curious about that one, though not going to pry. The closest almost-adventure I had was as a traveling show person when I missed getting into the course I wanted out of highschool. That was a very close one too.

Fingers and toes crossed for your outing today, that I read about in another thread ❤
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