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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Pepsimax thank you 🙂 I've been catching little snippets of your story here and there. I don't think you post too much about it but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that you've been through so much too. Because I'm so up and down and all over the place it can be hard sometimes to leave the nest and I know there are others looking out for you here too. I am here for you though and always enjoy the chats we have.

@Shaz51 - some youtubes are hilarious. I find out so many interesting and ridiculous things on youtube. Hope you and Mr Shaz enjoy the rest of your afternoon. I'm going to put on the duck song on youtube through my speakers and get my sad and sorry butt up and going now. Thanks for the tea 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

cup of tea @Pepsimax xx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Shaz51 no tea but you reminded me I NEED WATER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

Your description of your LF made me feel sad, so I can only imagine how much it must have ripped your soul to have to watch them flap around in the whirlpool. I'm pleased to hear they are all safely floating on the surface now (although the image of fish floating on the surface and this being a good thing is hurting my brain a little ). I'm super glad you won't be too far away from LF and that they can call you 324 billion times a day. I imagine that will help both them and you.

I have to say, when I read your description of your pain at seeing your LF flounder, I was reminded of a post you wrote only a few days ago, where you were pondering whether your LF were enough of a reason to keep on keeping on. I get the sense that today they are definitely a good enough reason. Phew, it's a good thing the rest place is a temporary solution to a temporary problem...unlike suicide, which is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Going with the temporary solution sounds like a MUCH better plan for both you and your LF. Your time apart from them will pass and then you will all be together again AND you will hopefully feel a whole lot better with a much better functioning brain.

I know you wrote your long post quite a few hours ago, so hopefully you now have your list in your cool pink notebook, you have got over the freak-out stage of how long the list is, and you are on top of things at least a bit. Maybe you should sit me on top of your notebook - that way you can see that I'm on top of the big long list and thus you can get on top of it too.

I love the idea that I'm a secret weapon. Actually...come to think of it...given how many therapists I seem to traumatize and who consequently refuse to work with me, I have a feeling some people out there might see me as a weapon of mass destruction. It is so very VERY difficult to understand. I truly have no sense of what it is that I do/say that causes therapists to run a mile. I'm truly not violent or anything - just very loud and chaotic...which is what I'm seeking help for...but everyone leaves because of the very behaviour that I'm seeking help for...which makes it kind-of tricky to get help with it. To me, this whole saga re. the neurofeedback is akin to a doctor refusing to let a person with epilepsy back into the surgery because the person had a seizure last time they were there. And even worse, the whole crisis at the neurofeedback place started with the psychologist not bothering to read my file before she had a "chat" with me. I mean, seriously!!!!!! Sorry, I didn't mean to get onto that there. That paragraph started off with an attempt to be funny...but then the funny reminded me of the pain. Oh well, moving on...

Do you know how long you are staying at the rest place @CheerBear? You are nearly there now. Just two more sleeps. I only have eleven hours until I see A, and it takes me an hour to get there, so it is almost bedtime for me.

I wonder how you and I will be travelling this time next week. We definitely need to fix our brains so that we can change the world. Good night my there-while-not-there not-friend.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear @Former-Member

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - I've been lying here for a couple of hours somewhere between awake and asleep. The list happened but nothing more than that. I can't do anything about it right now and I accept that.

I'm so tired and so sick of feeling like my brain can't function at the level I know it is capable of functioning at. I'm thinking you're super tired after this weekend as well, and also probably sick of having a brain that gets muddled. I have a pocket that's warm and safe if you'd like to crawl in tonight. Even though we are kind of alone where we are, we can at least maybe feel less alone this way. 10 hours now for you. 36.5 for me. I'm counting down for us too.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sleepy time @CheerBear
Night night 😴💟👋

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hope you get some sleep tonight @Former-Member. Night

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You too @CheerBear 💟🐻
I'm back here, decided to take something to sleep. I could tell I'd be awake for a long time if I didn't.
Waiting to get sleepy now.
I hope that you're able to switch off your mind and rest/sleep.
🐱🐢💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh and hi @oceangirl 💟👋
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