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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You matter to me too @Former-Member. I am really sorry to hear that stuff is happening that makes it not right for you to be floating. I feel really sad to hear that but I understand that you have to look after you. You know what it is right for you, I believe that.

🙁💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can relate to your heightened and very mixed emotions @CheerBear even though my time for all the tertiary education/ kids stuff/ all the support with c-link is in the fairly distant past now. There were times though that I almost did not make it through. Perhaps we all have the horror stories that make our brains melt and our blood run cold at the way some decisions that affect multiple futures, are made. (That statement is meant as an "I'm hearing you, I'm feeling you." not as anything negative. It's a bad word day (aphasia) for me, sorry.

I've long wanted to form an advocacy system for those who have difficulty collating all that is required for governmental assistance. In one of my jobs, that was part of what I did, but the monies ran out and we were all put out of work. sigh. Now, I need help(that is not available) with some of it myself - how things change.

I used to find those Arcade bashing game things in the old arcade place very useful for venting at one time. I had the highest score too. GAWD it was funny and tragic times.

OOH, not that I'm advocating it @CheerBear, in one of those rages I actually chopped my backyard lemon tree into almost oblivion! It had not been bearing well for 2 years and I decided to 'fix it by pruning' which was the advice given. OOOPs, a bit more than 'pruining' happened! Once it recovered, the lemons never stopped coming though. I scared the poor thing into becoming a permanent producer!

Wishing rainbows and happiness for all in the nest ....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

When it’s raining look for the rainbow 🌈
When it’s dark look for the stars ⭐️ ✨

💜🌷 @CheerBear 💪🐻

☕️🍰

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Take care @Former-Member
🌸🌿❤️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I stepped out of bed this morning and it was instant tears. This rollercoaster sucks. For a good chunk of the last week (since my c-link hit) I felt like a volcano, full of explosive, volatile, racing, energy. It scared me and took a lot to control it which then felt like a battle to stop explosion and a battle to stop implosion. A couple of months ago my psych mentioned 'agitation' being one of their main concerns and until last week it didn't make much sense to me as I thought they meant something that was more like anxiety. This was very different to that and I get what they meant now. I did my plan thing and I messaged them and it was met with the sound of crickets. I lived the rest of the week in 'now what' land. My plan is very gappy sometimes. It always comes through when it really needs to, but I'd like it to work better before it gets to 'really needs to' and I can't figure that one out.

The volcano settled a little yesterday, but I don't think it's gone away. The week ahead has more c-link related stuff in it than I feel close to ok about. Why this process is not working well for me is, in part, because to get a chance at that security I will need to delve into the tangled web of how mental and physical health are related which opens the lid on things I can't go near. It's tied up in violence in lots of different ways and while people know, they don't know. I need a way around that because I don't have words to be able to let people know. I am also looking at the probability of being deemed noncompliant with some of it, which will jeopardise my application. I am noncompliant in the sense that I have years of experience with being compliant and it often not working out so well for me, so sometimes I call enough enough. I asked the c-link person about the words "fully treated" and at what point someone really gets to be the expert in their own life when it comes to making informed decisions about what's best for them in terms of treatment (of anything). The answer I recieved was along the lines of that point not really being there as far as c-link is concerned. My relief at having that enough is enough operation a couple of weeks ago, after years of being compliant, was incredibly short lived.

And then there are the littles. My GP met them recently and had a great chat with them. She wants me to look at scholarships for a big as they deserve better than what is here (everyone deserves better than what is here) for their next school. I get it and I see it and I desperately tried to get us out of here because here is not ok but it didn't happen and I feel so bad about that. I know I have to fight for this one too, I have to do everything I can to give them a proper chance, but it's another big thing and if it actually happened I have no idea how we'll go (how I will go) with managing the logistics of that. And I don't know how I could justify giving one opportunities that the others may not get. And if it didn't happen, what then? How can I be ok with that? They all deserve better than what they have in so many ways, and it eats me on the inside.

Sometimes I feel trapped, inside and out. I can't seem to unstick myself and I am not sure I will be able to unstick them either, and it can feel really bad.

Early morning teary, venty spill. Today we are going through some garage stuff so we can go away on the weekend. It's one of those ones that will hopefully be good once we're there, but getting there feels like I need to climb a mountain right now. Maybe by tonight after having sorted some of it out, that mountain will feel less mountain-ish.

Thanks to anyone who might have sat through another CB feels stuck and sinky novel. I know there's nothing that anyone but me can do to get me out of stuckness and sometimes I worry that other people might feel stuck with my stuckness (like my team seem to do sometimes). It does help to have a safe, lift the lid carefully to release some of it, place.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just happened to be up and read your post, @CheerBear. Sending lots of love and hugs. May these woes be lightened for you and the fish very soon. oxox

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Mazarita. Lots and lots x

Hope you're going ok with, from memory (which could be wrong), the last stretch of your trip 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ..... I hear you .....

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. Being heard is very helpful. That mum guilt pain 🙁

Hearing you, in bits and pieces, also and sending you these ❤ You are fab Faith-and-Hope.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Well done on lifting the lid @CheerBear,
Some of those dilemmas sound familiar to me, many parents have that feeling of wanting better for their children but I hear you when you say how challenging it is for you to achieve a change.
I’m glad you have good people in your team,
Weekends away can be worth the effort and I hope the packing fairies help you out a bit.
Sending a bucket of strength for. You 💪🌿🌸
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