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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Are you ok tonight @Former-Member? Good idea to take something if you're feeling like and think it might help. It's too late for me to take anything now as I have to get up really early. So annoying because I'm wide awake and struggling to switch off but so tired at the same time. I'm tipping you know all about what that's like

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I sure do @CheerBear
How different life would be if we could sleep enough.
Not sure if this med will work, hope so. It's a different one.
Hopefully you will get a chance to nap tomorrow.
I'm still struggling with the same crapp 😂
Anyway better try and see if we can sleep I guess.
I hope you're ok CheerBear
Hopefully you'll feel better soon while having a break. 💕💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hope you got some sleep last night @Former-Member 💗

@Phoenix_Rising - if my working out time is right you should be walking in to see A as I am walking out the door to head for LF, which is happening very soon. I have everything crossed for you that it works out as well as it can today. I'll be here when I'm not, like always and waiting to read any news if you post it. Tt is with me today as well. Ps - fish floating not so cool I agree!

Hi to @Pepsimax, @Shaz51, @outlander, @oceangirl (who I'm super sorry for seeming to ignore last night) and anyone else who might be reading/watching the nest. Special hugs to @Former-Member today - if you feel up to letting me know how you're going, I'd love to hear (totally ok if not though) ).

I'm off to spend the day with the LF before spending my last night not at the break place. I'm feeling very nervous now but I think (hope) that's kind of ok considering what the break is, and that the entire idea of a break is very unfamiliar to me. The LF side of the list is done. My side is not but that will give me something to do tonight to stay busy at least. Totally just aiming for breathing today and pretty sure I can manage that one without really even trying so I'm setting myself up for success here 😉

Hope the day isn't too rocky for you all. I would usually hope the day is good for everyone but I'm realising this may be a bit of a stretch for many here at the moment.

Take care all 💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear goodmorning to you and all nesting inhabitants 💖💖💖
Your allowed to feel nervous and scared. Just remember that quote you gave to me its for you too just remember that 💕💕💕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am hanging these lights up in the nest today to celebrate the gold star I'm giving myself for surviving the almost two and a half weeks of catt scratches, pokes, prods and shake-and-leaves now my time with them is up. To think I'm genuinely proud that I haven't completely tipped over with their support is something I'm struggling to get my head around, and this whole saga has absolutely confirmed that if I ever recover from everything enough to work again, I want nothing to do with such a broken, confusing and potentially harm-causing system, unless it is working to change/destroy it. The goodbye I've just had is not a sad one.

Thank you all who have walked alongside me for the last what feels now like months. I would hate to think where I would be if I hadn't had this place to vent, seek reassurance, laugh and feel heard/understood.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

They suit being in the nest @CheerBear adds more character and coziness 💜💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear. Not long now until you are at the break place! I saw A this morning and it helped...and then the waves swamped me again two hours later so I'm still floundering around in the ocean. A has to be the most caring yet incompetent psychologist out there...and yet somehow the caring makes up for the incompetence. The fact that she puts a blanket over me while I snuggle on her couch and she rests her hand against my back as I rock and squirm and make weird noises super helps. It also super helps that she can say "I stuffed up, I hurt you, I'm sorry." It doesn't actually FIX the hurt...but it definitely super helps. I don't think even she really knows what went through her brain on Friday.

I think we were about fifty minutes into the session before I was regulated enough to say a word (we have 90 minute sessions). I showed her all the stuff I had written on my wave thread as a way to communicate with her. I still don't feel like she really "gets" how destructive Friday was, but I know she is trying.

My brain is totally mushy, but I wanted to check in. I super hope you are getting through your list. I am looking forward to hearing you report in that you have made it to the break place tomorrow. I have my tiny suitcase packed ready to bring with me in your pocket. Hee hee, it just occurred to me that if I was really going to a break place, I would definitely have to take my violin with me...which might make it less of a break for everyone else.

You are almost there now @CheerBear. Only one sleep left to go. You've definitely got this!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I thought I'd also just check in and see how you are travelling today. I super hope you are going ok.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - thank you for coming past to check in and for letting me know how you went with A. I'm really glad that you have your suitcase packed for tomorrow. I feel less alone thinking you do and more organised thinking one of us has packed at least!

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been swamped again and that your brain is mushy, although I wouldn't really expect it to have magically unmushed itself given the weather over the weekend. I felt warm imagining A putting your blanket over you and resting her hand on your back. You must like her to let her touch you and I think she's lucky that you're still trying to work things through together. I think that A acknowledging her mistakes, apologising for them, really trying to "get" it and seeming to be invested in her work with you, may be taking tiny teeny incy wincy baby steps towards 'fixing' things. I am no brain scientist at all, but I do genuinely believe in the power of human connection and the potential for some kind of healing to occur when authentic, meaningful interactions between people happen. I am most certainly not saying that it makes up for mistakes though and I can't work out what A was thinking on Friday. Maybe what I'm talking about is more a spiritual thing and while your brain is mushy and your shell is hurting it doesn't work for you to think about, but it's kind of what I like/need to believe when I'm working with people who stuff up (often way too often) but are caring. I realise I'm kind of rambling as my brain is still a bit melted too so maybe what I've said is kind of irrelevant. I think we're both doing pretty well to be writing at all given our brains and their state though!

I had an idea while I was telling the catts that tonight might be super tricky and maybe I'll spend the night holding on to the pink blanket and just counting the hours down, especially given I will be fishless and kind of nervous. I'm thinking I might make another little creature tonight to take along for the adventure with Tiny Turtle. I realllllly wish you could actually come along as a safe resting place sounds so, well, safe and restful, and I think all of us could use that sometimes. I'd love to share what we get up to if you'd like to see.

Thank you for saying that you think I've got this. "I've got this" is one of my favourite things to say to myself and to hear from others I believe 🙂 I've just said goodbye to the LF and have pulled over in the car to calm before driving as I'm feeling a bit sad and empty. I'm going to put on my favourite music soon keep on keeping on. I will think about list 2 as well, which currently only includes super important things like lollies, yarn, hooks and pencils. I might have to add other things like medication and phone charger to it I think 😉

I really hope the rest of your day works out as well as it can. I'm glad you're seeing your GP. I like your GP too.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

Yep, I super like A and when I'm actually with her in the room I feel safe with her. When we started out four months ago, she had a no-touch policy. However, now she has shifted to being ok with putting her hand on my back, and today when things were super super super bad, she also let me hold her hand. It super helped. My issues around touch are definitely much more complex than a blanket "no touching" rule. It's just that, for me, touch is very meaningful and thus I am extremely selective in who I let touch me. I don't understand the idea of hugs getting thrown around everywhere (but I respect that this works for a lot of people). I have to feel super safe with someone before I want any sort of touch from them.

I totally agree with you regarding the power of human connection (both physical and emotional). At the risk of bursting a bubble, it isn't really some deep spiritual thing, it's called oxytocin - often referred to as the "love hormone". We are by nature a social species. We are supposed to be connected in safe and healthy communities. It is well recognised in the trauma literature that interpersonal trauma is best healed through healthy restorative relationships. This is why I'm in such a muddle - everybody leaves! So yep, I am super grateful that A finally heard me re. the touching thing. It took quite a while - and an email from my awesome GP explaining how when I've gone into crisis in her surgery, she has let me sit on the floor with my head against her leg and her hand on my shoulder and this has super helped me to settle.

I definitely have no intention at all of sacking A... I just need her to get the hang of...well...me ASAP. The conclusion of the matter today was that she did something really silly because she is a silly peanut. Now if I can just de-mush my brain from A's peanutiness, I might finally find my way off the current wave!

I am most intrigued to know what creature you are going to make to take with us to the safe resting place. And of course I want to see what we get up to - I thought that was a given.

I hope list 2 is coming along nicely. It sounds like it has all the most important things on it already! I'm off to see my GP super soon. I have a glimmer of hope that after seeing her, and another night's sleep, the storm just might start to subside. And anyway, this time tomorrow "we" are going to be at the safe resting place. Oh yeah, we've both definitely got this!

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