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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Thanks for the handy tips @Catcakes! One of mine is nervous about the long drive for the carsick, needs to stop allllll the time for the loo, thing. I'll try to remember to pack a little bag for inside the car just in case ☺
@Faith-and-Hope I wrote a reply to your post but I'm sitting on it as I'm a bit emo for it this morning. I have saved it in my inbox for another time if you'd ever like to hear a 'see/have lived both sides and you're doing a great job' story. I have nothing but oodles of respect for how difficult it is to manage situations like you are in and have been in for a long time. Big (gentle) mega hugs 💗
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning @CheerBear,
I so very very VERY badly wish I could find a magic wand to send to you. It shouldn't be this hard!!!! It really really really should not be this hard!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I would love that story when you are ready @CheerBear .....
There have been another coup,e of people I have had to tell our situation to in recent days / weeks .... and the response is still the same .....
“Wow”
And then .....
“Wow”
And then .....
”Is there any way we can help you ? If you can think of a way we can help you, please let us know ....”
These are people who can see and understand the stresses and strains ..... but not how to reach into the heart of our circumstances and flip them around. Still ..... it’s getting a safety net rolled out under us though, which is more than we had two years ago, and there is comfort in it being do-able.
I really, really hope there will be joy in your days away. We used to carry an empty water bottle in the car for one of my sons for what would otherwise be multiple pee stops. There is actually a rather fascinating physical reason for that which has since surfaced, but won’t detail it here. And both my brother and I were “chucky” car travellers when we were kids. My family had to carry bags, towels, and extra clothing for everybody ..... and travel stops involved all windows down ....
For some reason, salted potato chips help with that one.
Hi @Phoenix_Rising ...... 👋🐢🌿
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Here it is @Faith-and-Hope, with a big breath and some tissues.
My heart hurt hearing that you struggle/d with whether you should have left earlier though I get how that could be. I have a strong sense that you make decisions based on love and what is best for your family, and that you have an incredible ability to see lots of options and weigh them up. I can't imagine much more you could do than that.
I think I'm in between you and your dragon's age-ish so maybe this is like a betweener perspective. My F&H used to really struggle with the same question, as they also stayed. I had a wonky upbringing at times and I went a little (a lot) wild for a while, possibly at least in part because of it (I got my street smarts though, which pays off when living in a murky pond). One sibling, who was ok enough with things the way they were and wouldn't have wanted a break-up as sounds similar to yours, didn't go so wild and hasn't struggled so much.
For me and mine, I chose to stay to start with. Then I tried to leave and things went bananas, so I stayed a little longer. When I actually left things seriously escalated and I got very hurt. After that, things seemed to chill out for a short while, at least on the surface, but then they started turning again, away from me, and the big bang was the result. That's the 10 second version. Every situation is different, but for me I think it's likely I was/we were in trouble, from the start and either way.
My F&H has not struggled as much with their decision since watching what has happened here (something about the whole 'this is why she doesn't just leave' thing maybe). They knew, deep inside, that staying was better. You know/knew the same. I believe you and my F&H both did/are doing the right thing because you both believe it and, for what it's worth, I would never think anything other than that.
Where things maybe went a little more wonky for me was that my F&H wasn't quite able to teach and demonstrate what was ok and what was not, so in my wild I found myself straight in the hands of danger with needing to learn ok/not ok the hard way. From what I see and hear from you, you do that in lots of ways and really well with yours. It's one of the things I set out to teach mine too. I think it's a seriously important lesson for baby dragons and little fish, and I think it will help yours/mine a lot.
I wanted to share that as, as I mentioned, I think I have lived both sides in a way. Something I have gained through all of it, is enormous respect for how challenging it is to manage situations like the ones too many people experience. I now genuinely believe that my F&H did all they could under difficult circumstances, and I really do love, respect and appreciate them so much for all they did for us. (Which comes with a side note to say that I also have respect for how much that might not be the case for other people, and I think that's fair enough also). It may have taken a bit for me to get there, but I did. And if yours do turn a bit to the wild side or find things wonky or spend some time in the jungle maze, while I'm not exactly the shining example of mental health and have-my-life-together stuff, I can give hope from a place of experience, that even the pretty wild can turn around.
Lots of love being sent to you, from one mum trying their best to another 💗
(And sneaking in that I met with a teacher this morning who, between her and the principal, are setting off on a mission to help me help big have those opportunities by ringing around and doing some scholarship leg work - it's a bit of weight off, a load shared and a teeny bit of relief. With some hope. Hope is always a good feeling).
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Big hugs @CheerBear .......
Thank you so much for this ..... I will certainly treasure it ...... and I suspected as much ......
The mission becomes to keep the fish / dragons safe, with the hope that we will be safe amongst it all too. The firestorm would not have been safe for any of us, whereas on the tightrope we have a tightrope ..... and we now have a safety net of sorts. An at times the tightrope feels a lot closer to the ground, as it does at the moment.
I am so sorry that you learned hard lessons as a result of your F&H situation, but I can also see that you are using those hard lessons to cushion and nourish your little fish, which is growing good things out of bad ....... (that can be placed into any other sort of language of course ..... lemons >> lemonade ...... negative >> positive ..... manure >> flower garden ...... ditch-water >> pond). It’s the theme, and I know you understand it well.
And all of us have “Wow” situations of one sort or another. It’s why we are here. But some of circumstances align more with the experiences of others. Thank you for sharing more of yours with me. It does support my hope, and my decision-making uneasiness.
💜💐💕💜💐💕💜🌿
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Faith-and-Hope💗😘
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I think you are super awesome @CheerBear and @Faith-and-Hope. That's all.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Catcakes@Former-Member and others in the nest.
Very glad for you that things are, maybe, possibly, taking a turn for the better.
I've read over the posts and there's really nothing I can say, mostly because of the coded speak a particular group of long-timers on SANE use, (it sure works to keep people out) and that I simply don't understand, so I'll just offer my heartfelt good wishes for all of you and go get the housework done.
Have a pleasant day all.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I think you're pretty awesome too @Phoenix_Rising
I'm so sorry if the way I talk here gives the impression of wanting to keep people out @Former-Member. My coded talk, particularly in this thread, is often a self-protection thing. I am terrified of being found here and what that could mean for myself and my family, but I benefit from the support I receive so it can be my way of being able to get that support safely. When I talk about trauma stuff, I have to be careful that I don't trigger myself too and sometimes the words I choose to talk about stuff might be difficult to understand.
If there's anything you'd like to know, please ask. And please know I hear you and others talk about how hard it can be to keep up with language here and I appreciate that. I'm mindful of that in lots of ways, and trying to balance how I can use language in a way that works for me and is ok for others too. And I'll get it wrong sometimes, but I hear you and respect what you've said.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I understand the need for the privacy.
My situation is such that I have to be careful of everything I say, and the images I show, and even my speech patterns.
I can't talk of ANY personal things here because it's too identifying and without the background, people think I'm just a mean old thing who couldn't get it together and did horrible things so ran away from it all.
The legal invovlment tells a different story, but I can't recount any of it, and even if I did, most people would not believe it.
See, even now, there's nothing I can add to the above that doesn't lead into something else that becomes identifying. sigh.
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