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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member.

I know 'coded speak' must be hard to understand. Please know it’s never intended to keep people out. Sometimes it’s used to help keep things anonymous and sometimes it has just become short hand which would be frustrating when you don’t understand it. I think we have lots of styles of communicating on the forum which is as much about a diverse community as anything. Having said that I have been very guilty of using it lots too. We tend to pick up each other’s sayings and run with them. I hope today is ok.

@CheerBear After your first big post the other day I knew there was part I had skipped over. I wanted to address it but couldn’t find words. After reading your posts today I realise I have no words. I think @Former-Member post hit home for me. She wrote 'I get it' . The thing is I don’t get it because it’s not been my experience. Sometimes I’ve avoided these conversations because I think I shouldn’t be involved because I’ve not experienced some of the truly awful things so many of you on the forum have. But all the time you and everyone else who has experienced things they shouldn’t have are in my thoughts and in my heart. There are parts I get like brains not working like they should and that through no fault of your making you are living a day to day life of struggles that seem so unfair and unjust. I guess I find it hard to understand the physical parts of trauma and injuries incurred but I have total sympathy (not pity but heartfelt feelings) for you and everyone else reading this who have lived through it ( would like to add names but the saddest thing is it would be most of the forum 😢) and I try to put myself in your shoes as much as I can. My main aim of writing this is to say thank you for being brave and writing it. I did hear you but was perhaps too chicken to respond. I do believe it is through telling your stories that a small part of healing occurs but also it is a way of creating awareness and action so that these cycles of sexual abuse and domestic violence might one day be a thing of the past. I know since my time on the forum I’ve definately been more vocal with my boys about their responsibilies to speak up or act if needed to help someone but also to make them much more aware of their behaviours too (not an anti male thing as I only have boys).

I guess the second part of what I wanted to share is directed more to you @CheerBear. I see you getting knocked down and picking yourself up when you can. I think I’ve always tried to jump in on the help pick cheerBear up wagon. Sometimes I may have not seemed very thoughtful with the emotional part of what you are experiencing because I’m in a rush with a great big bag of bandaids to help patch you up and get you going again (not that I think I have that power, it’s just the fixit gene in me is pretty dominating). This is im sorry if there’s been too many anecdotes, not enough sitting with the big feelings with everything. I have a feeling this goes for lots of my interactions on the forum (not mentioning anyone by name @Former-Member 😘)

today i I am a mess and unable to talk about my stuff still. I am flipping so much. To anyone reading this please forgive my rate of responses, just this one was days in the making. Hugs to all who want one 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Please know I don’t need a response. It was just a reflection of mine. I just thought I’d write just in case I didn’t get a chance to later.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member ...... 💕

I just want to say the same ...... our combinations of shorthand is not intended to block anyone ....... please do ask about anything you find cryptic or confusing.

I have been referring to my kids as baby dragons since I arrived on the forums ..... as they are teens and 20-somethings, and very strong minded, at times ver oppositional. They burn their mumma with their words when in that state, and “breathe fire” when they are struggling with outcomes, and are better avoided for a while ....,

I refer to Mr F&H (Faith-and-Hope) as my big dragon, cos he outdoes them all when seriously riled, which used to be extremely rare ..... or in a wonky state with his undiagnosed mental illness ..... which has been far more common for the last 8 years or so. My story is on the Carer’s forum, because that is where I started, and I can tag you to it ..... but I also don’t want to trigger anybody with the content ..... please let me know if you want to visit the thread.

S1 and S2 are my sons ..... and D1, D2 and D3 my daughters. One has a disability so I am her carer too, and now my S2 and D3 are struggling with mental health issues as a result of our ongoing struggles around the big dragon’s issues and the effects that has had on the family, including triggering a personality disorder that a familial personality type is apparently prone to.

Hugs @Teej ..... please remember psysiological self-care is foundational - eating, drinking, sleeping ......

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I know what it's like for me to not be able to talk sometimes, for whatever reason, and it can be hard. It can add to a sense of isolation, disconnection and misunderstanding. It would be very hard to have to be so careful. It took me a little while here to find my comfort zone with how much and how I'm willing to disclose things, and I can see how that comfort and safety zone might be very different for different people. Thinking of you (and sorry again).

@Teej I know you don't need a response, but I wanted to give you one (with a head that is a bit mashed up this afternoon). Your support has only ever felt supportive and I know it's come from a really thoughtful, caring, empathic place with not too many anecdotes at all, and with what I see as great sitting with things and hearing it (and getting it, even without having experienced it) abilities. My fix it brain wants you to trust yourself more, because it thinks you're awesome.

I think the world will be a better place for having taught yours about speaking up and acting on things, and about being responsible.

Hugs. I hope your flipping settles to more comfortable soon.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Agreed @CheerBear .....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

P.S. @Former-Member ..... “tightrope waking” is me trying to keep balance and move carefully forward in small steps so as not to collapse everything that is functional at the moment, but dodgy ..... borderline dysfunctional ..... while we wait for outcomes with my Mr. He is swinging between coping and not coping, as are my youngest two adult kids (sometimes referred to as kidults) and the tensions range between being extremely controlling and demanding, which includes restricting the household resources, to being excessively generous, which includes over-supplying the household resources ..... leaving us flooded with too many things / too much food to cope with.

Being closer to the ground means that things are more balanced at the moment with “less distance to fall” if things do go suddenly wrong again. The safety net is support people for my kids, and doctors in this place we have relocated to for the kids to start again with their uni studies. S2 having been under a mental health team last year helped to educate my Mr. about where the boundaries lie regarding his need to control, and what constitutes emotional and mental abuse ...... havjng been tasked with both humself, once he became unwell the lines all blurred with that.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! @CheerBear, they are so totally adorable. 💚 And you are super super clever. Thank you for making me smile in a very bus-filled, bus-squished week. 💚 You're a star. 🦄⭐️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Former-Member. I'm glad they made you smile. They make me smile and did while I was making them. They're floating next to some desk dragons where they live now.

Feeling with you with the buses. It would be a lot easier to keep on keeping on if buses stopped squishing people.

Thinking of you often 💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sorry you have had a week of things coming flying at you @Former-Member ......

💜
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